pour me slowly over ice
hot hands and tender thighs
understanding and rebranding
time is taxing for your love i’m famished
refresh me as you undress me
it is only right
caress me as you undress me
take your time
undress me, slip into my mind

do you hear that?
no
do you fear that ?
no
understand its near when the heat bubbles my brain
understand the tears when they flood more than rain
i can’t taste anything but raging waves
washing my face, washing our pain
cleanse, repent, until i second guess
all the compression of my fate
depression in my rays
internal divide, leave the strain in the drain
self sacrifice, smoke the demons away

There’s always been a hairline fracture in my heart
The beats odd and off
There’s always been a strange attraction to the dark
Can’t decide if it’s evil or not
I hear the seductive whispers of something from the far
I clutch my fist and pretend I’m in my home
With my eyes closed, my mind roams
From the place I’ve known, to the place I can go
The white light creeping in like a cat
The blue hues painting my toes like the waves of the shore
The bliss I feel cannot be counterfeit
But that was just another of your many lies
To make it want it so bad that you could come inside
But I cannot go with you and you cannot go with me
I’m learning the lesson of filling my own cup
I’ve grown tired of my tired father drinking my cup
I’ve grown tired of the lack of fatherly love
I’ve grown tired of being the one always left out
I’ve created walls that rival China
I’ve created walls that dynamite can hardly dent
I’ve created a lush jungle that exists in between the bricks
My happiness rolled in once I realized there was nothing I needed to fix
That love was a birth right and not a prize for doing something right
My lack of love taught me the power of love, that I can make inside

cityscapes and heartbreaks
808s and carrot cakes
my life took a turn, a left
you tried to make me burn but I left
you at the alter, my destiny I cannot falter
I let me get softer, left the slaughter
watercolour paints and growing pains
deep introspection and soaking rains
get to the root of the issue, the root of the pain
elevate, activate
popping off like champagne

the smell of smoke stings
memories of what could’ve been
catching fire but the spark lost in the wind
in my journal i wrote many things
Not much spoken
But we watch the water from the bridge
Not to address or dispute
we are too avoidant to provide proof
Far too broken

4am tears, undergrad took 5 years
you left in exam season, the feast of my fears
i graduate in 2 weeks, crazy timing
you were mine once upon a winters timing
the blue flowers bloomed like Novalis
i am troubled and dramatic
where art thou romeo
where art thou pair
where art thou romeo
where art thou chèr

Oddly enough, it's no longer tough for me to let everything fall apart
Diamond in the rough, I shine no matter what
heartstrings sing through my eccentric art
every piece of me in motion like a river
need that constant change like I need my liver
but still, I drink until it goes black, the abyss always has my back
my dreams don't seem so distant when I do not have any vision
I am so anxious lately, understanding I never had any control innately
debating on what to do, what to say, how to live, what game to play
I am a student of logic, my days as metaphysical as the forms
in which I seem to aspire to, tired of number two
will I be number 1 for someone or always an afterthought
I have too many thoughts for my own good
The only one that has time for me is the moon
feel so claustrophobic in these 4 white-walled rooms.

streams of speech rolling out of me
filling up my room with feeling
swimming in our own dealings
was it equal?
was it real?
storms of chaos were brewing
filling up all my perception
neglected my honed senses
was it fair?
was it canon?
stranded in my shame
swimming to a shallow grave
why must i hide?
why must i hide?

why why why
i cannot get into your mind
too distracted, too kludgy
humbled me three times
too busy running
why why why
i cannot seem to ever find
the solace in solo expeditions
deficit without you by my side
too busy running
from my pretty eyes

earthquakes, heart breaks, slow like a turtle
trying to birth my new era but i am not fertile
all in divine timing i guess
what is holding me back, my stress, my ex, is my best not good enough
what is holding back my blessings, my lessons, is it that my heart is scuffed
what do i even want, been way too long
since i asked myself to be honest, everything has been a performance
who would i be if i was fearless
what would i be like if i was endearing
wonder what the core essence of me is, my scent riding the breezes
people are recognizing me, my anxiety recognizes me
a recipe for brain-fog, get up for a morning jog
to sweat out all of my venom, to restart my system
cultivate and reinstate my Wisdom

underneath the covers, no worries of lovers
too busy focused on the uncovering of all my budding flowers
of all my seeds sproutings, if spirit is allowing
springtime is my favourite, it's a fresh start
to be better and bigger than before
to pick yourself up and wish for more
so I will wish for more, more than men who are decor
so I wish to explore, a man not plagued with internal wars
one that is not afraid to see what lies behind the door
one that is not afraid to let their heart pour

my biggest fear is to forget
forget how my lips stretched into a smile
forget how my comments made you giggle when you were raining tears
my biggest fear is to be forgotten
like the shoes that carried you 100km or the eldest daughter
my biggest fear is too common
just like me, riding the waves of insecurity
peace is a breath away but so is shame
the only thing unforgotten in my brain
the way it stitches my situation
the way it feeds the roaring flame
my footprints in the sand are destined to wash away
my biggest fear is to exist without a trace

You understand the cycle of generational trauma, birthed from hurt to cause drama
You understand communication styles that dip their pedicured toes into ***** waters
You understand the impact of microaggression and discontentment

But you don't know what love is
The examples you had only you taught you how to be toxic
Birthed patterns within me that restrict me
Anxiety reaching new heights as we reach the peak

Sleeping with you closer to me in cause a sudden dream prompts you to leave
If you love something set it free but what if you don't return to me
Emptiness I would feel because I never knew what love was
Until it was too real and I let my fears dismantle what would've been soulmate love.