My heaven
is knowing you exist,
And that you once loved me.
My hell
is all that followed.

I remember a time when
I mattered.
So far away now,
Forgotten
Under scars of time.
Indifferent from
the heartache,
It's perspective dulling
Memory.
A rot
Uncertainty
Inhumanity.
I was born
Unnoticed,
To be forgotten.

Upon opening my eyes
I saw that there was nothing left.
No tenuous threads of plans
Nothing familiar
Just a distance
Leaving me wholly untouched,
As the world writhes
United with love and expectation.
My only possession
A counterfeit
Joy.
Absent participation.
Loveless but loving.
Burning underground
Bound by sleep.
An existence
exchanged for hours.
This day,
Like every other
Ending without
consequence
Every breath, a defeat
With nothing to show.
Your embrace —
My fondest memory.
I died a thousand deaths
To let you go.

I couldn't find
a mark that's true
falling       so far away from you.
words are
ashes in my mouth
though will not let me choke
each glassy eye
that roves on me
Can only see a joke.
I'm gone, so gone
yet permanent. A creature
in a snare.
Engage my tongue, my heart, my skin
Yet you won't find me there.
Give up these earthly
monuments
give up the love that
waned.
each trace of me
A poison.
A human,
Tho abstained.

**** every minute
**** every day
**** the exits
**** finding a way
**** your agenda
**** all your lies
**** your true face
**** your disguise
**** the liberals
**** Donald Trump
**** building your wall
you ignorant chump
**** the hate you inspired
**** the love that fell flat
**** taking our heroes
We're all tired of that
**** the hope that expired
**** the future unseen
But most of all —
**** 2016

My darling —
You helped me to understand,
You helped me to breathe.
In you I knew love.
You were the sun!
Now I lie here
Dismantling the certain future,
Counting words.
Now I'm a ghost ship
No sextant, compass or map.
My darling —
Will you forgive me?
Will you weep for me?
"I'll always care for you."
An empty platitude,
A parting shot.
Always and forever.
In the arms of your new lover.
Silent.
Silent.
And you don't think of me.

ain't the pain
ain't the cost
ain't the love
though love is lost
you were right —
It wasn't real
without you here
Joy feels surreal.
ain't the words
that tore my skin
ain't the void
I feel within
ain't the yawning chasm nights
ain't the dying of the light
ain't the urge to conjure blood
Or things I haven't said but should
The future isn't even kind
I beg you
Leave my world behind.

Darling,
This pain will last forever.
I'm bleeding out,
Lovingly dismembered,
Hung on hooks.
Cherished.
A spectral heart
Pumping dust
throughout my veins.
This holy temple,
Now in ruins.
Now a tomb.
Burning, desecrated.
Love laid gently to rest...
Godless, evermore.

There is another world
Found in sleep
Buried
A godless avenue
Beyond temptation.
Conjured past,
A loveless future
Stalking dread.
It's logic undefined
Your soft chaos sings to me.
Every hereafter
A new world.
Take refuge in the nightmares
Don't let me wake up.

I used to think
It was cruel
I was left like this,
That a lover should hear my plea.
But
I've changed my mind
Over some time.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
I was a vital young man,
A wild stag
Unbound.
time changes everybody.
Now I'm bitter. I'm weak.
A heartless freak,
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Think of your Beauty,
Think of your worth
"True Love" shouldn't be charity.
All I'd show you is woe
It's best that you know —
No woman should ever
Settle for me.
Save your kisses,
Your words.
All the effort you spend
I mean that
Affectionately.
Go chase your dreams!
As I fall apart at the seams.
No woman should ever
Settle for me.

Can't sleep tonight.
I feel her touch,
Her heated whisper in my ear.
A memory half real
upon those brief waking seconds.
An ancient forgotten myth —
Alive and panting,
Graciously demanding attention.
"I am still here.
   Forget me again,
When the night is kinder.
Tonight my horror
          Is yours to keep."

My idiot words cannot express
The dying that I feel inside
Instead they
Idly show distress
So foolishly, I hide.
Each day sadly lingers on
Repeating endless
Misery.
Another timeless
Wave of dread,
Upon this blackened sea.
Unlike the rest
Who pray and toil
To forever leave their mark,
I want to vanish
Without trace
Buried in the dark.

My heart,
This colossal piston
Is slowly halting.
Sickly,
In its cavity.
Poisoned.
Bleating,
Its final rhythmic chorus.
No more.
No more.
No more.

This pain, so absolute,
These moments Slowl
y dulled. Losing you h
urt so entirely, I could
n't find my way back.
Each day is final, Cho
king away this failing
strength. It was never
your fault.

Dreadful Monday
Sitting here
Among the idiot
Chatter severe
Blank expressions
Garbled words
Under the radar
Unseen, unheard
Counting seconds
Losing my head
Anxiety stricken
Better off dead
Another appointment
Facing the spotlight
"How have you been?"
Everything's alright
Exit in haste
Sickening refrain
Back to uncertainty
Into the rain.

I learned the truth,
Today.
I heard the anger and pain
In your voice.
We're strangers again,
somehow.
No affection.
No trust.
We bark and bite.
Trying to wound.
Trembling.
The strength I had  —
Forgotten,
Like those sweet
whispered moments.
I long to leave it far behind.
To sleep in peaceful arms
and forget...
The sun is ******.
The birds don't fly.
All that once knew love
has died.

The screws dug deeper
        into my skin Burrowing
like tiny invasive flames
Pain tripping sickly
into my veins Finding its home
  under
       muscle
and sinew As
tendrils probed my serpent
guts
Shock.Subdued.Sensation
Gently arresting functionality
Instead of Epinephrine resistance
I found myself drifting
further Into Sleep.

Sometimes I think about you
And I can't stop crying.

This inhuman mask of stability
Is all for ******* show.
The tears
The pain
The anger,
Stored quietly below.
I wonder if you even think of me
If my name's a thorn.
Tho contemplation is a waste
When all the love is gone.
It broke me when I lost you
There's nothing left but doubt.
My heart burned bright with passion
Until you put it out.

This death I wish
upon myself
Will wait another
Day
Unless the world
has other
plans
To take my soul
Away.

Through strange
misfortune
Astral coincide,
Our paths crossed.
Signals passed
Tangential sorrow
Connected
Unlikely fellows.
abstract
code
Pointed, slyly
To your door.
You helped me see
The world anew.

Everything you ever saw
Everything you worked for
Everything you ever knew
Every love you found
Every friend you made
Everything that you hold dear
Everything you needed
Will one day
All be gone.

My heart ran cold
When you talked about visiting.
Happiness, reality.
I choked
Realising that I couldn't
Give you a thing.
To act human,
To show warmth. To be natural.
To smile, act confident —
I have forgotten how.
Upon loving you,
I could only disappoint.

My actions have a name —
Social Suicide
A cannibalistic act.
Burrowing deep
into the earth
Where the dead lay twitching.
Unhook myself from the past,
The people I knew,
Counted as friends.
They never grieved my loss,
Superficial love kills quickly.
Ain't it funny?
Can't sleep anymore,
I just wander in the dark
Till morn.
The moon and stars
Looking down,
they won't miss me either.

I'm sorry if the heart
beating
beating
just for you
Is now something
You wish
Would stop.
This frantic call
Keeps me
awake,
Cursing its
cardiac
Confession.
If only it knew
you don't love me anymore.

Cold. Hearted.
Fiend.*
You were not
mistaken.
I took
crooked vows
men you knew before
with candy hearts
Sweet as the lies
they call home.
This callous spirit — a
****** talisman,
My only protection
My violent core
Will shake
Your grey foundations.

Those promises became dead ends,
While we slept.
Familiarity turned slyly
On its head —
As warmth became hostility.
Love usurped by self.
Blighted.
Faded as the stars.
Am I disassembled?
Am I ruinous?
This perfect agony.

In the weakness
Of desire,
I became nothing.

It's just another year
Nothing more of consequence
A little older, none the wiser
Endlessly repeating; attack/defence
Always losing fated falling
Is it will that I lack?
Faking faith and joy and reason
While serious as a heart attack
So let's pretend it didn't happen
No words of love on printed card
Just leave me with the bottle
Celebration shouldn't be this hard
**** this life and all I ever lost
Put to end this sorry day
All I ever learned in total —
The way to win is not to play

I can't help myself.
Without effort
I will take it all to pieces.       I'll show
you
Black ruin.  The misery that picks
clean my.   bones.
Self—destruction,
My whispered mantra
I will not be happy.
I will not be happy.
It's a divine sickness
Undenied. My ugliness
Is my shame.
Let me show you
The nothing I'm capable of.
Crawl towards the edge.
Step. Off.
Smile.

Friday night.
I feel my bones forgotten
Disassembling character.
Ghostly lungs still breathing,
Shallow.
Heartstring,
Hanging from the gallow.
Gone
Before the morning sun.

SPEAK or you'll be forgotten.
Creation without thought
without merit.
express without care
kisses void on
yesterday's love
(without question).
your ugly youth,
Clutching at straws
Stained by inexperience
desperate to be
misunderstood
there's nothing raw
within you.
Just play the game
Mouthing words
you couldn't understand.

It doesn't matter,
Another year passing —
You're all talking
Sweet light
Huddled in the corridor
Chatter like a dripping tap.
its dull crescendo
flowing through me.
Blood pulsing in my skull.
My internal dissection.
I'm less than before,
always
stalling.
I won't be here much longer
I won't miss a thing,
Just the words that left me out.
Yuletide misery,
God rest my ******* soul.

I am not afraid
To live,
To die.
But to stagnate
Is
To pull my heartstrings
From
Its hard casing.
Abandoned,
In a world that
No longer understands.
There is nothing
Left,
Only a love that doesn't
Touch us.

I long to leave
this world behind.
I am a stranger here
without your hand.
A shade now walks —
Where once
there was a man.
This roar has been stifled.
Now mute,
Heartless and frail.
There is no pity for the loveless.
There is no time.
There is no rest.
There is no hope.
I see the indifference
in their eyes.
The distance between us.
It is unbearable.

Loving her
Was like finding an ocean
After a lifetime
Treading
in muddy puddles.

The pressure of
this life
The woe
The loss
It made a ruined
Diamond
Out of me.

I'm afraid that there's
nothing left.
I'm afraid that meaning
is surely fading —
Dulled by absence.
A slow burning ember,
That was once an inferno.
This stage —
Once brimming with joy,
Holds now only silhouettes,
Ghosts.
Tender echoes.
Love letters returned,
Unread.
Counterfeit,
Plagiarised —
Empty.
This is how the world ends.
Without you.

Those foolish words
you..                            hesitate
To say,
Just might make
someone's day.

I lost it all with each
second from wake
to sleep there are no
colours desire expired
motivation lost in
silent minutes carved
upon my wrists here
under heavy covers
subdued as the dog
next door endlessly
barks I am nothing.

On the surface
In plain sight
Our imperfections
show.
In reality
Our true defects
Are buried
deep below.

I'm so tired
Of chasing you
All the empty people
Can go to hell.

Forget the love
I poured into your wounds.
It won't heal you
Anymore.
Forget the times
I consoled you,
The care that languished
In my words,
Gently lingering.

I'm so tired
Of chasing you
All the empty people
Can go to hell.

I miss the touch
of lust The intimacy
of lips on skin
Desperate ecstatic
fumblings Giving way
to honest
desperation
Hotly whispered
requests
Secret yearnings
No need for shame
No need for love
Just tell me what
you like.

I saw you go  It didn't hurt.
I know the truth —
You lie in dirt.
So happily I live alone,
Without remorse
I've stumbled on.
Your simple words  Shed simple skin
While I fought wars
I couldn't win.
So rage. So howl.
Gnash your teeth.
It was never worth the grief.
Continue walking empty halls,
One day I'll forgive you all.

Your words
that hold
No meaning
Will
Choke you
In the end.

There is no secret —
No savage lesson in this pain.
This day brings no joy,
The sun — no warmth.
I can't see your face.
Your voice, faint.
There is no comfort in memory,
Only loss.
Each colour fades.
Each night restless.
Each hope vanquished.
Your love has taken
part of me.
Erased.
Organs
neatly stacked.
Soul perforated.
Spirit sullied.
Heart frantic/
Bruised.
Your lips —
My Sweet Armageddon.

Is there love left?
After that emotional
car wreck.
Jaws of life
taking my heart.
Now
I feel slight affection
A lust. Primal,
disconnected.
More like a hunger,
Vampiric.
Feed me.
**** me.
But the gentle thunder
of love
Majestic.
You took that
from me.

I'm not grateful
For all these days
(of pain).
I'm not grateful
For this life.
I don't want to see
A miracle.
I want to burn it
To the ground.
The love you gave,
I didn't ever want.
The love you gave,
I didn't need.
I just want
to give it all away.
Say goodbye.
Watch me bleed.

Divine beastie —
There is wonder in your fine eye.
A wild nature,
Ancient and unfurled.
Chaos and smoke,
Night and dagger.
You! Sweet familiar,
Cruel wanderer.
I have known
your heart
A thousand lives.
Never stray too far.

Because I miss you every day
Because the sky is falling
Because sirens call my name
Though the flesh
will melt
And silence wept
Because I'm lost and ragged
Because my words
are
slowly shedding
I misplaced love that
found me
Because,
My only reason.

Unshaken
Beyond this simple world
I have become unlike
Them all.
Wandering
Behind realms
Lost.
Unknown and
Rejected.
Not looking for
A way back,
Just a way out.

My world is smaller.
I no longer know your love.
All beauty broken into pieces,
Scattered.
Each morning —
Grey and pitiless without
your radiance.
I am a shell,
Once breathing.
Cut,
Heartless and sore.
A soul,
Without essence.
Ugly.
Spent.
An empty memory —
Looking for its end.
Walking with shadows,
Doomed by a love that died
without warning.
You — were my heaven.
You — are my purgatory.