I
   Never
               Stopped
                               Loving
                                             You ,

                                                    I
        ­                                    Just
                        ­    Stopped
           Showing
      It

i
break

i am the ash of a holiday fire
in a house
not a home

the wind whisks me away and
the remnants of my essence
sit crying
by the void

sobbing to black mirrors and shadows
in plain daylight

my eyes no longer see clearly
the emptiness is all i hear

the sound of a door closing
leaving a life i
never wanted anyway

"He always closes the door whenever he leaves the room."

That was one habit of his which I appreciated, knowing he was considerate enough. But I never knew I would come to detest it, or even regret loving it.

Until this morning.
He never returned.

"Keep your friends close,
and your enemies closer,"
Is what they say.

But nothing hurts more than
Keeping the ones you love close,
But the one you couldn't love, closer.

[2:05a.m.]

reality hits you. no, it kisses you a good night. but you can not forget it.

it can not leave your head-- the way he held your hand, or rather the way you grasped onto his;

the way you tried to speak but panicked, or rather the way your mind figured out a thousand ways to freeze that moment in time;

the way he looked at you, or rather, the way his look was just like any other look he gave to the previous and to the next.

it was inevitable. you knew this day would come. you would thank him with no words but just that grasp on his hand, that he made you realize that you have learned to love and can love a person this much. you know you will continue to love him, but not in the same way, and he definitely won't be the person you will love as much as right now.

and the time has finally concluded: he isn't the one for you.

Everything will be color and
Crystals sound off, as you remove
the drop cloth

revealing
paintings from yesterday
and weep to fill the oceans
found in a picturesque seascapes

Seashells mark the paths where
to drown the hearts of peace loving
beings
We'll swim for daylight in this
tranquil twilight scene
Find the definition of love
within the sea

The shadows seek walls
to gain your attention during the
burning light of day
And everything spins
around to
push the shadows back into
the ground

Her heart is a bright lighthouse beam
guiding me past
sharp rocks and dangerous reefs
And gives me purpose
to see
That this is the life
I wish to be

I woke up at 8:47 this morning,
With my dog whimpering beside me.
My own scream woke me up,
And my mom stood in the door way of the room,
Staring at me concerned,
Informing me that I had a rough night.

I stumbled out of bed, folding my blanket and throwing it behind the arm chair.

My hand fumbles on the windowsill
And I grab my phone, pulling it from the charger.

I open up my messages, eyes bleary with sleep.
A good morning message from you.
Reminding me that I'm your Hummingbird,
That you love me,
And hoping that I slept well.

I hate to disappoint you,
But apparently I did not.

But as the fear subsides,
A warmth resonates underneath my skin,
And a giddy feeling bubbles up and around me,
Because conversation with you,
Any type of contact with you,
I just can't get enough of it.

Maybe this is part of loving you,
It's somewhat selfish
But spending time with you
Fills my heart in a way it's never been filled before.

And despite the fear I have,
I will gladly ignore it
To fly by your side,
Because you fill my heart with a type of warmth.
I will gladly accept all the time and conversation
You're willing to spend with me.

Bluebird
By
Charles Buckowski

Bluebird

- Poem by

Charles Bukowski


there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say, stay in there, I'm not going
to let anybody see
you.
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I pour whiskey on him and inhale
cigarette smoke
and the ****** and the bartenders
and the grocery clerks
never know that
he's
in there.

there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too tough for him,
I say,
stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to ***** up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but I'm too clever, I only let him out
at night sometimes
when everybody's asleep.
I say, I know that you're there,
so don't be
sad.
then I put him back,
but he's singing a little
in there, I haven't quite let him
die
and we sleep together like
that
with our
secret pact
and it's nice enough to
make a man
weep, but I don't
weep, do
you?

Charles Bukowski

So I shouldn't be angry,
Yet here I am.
And I shouldn't feel hurt,
Yet there goes a tear.

It's just nothing,
It's not important.
Just my insanity,
Nothing really valid.

But my chest feels heavy,
And there's a lump in my throat,
And I'm irritated and a little hurt,
But it's not like it matters
Because it honestly doesn't in the long run.

And I could say all these things,
And trust me, I will.
But I need to calm down,
And you need to sleep.

I'd rather hash this out now,
I'd rather tell you I'm a little irate,
A little *******,
And that a whole lot of me is hurting.

I'm trying to rationalize it,
I'm just clingy.
I'm asking too much.
This has been bothering me,
But it's not really that big of an issue.

It's just my low self esteem.
It's just my being blinded by those before you.
It's nothing it's nothing it's nothing it's nothing,
But I'm crying and I'm angry
And it sure does feel like something.

If I breathe I'll start sobbing,
And the tears will come faster.

Control.
This is the control I have now.

If I don't breathe,
I won't cry,
I won't move,
Besides my fingers on the keyboard.
If I don't breathe,
I won't cry.
But my head will hurt,
And I might get dizzy.

Control it.
Ignore it.
Shove it back down into the inky black mason jar
Where everything else bad about me lives.

I can't let it fester,
It's like an infection,
It will only get worse.
But I don't need to handle it right now.
I'll let you sleep,
And deal with it later,
When you're awake.

I know I should breathe,
But for now I will not.
This is my issue,
My problem.
If I ignore it,
The monsters can get to me and me alone
Later.