i will never be able to find solace in substance the way you helped yourself cope with the loss of us long before you had your feet out the door
there is no possible articulation that i can find myself capable of that would make you understand what it is like to lose you
i was stuck in an infinite loop of the same words over and over again telling me that i could have done something, that it was all my fault, and that my love was not enough
my love was more than enough!!

i'm in a long-term relationship with my depression
and she's a ******* jealous *****
i'm sorry that sometimes three's a crowd but she is the one constant in my life and i'm terrified of the sadness ending because then who am i?

i am the 1 am drunk text
i am the family pictures popping up on  your newsfeed
i am the polaroid at the bottom of your desk drawer
i am the modern baseball song that you can't seem to skip
i am the candy wrappers in your car door
i am the cd stuck in your car radio that is just me singing a song i never should have written for you
i am the way a dorm room bed is always just big enough
i am the draft of a poem that was never just right

and

you are the space between the lines of the poems that aren't fixing anything
you are the dried up corsage in the back of my closet
you are the third step on the stairs into the basement where i swear i can still see stains of mascara on the carpet from november 8, 2015
you are the post card i never sent
you are the post card i sent but never should have
you are the phone calls i can't make
you are the nightmares i have where we are both running from something not clear to us


now that i've set the scene are you sure you want to delete your audition tape?
are you sure that your first try was good enough?

a tropical soul
in winter for the first time—
happy with a heart so warm

I wish you wouldn't look for me in my poems
Contrary to popular belief,
I wish you would look for yourself in them

When I look back at the things I had
The things that now are gone
I was planting seeds of division
But the trees grew tall and strong

I used to see for miles around
But now the forest grows
Beneath the shade of branches
Are secrets no one knows

At first it was a place to hide
An oasis on barren lands
But holding on to a past that's gone
Was just leaving time on my hands

For years I must have wandered
Abandoning all that was good
I thought I knew my way out
But now I'm lost in the woods