i've written some great things
about feelings i don't remember
and people i no longer talk to or think about
and i am afraid
one day
all i'll have of you
are the poems i wrote
(but don't remember writing)

i can't stop thinking about
how lucky i am
to get to hold your hand
for now

Stuck in a state of sighing,
but ironically stuck in the same state as always
I hope to see the trees change color outside my room
and I'm not afraid of being away like I'm supposed to.
I don't know where to go here,
I don't know of any trails
But I'll find them

sometimes things flip,
like my stomach
or my nerves
or the tone of your voice

why am i here
why are any of us here
why do we assume there's a reason at all
to ponder and tear our hair out over?

why do i feel like the world closes in sometimes and whispers in my ear,
"you're making the wrong choices
you're doing all the wrong things
you're heading the wrong way"

oh my god
my time is running out and I don't know which turn to make
THE LIGHT IS GREEN
THE LIGHT IS GREEN
BUT I WON'T STEP OFF THE BRAKES
BECAUSE WHERE THE HELL DO I GO

i think i am afraid of missing someone forever.
i seem to think that once i say goodbye, even on good terms,
i will never see any of them again
and that terrifies me
because i don't want to make new friends
if that means i have to lose my old ones.
(i'm afraid to say goodbye to you, ever
because i am ******* terrified i'll always miss you)

I SHOULD HAVE INVITED YOU IN

been thinking more about cigarettes
cigars, really (false sense of health)
gotta have something to do with my hands
but its an interesting thought, pointless.
sticky-scented, rearranged, row of wicks
bags pulling my top lids
reaching out my hands to the chipped paint on the ceiling
fingers ache
bellies too
5am ready for bed but aching aching aching

don't look at anything i write
wait until it comes out of my mouth
because everything you've ever whispered in my ear
has been ringing and ringing
and i've never heard such a nice sound

i wish i could give that to you in return
i wish i would say things first
because god, i mean these words

don't worry about me, it's not your job to
don't worry about the way I sleep
or the way I keep
my sanity.
I know a few people who care more about me than I care about myself

i am in a mood where i want to feel alive
because it's hard to feel a point
when i am staring at the bottom of a top bunk by myself in a basement
(i know nothing about me anymore)
(this boy i can't stop thinking about is trying to figure me out
and i'm afraid it's too easy
because i am nothing)

everyone gets sad
is sad
will be sad
(I wish you never felt sad)
(I wish you could hand me your sadness and I would walk beside you carrying it on my shoulders and all you'd have to do is smile and hold my hand)

i gave away my last pack of cigarettes but i should have saved them for emergency nights when the vape just isn't cutting it and feeling 23 sinks in with baggy eyes.
my stomach is so full, i have a headache and this incessant whining makes me want to scratch at my skin until it peels off.
earlier this evening (back when it was evening and not 4am) there was a spider crawling in my bed
and i yelled for my brother, who luckily liked me enough in the moment to come in and pick up the daddy long leg and take it outside.
I wonder, at 23, how i would live by myself.
i wonder if i'll feel closer to my parents once i move out
i wonder if i'll ever feel satisfied with my existence - but isn't that a bad thing? doesn't that mean giving up? is success a failure in this way..
when does the achievement of a dream leave you dreamless

You know you're the greatest, though
Every day is a pleasure

staying up late to feel my teeth crumble under the sugar in this wine
watching scary things on the television wondering why in the dark, I think the shadows might be out to get me.
I dont know what I think they are or why they scare me. Do they even scare me?
Left unfinished, playing in the background, the scary tv shows become my night light so i dont have to think about the shadows in the dark

I'm 24 but haven't thought much about it yet.
Still poor and unsure.
Sometimes bored and unmotivated.
Sometimes inspired, consuming media and art and thinking, wow, how do humans really create this? I feel like I could create something good someday...but will I ever have the money, will I ever dedicate the time needed to fulfill the potential that I feel I have?
If not, hopefully i have fun regardless...is that more important? Is that more successful?
Anyway.
I'm 24 and disconnected.

usually unsure how you feel about me
that's okay

an apple a day
maybe one, here or there
an apple a week
a cigarette a day
(well, that's what the movies say)

is there something to be said about this?
letting it out, but only quietly
only in secret
speaking into the void so no one hears me thinking
i think it'd be embarrassing, having everyone see you mutter words, you chose those words, you structured them that way, and you want the world to listen to them, lacking composure?
i think it'd be embarrassing.
But instead i prefer vague public interpretation, you tell me what you think i'm thinking, does this arm movement tell you what i am craving, does this ****** shaking show you that i am not content, does me on stage twirling around for a paying audience make this crystal clear?
I'd never tell you what i was thinking, but here's a little summary, take it how you want and judge me for it.

pinching vertebrae,
trying to climb my spine
pick through the back of my neck and reach into my brain
fix something in there

man, i can spend my entire day
hoping to see you

and i know you were drunk
but the tragedy of last night is that i believed every sweet word you said

Red tinted teeth
Stained nicotine
I am so comfortable alone, but only after I've checked each closet for monsters

we feed off each other
don't pretend you're original,
everyone is a part of the people of their past
(i can see it, it's easy)

not sure about much
not sure about anything, really
not sure of the last time you weren't floating around my head
wish I thought of myself as much as I think of you

****

remember to occasionally remember me