he does not know
how soft his lips are
how tender pressed against mine
how the corners of his eyes crinkle
when he shuts them to put his face onto mine
how my lipgloss leaves sparkles on his nose
how his eyelashes tickle my cheekbones
all these little things he does not know

I wish my tongue was not a dagger
I wish my brain was not a sword
If only I could keep my tongue and mind from clashing
If only they would say the same words

What is happiness?
Oh,
It is merely the name of an old friend...

But,

What is sadness?
Sadness is more than a friend;
It is tangled with me like a lover in sheets.
It drowns out all laughter.
It drains all energy.
It shatters hope.
It devours joy.
It is not a what,
But a who.

Emotions are so overwhelming
Even in their simplest essence
They build and break and destroy
They shape and form and create
The hardest thing about emotions
Is having no control over what to break
And no control over what to create
Because sometimes
A heart can break
And the only thing created is a tragedy

The sun shines on everything
It doesn't choose where not too
The rain pours on everything
It doesn't choose where not too
Our words affect everyone
We don't have a choice of who

I miss the long nights
And the many friends
I miss the loud laughs
And the many regrets
I miss the chances I had
To be a part of something

I miss the way everyone was
So effortlessly friendly
I miss the noises and messes
That we all created
I miss being someone
And having others around me

I miss having friends.
And being with people
I miss thriving
And feeling alive
I miss having fun
Because now it's all gone

why do I
feel like there is nothing for me
never any happy days
or acceptance or praise
just the heavy burden of feeling imperfect
and failing to please a stranger
the stranger being society
and its impossible to reach standards

the touch of someone's skin on another's
has been written about plenty already
but I swear to you
his touch is like no other
so innocent and fragile
but commanding and strong
yet gentle and caring
while he bites me all along
the sting and the numbness
the tickle of his tongue
his touch is like no other
so right though so wrong
all my softness in his clutch
his being needs no guide
he knows where and how to touch
as his eager mouth finds mine
his tracing fingertips bring chills
up my chilly and bare spine
his touch is one that nearly kills
but I am on cloud nine

I feel like I am never good enough.
or is it that everyone else expects too much?
I am not perfect.
I am flawed like they are,
and I accept that they are ignorant
of their rude and judgemental ways,
because I am assuming that deep down,
they might feel the same.

What can I say besides
I'm sorry
I don't look like the other girls
The ones you assure me
Don't compare at all
To my own beauty
The beauty I fail to see
What can I say besides
I'm sorry
My self esteem won't let me believe
I know it's unattractive
My never ending negativity
You say you love me
But I don't see what you see
I wish I was more for you
More for me
And I could say I love you
Back to my own body

whenever I say it
your name feels
like what I imagine
the drop of water would taste like
to the rich man in hell asking Abraham
to just dip his tongue in
to ease the burning

my words fade
faster than  
footprints on sand
or snow on a hand

Dreams are draining
Thoughts venting out
Yesterday's memories are straining
in my clouded mind
to keep remaining
My opinions evaporating
tongue steaming
to catch the words slipping
out of my brain  
into oblivion

My most frequent lie
is my answer to the question
Are you alright?
I say,
I'm fine.
But I am thinking,
No!
I am losing my mind!
But you couldn't care less anyway.

I complain about your silence
but I do not know the truth,
at least the full essence.
You won't tell me why,
what secrets do you have?
What do they have to hide?
Even from your friend?
I feel like the world knows already.
You make me worry.

You are fading
People crowding over you
I refuse to let go of the memory
It's still there only vaguely
A wisp of your voice
your eyes
your hair
It's all barely there
I see a beautiful blonde and green mix
A voice hard to identify
But it's yours for sure
I need more
It is a desire
A mental wanting
It's all I can do
I need more of you

is what I have
What some people wish
They can or they may
They have or they want back
In their lives
They don't want to see it
From others eyes
They want it in their world
For love to be in their mind
The pure loneliness that they
Have in their hearts is hate over time
They try to force it into loving hearts
But not into mine