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  Dec 2017 mitus
Alexandra Meelan
I want to be left alone
                                                           ­     I don't want to feel alone
I want someone to hug me.
                                                             ­   I hate being touched.
I want to tell someone.
                                                        ­        People scare me.
I want to speak.
                                                          ­      I can't open up.
I want comfort.
                                                        ­        I push people away.
"I'll be fine."
                                                          ­      "No you won't."
"But I will."
                                                          ­      "What if something happens?"
"No, it'll be okay."
                                                          ­      "But now you're doubting yourself."
"NO."
                                                ­                "Oh come on. I'm a friend."
"You cause so many problems for us."
                                                            ­    "There's nothing you can do now."
"Don't do this."
                                                          ­      "It's too late, I've won."
  Dec 2017 mitus
bones
Am I really a poet,
If all I ever write about,
Is you?
Feeling insecure today.
  Dec 2017 mitus
PA Trees
It's the kind of relationship
where he says
I love you
and I say
thank you.
  Dec 2017 mitus
Gelz
Baby if you call me at 4 am,
Too sad to even say hello,
I will listen to your sadness,
Until you fall asleep.
mitus Dec 2017
I’m glad I met you
I’m glad we split
I gave you a nickname and I called you boo
It was cute until that very day that you hit
Me.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,”
I cried
To myself
“This is the way it’s supposed to be.”
It was hard to see the light that day

I’m glad I met you
I’m glad we split
I no longer pick up your phone calls at two am
You sob and plead and beg me back
I disagree and do not crack

Here we are, once again
You show up at my door
And swear in vain
I slam the door
And your heart breaks
I don’t mind
For you hurt me
I wish for you to no longer plea
As I will press charges against thee

You come back
I stand away
You hold a rusty pipe found by the corner coming up the staircase
You strike me right in the face
You continue to beat me
With no remorse
I force
My way elsewhere from you maniac
You flee
I curl up in the closet near the pile of your *****, old shirts
I should’ve burned a long time ago
My neighbors find me
Soaked in dried, scarlet red, blood
They know no English
And scream in Spanish
“¡Juan, llama a la policía! Tenemos que ayudar a Missy a salir del armario.”
I feel her large body swish around paper towels and wet them with tap water
She returns back with aspirin and everything she could to
Help me?
“No no no no no NO. Quédate quieto, no retrocedes. La ambulancia estará aqui pronto.”
Frustration occurs.

You return
Couple weeks later,
See me in pain
I call you insane
You are documented
Not only am I fermented
But my wish came true
For you are an official abuser and violator.

For when I see my last true light
I will always finish this fight.
So I’m glad I met you
I’m glad we split
Next time bud,
Stick to the script.
mitus Dec 2017
You said you were charging your phone
But I miss you because you are my own.

And I wonder what you were doing for those three hours
I was asleep.
I was sad when I saw you didn’t text me.
So to conclusions I leap.

And those three hours
You could’ve spammed me with “hey babe” or “babyyyy”
But you didn’t.
And I wish you did, maybe.

Those two hours
That I ignored you
You should’ve marveled why I did that, boo.

And next, the one hour
I texted my friend.
She said if I was angry at you, I should text you sour.
It was true.

For ten minutes,
You didn’t respond
Please know your limits.
It was sadness beyond.

For the time you replied,
I ignored you for two minutes.
I sighed because
You said you were charging your phone.
But I miss you because you are my own.
mitus Nov 2017
When the quiet girl stands up
She warbles the constant messages her mind signals
Her head is filled with demons, darkness, and sudden shivers
Built with waking up even though she feels much more significant when she lays asleep
Grilled with details about not killing herself because that is selfish
Not killing herself because it is simply but a mere problem and she should build a bridge and get over it
Not killing herself because there are so many wonderful, new opportunities that awaits her.
But when the quiet girl stands up
She is unfulfilled
Unfulfilled and unsatisfied
No, those two words do not mean the same thing, they are synonyms to one another.
She says,
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to **** herself isn’t selfish.”
She says,
“When she’s  surrounded by all these people, it can be lonelier than when she’s by herself.”
“Do you know why?” She asks.
“Do you know anything about depression, about having the depths of depression, the epiphany of blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness grabbing her soul into a deep, dark pit of despair feels like?”
“Do you know why people feel this way?”
She says,
“Ask her. Ask her how it feels like and you won’t get an answer but a stare. You’ll get a stare because there is no direct solution as to why she has depression. She just does.”
She says,
“Every single time she raises her voice and bellow down to the faceless fiend feeding on her fallible mind, she cannot capture the moment or the focus or the fking reason why there is an anonymous ghoul resting upon her brain.”
She says,
“The brutal brute that lays a nest in her mind spreads his eggs and continues to make a mass production. ‘There cannot be room for any positivity!’ he recited. She waits and waits and waits until she wants to die, until she wants to be gone and get rid of herself and make the world a better place.”
She says,
“The brute does not care who she is or the extraordinary things she has done. The brute does what he wants and until he is done, she will be gone.”
She says,
“She will be gone because she cannot thrive within herself. She is losing sleep, not eating, and most importantly, not talking. That’s why she’s so f
king quiet. So the next time you ask her to talk, remind yourself that there are things that you do not understand and have to learn. Remind yourself that you cannot say ‘Just think positively’ or ‘It’s all in your head’ because that does not work. So the next time you speak to her, respect her.”
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