As long as your love
is absent from your heart,
nothing can save
nor help you.

The sun goes down
and I take comfort in the night.
I wait for the moon to return,
and with him, the shadows,
silence and solitude.
It is at night where
I can forget about reality and
the bustle of everyday life.
It is at night where I can breathe,
to take inspiration from the darkness
and let the mind run free.

A thousand laughs,
a million smiles,
countless memories that fill our lives.
Each one timeless and forever
stored in our hearts.

For as long as I have known you,
I have wondered how such a tiny girl
can hold so much love.
Indeed, you may be small but
you have the biggest heart
I have ever seen.
How can so much love and beauty
fit inside the small being
that is you?

One look to the stars
to find no name nor face in
the constellations

10:23 AM
16/7/23

I will wait for this to pass,
sometimes, that's all you can do.
I will pray it to go away,
this is what desperation does.
I will wish for it to never return,
I wish this every time.

I have lost so much
and one more thing won't make a
difference - I'm at peace

4:12 PM
29/6/23

It does not matter
anymore but that does not
mean it does not hurt

8:50 PM
23/6/23

Some pains can go unseen,
rather, they are carved into the soul,
an endless chasm that bleeds forever.
These pains are silent to the world,
but they tear us apart from within.
And only from deep within
are crying out so loud that
only our demons can hear.

Dear Diary;
for far too long
you made me believe that
if I was not good enough for you
than I must not be good enough
for anyone else in
this world.

Try ween yourself off
of the need for attention
and see what happens

6:01 PM
19/6/23

I am the last of
my kind and hopefully the
only one you'll meet

12:18 PM
17/6/23

I still think of you.
My heart still aches for you
as it waits to be with you again.
Until then, I must keep you in my thoughts
and in my heart with all my love.

Does my cat
still look over you
like I told him to all those years ago?
I made him promise to protect you,
as I wish I could from afar.
But time has a funny way
of changing our lives,
just look at how far we've come!
After all this time and he still follows you,
across the ocean, in winter and in darkness.
Every now and then he tells me of your flourishing
and I could not be any more proud.
One thing I know for certain that
has not changed is my promise to the cat.
To this day he still watches over you,
admires and adores you.
I think he always will.

There are some people
in my past who aren't welcome
in my present life

1:21 AM
27/5/23

There is no such thing
as a life without pain.  
Pain follows from the cradle to the grave.
From the moment our mothers suffered
to give birth to us,
to the moment it all ends,
life is one big, precious, painful process.
So embrace the pain,
let it shape you, liberate you, learn from it!
Pain is a part of life so you may as well
learn to embrace it.

It is time for you to let it go.
Only you can be the one to erase,
to rise above and to move on.
Fill your garden with new seeds
and learn to love
what will blossom.

Solitude is not
about where I am, it is
about who I am

6:05 PM
21/5/23

The sunflowers remind me of you.
Indeed, I crave the warmth of your body
and your vibrant soul that would
brighten each and every day.
Your light lifts shadows
from this bleak soul
and plants sunflowers
in this heart.

How easy it is to weep
at the memory of you.
I could never forget you
wherever you are in this world.
I have never felt this abandoned since you left,
it's like a piece of my heart went across the sea
never to return to this chest.

You took away
my desire to need love.
For some reason, I accepted it,
and I do nothing to change it.
It is like a curse I must endure.
How much longer must this go on?
Do I hold onto this curse to
avoid more pain and heartbreak?
I have carried this curse for too long
to remember how you made me feel
all that time ago.

You are the warmth from
the sun for all these blooming
flowers in my heart

10:47 PM
14/5/23

Can you understand my hesitation?
No one has loved me as you have.
You give me everything and expect nothing in return.
My happiness seems to be your primary goal
and for that I am forever grateful.
Still, some days are harder than others.
I try not to let the pain and the heartbreak
get in the way but old habits die hard.
We all deserve to be loved, don't we?

We are at our
most vulnerable
when we are in love.
The power to ruin lies
in their hands because
our heart is open.

Even while you're gone,
You will remain in this heart
for you are the rhythm of its beat,
the source of its love and joy.
You are inseparable to this heart
as I am to yours
for we share the same
rhythm and blood.

I wish you
were still here
so that I could wrap
my arms around you
so that you can feel
all of this love
I have for you
but cannot say.

Dear diary;
I have always felt this disconnection
with the rest of the world, with society,
but that is nothing new.
I thought I would have overcome it by now,
but sadly, that is not the case.
It has lingered over me for as long
as I can remember and I have never
felt more alone than right now.
This alienation to everyone I meet,
who have loved me and those I loved
leaves me with an inescapable shame.
I still have not found myself
and I don't think I ever will.

I just want to sleep,
but life calls me again,
along with the moon and darkness.
I'd like to sleep,
but this mind is filled with dreams,
and sometimes nightmares.

Sometimes I want to scream it,
Sometimes I want to take all this love
and give it wings, send it
across the sea so that it
can hug you, kiss you,
and keep you warm
while I am gone.

There is nothing
to fear from silence.
Silence can be a
beautiful thing so learn
to embrace it.

Anxiety,
it is born of the mind,
it racks my bones and
makes a home in
every fiber of
my being.

Dear diary;
I have always felt
like an inconvenience.
Perhaps that is why I flee
before I am made
aware of it.

What is sadder than
to end something that could have
given us much more?

11:31 PM
26/4/23

You and I were
never truly alone-
our demons always accompanied us
through love and through pain.

I don't know
how long I will miss you,
perhaps it will take as long
as I've wanted you:
an eternity.

Night has come,
and with it, the shadows
and the sorrowful moon.
I lie in bed and it's a little too silent.
I close my eyes, waiting for sleep,
but it always never comes.
You come to me in darkness
and I am reminded of a warmer time
so very far from where I ended up.
You are not here and neither am I,
at least the I that you remind me of
so very long ago, so very far from alone,
or maybe I always have been.

Why do I write about you
when you cannot see my words?
I do it because my heart
will not let me have it any other way.
This feeling may silence this voice,
it may even destroy me,
but these hands will continue
to write.

You want me to stay silent,
but how can I?
I cannot do it anymore.
There are emotions,
there is blood,
there is love
that cannot be silenced
and one day she will understand.

The way that you love
somebody affects their life-
Never forget that

4:30 PM
26/4/23

I wish I could see you,
I wish I could hold you,
but we are separated and
I don't know what to do.
All I can do is try.

The sun calls to sunflowers,
just as your heart of light calls to me.
I bask in it, absorbing every ray
you put out into this world.

Not everyone will like you
and that is okay.
You cannot please everyone,
no one can, in fact,
sometimes people can hurt us
through no fault of our own.
It is self-care to withdraw from these people,
to walk away for your well being.
Surround yourself with those who care
while at the same time,
prioritizing yourself.

What better feeling
than to look at someone
who once broke your heart and
feeling nothing at all.

Take your eyes off yesterday
and look to me, the future.
Walk towards me, run if you must,
but do not be afraid of me.
Do not doubt yourself or I
and don't let yesterday hold you back.
Let go of the past, of all the pain,
the loss and the darkness and
do not look back.
You are close now,
I can feel you already,
come to me, the future.

The JOY of seeing you again,
of seeing you smile again,
of hearing you laugh again,
of seeing you wake up again,
it floods this soul with JOY
and I am left swimming
in a sea of you.

Dear diary;
on one hand,
I hate being so alone
and on the other,
I have never felt more alone
than I do among others.
What sort of cruel paradox is this?
Perhaps I cannot connect
to anyone, let alone,
myself.

All of this distance
and silence will never stop
me from loving you  

7:10 PM
1/4/23

There is a fine line
between wanting someone back
and missing someone

3:55 PM
28/3/23

All I remember
is that I was young,
dumb and ignorant.
You took me in and showed this heart
a love it never knew existed-
and then you broke me.

There are things I will
never understand such as
why I still love you

11:51 PM
27/3/23