October,
the month of blossoms
and hopeful horizons.
Perhaps this hibernating heart
can come out again and
bask in the new sun-
perhaps it will thaw out
one last time.

My mind is
a kaleidoscope
of colorful thoughts
and bright memories
all too vivid to
comprehend
at once.

It still warms my soul
that you haven't forgotten me,
hell, you still think about me.
I poured all my love into your cup
and you have not spilt it
and turned away like
so many before.

Was I in love
with you or the idea
of you I had in my head,
my heart and my dreams?
Is it possible to be
heartbroken by
an idea?

Sometimes the best way
to love is to understand
your partner's silence

6:29 PM
10/10/24

Something tells me
that this withering sunflower
inside my chest will bloom again
once I find my way
back to you.

Distance is the bridge
that separates our two worlds-
A bridge I must cross.

8:51 PM
26/9/24

Only a night in Hong Kong
can save me now.
With you, hand in hand,
we can walk the Dragon's Back
and find that perfect lookout.
We can watch the sun set over
a city we never wish to leave-
over the neon lights that never seem to fade.
Your head on my shoulder,
we shield each other from Autumn's chill
and forget about our troubles
at least just for tonight.

I feel too much-
I know it all too well.
I hold on for too long despite
knowing when the flames have smothered.
My heart is in ruins and I am left
wandering through embers of
all those long lost memories.

I live only to
survive the nights that feel cold
and dark and lonely

10:48 PM
21/9/24

Sometimes I get the feeling
that my demons love me more
than my angels.
Maybe the fallen are the ones
who know how to lift you up
and maybe the empty ones
are the ones to make you feel whole.

Caught myself wishing
for a quick escape again-
guard up at all times.

10:35 PM
21/9/24

It feels like I am
drowning except everyone
around me can breathe

10:03 PM
20/9/24

Life was a kaleidoscope-
made up of the most vivid
colours and emotions and I
remember them like
they were yesterday.
But somewhere along the way,
it was as if a filter had been
placed over everything.
The colours still remain,
but are now lifeless and dull.
This washed out perception took its toll,
and soon these greys began to paint
this soul and all that it experienced.
Everything that made up the kaleidoscope-
the colours, emotions and experiences
now shades of grey-
shadows of their former selves.
It's an empty feeling to exist in
a world so vibrant when
all I see are shades of grey.

There is a palace
that awaits you-
where you can feel safe,
loved and cherished within its walls.
You will never have to share
it with another for it
was built only for you.
This palace is located in between
these two lungs and only you
hold the keys to its red walls.

My head is in the
galaxy and my thoughts are
spread across the stars

4:56 PM
9/9/24

For better or worse,
life happens without
asking us.
Of course I
am anxious.

Why do you expect
everyone to like you when
you don't like
everyone?

One day
we will meet again.
Our time in this life
was far too short and
it has left me with a broken heart,
a piece of me now missing forever.
I am now left to grieve
for the fact that I cannot watch you
grow into the person you supposed to be,
or that I will never see nor hold you again.
Nothing can prepare us for that kind of grief,
the kind that comes so suddenly
and is out of our control.
The only thing that keeps me going
is the hope that one day we
will meet again, not today,
maybe not tomorrow,
but our time will come
again.

We will meet again-
and our time together won't
be so short next time

10:30 AM
25/8/24

If I would have known
I would have called you more often
and make sure you were never forgotten.
If I would have known
I would have laughed extra harder
and made sure to smile even wider
If I would have known
I would have thanked you for being you
and being there for all we've been through.
If I would have known
I would not have taken you for granted
they way you made life more enchanted.
If I would have known
I wish I had opened up more
after all that's what family is for.
If I would have known
I would have hugged you even tighter-
yours had a way of making life lighter.
if I would have known
I would have told you that I love you
and this grief I wish I could undo.

Grief is a black cloud lurking above,
it shadows all who we dearly love.
One day it rains and drowns the soul
and we lose that love and pay the toll.

Rain turns to storm and life withers away
draining all the colour leaving nothing but grey.
Oh, how we wish we could turn back time-
to undo this remorse and break the paradigm.

Our tears fall like rain as we look back
at all the memories now faded to black.
But you will live on forever in my mind
as I have no choice but to leave you behind.

In this storm I am trying to find a way
out of this night and back into day
where I can find sun and solace in life again
and look back and smile from a place of zen.

I have done it once and I'll do it again,
to be my strongest every now and then.
Grief is a journey so very long and slow
but even in storms, new seeds can grow.

No one breaks your heart
more than yourself by over-
thinking everything

4:13 PM
16/8/24

None of us are
as big as the ocean,
but each one of us are drops
capable of causing a ripple.

We are just
ordinary poets in
an extraordinary world.
We have no fancy words nor meter-
what sets us all apart are our stories
and no one can take that
away from you.

Just because they have
a heart, does not mean they are
capable of love

6:51 AM
6/8/24

Silence comes in
many shades,
for good or for worse.
Sometimes the soul can take
solace in silence and
sometimes it can drown in it.
Other times we cannot tell the difference,
and we are left to decipher our soul
and what shade of silence
it chose today.

Now that you have seen
how I need my solitude
to escape bustle and burden
of everyday life and
how I need my silence
to escape these deafening crowds,
how I take refuge behind this
impenetrable heart of stone,
am I still easy to love?

We all have different
ways of healing.
For me, I need solitude,
so much solitude and silence.
To just be with myself and
my thoughts is how I
recharge that battery that
never had much spark
to begin with.

I am terrified
when I am not
feeling numb.

I am worrying
that I am worrying my
worrisome life away

4:51 PM
24/7/24

Some of us
favor our solitude
over the company of others.
We seek out silence like
the moon seeks out the night
because there are days when
our stars burn out and
running from the sun is
the only way to protect
their glorious glow.

Learning to look  at you from afar,
to not reach you with these hands,
to get used to the silence,
to become strangers
once again
is one of the
most difficult
lessons I have endured
and am still learning.

Maybe there
was no struggle.
Maybe it was me,
myself and my thoughts
all along.

I worry about the day
my tank will deplete
and I won't be able
to give you my
all for I will be
running on
empty.

One common misconception
about night owls is that it
isn't about staying up late,
not to party or to relax,
but the feeling the silence
and the darkness brings.
In this solitude we find peace of mind,
we find the atmosphere to create,
to work and to unwind.
The world is asleep and I
have never felt more alive.

What if everything
was as scary as my mind
made it out to be?

10:56 PM
4/7/24

It is true that
I have never been
an excitable person.
Even when it comes to
celebrations, birthdays,
and even my own, I find it
hard to muster up the joy.
Perhaps I wasn't given the
social battery required to spark
enough excitement for those
day-to-day activities and achievements
but that is fine by me.

"You don't seem quite yourself."
you used to say to me.
You never really did understand
that there is more than one
who inhabit this body
and that you only
loved one of them.

If only I
didn't have to
fade from your view.
I could be a continuous memory
with no end in sight.
It would be a dream that
never had to end.

All memories
leave a mark.
They can manifest
from scratches to scars
or the most
beautiful tattoos.

I love you during rain or shine,
and everything in between.
I love you in my solitude
no matter how distant I seem.
I love you in my absence
even across the land and sea.
I love you when I'm anxious
even when it's taken my autonomy.
I love you in every country
from Vietnam to Turkey.
I love you now and forever
and for all of eternity.

I have learnt not to
talk too much in case
my glass lungs may shatter.
I am sick of plucking the
shards from inside myself
so I have learnt how to
whisper instead.

Nobody talks about
the side effects of trauma.
The ones that make you
way too forgiving,
way too empathetic
to the point of putting
another's needs above your own.
Or maybe you'll do anything
to please people in hopes
they do not repeat the
trauma you so desperately
try to avoid.

I have always
wondered if angels exist,
and since meeting you,
I no longer have
my doubts.

Do you ever
lose so much that
you become all too aware
just how temporary it can all be?
Like the ticking time bomb of love,
with each word inching closer
to detonation.

I miss you
so much that
your smile has become the
sun in my sky and your voice-
the wind that gently flows
through each and every
one of my days.

Depressed and
spiraling into
darkness.
I am calling out
for help but I
am in far too
deep now.

My heart sank to
the bottom of your sea
and now I wait for
it to float back
up to me.

You redact moments
you wish to ignore but
my memory remains the same.
Indeed, we are living records
of time and trauma and
they do not stay dead
for very long.