Your lips are firm
yet supple to the touch,
the electricity that pulses
it just feels like so much

So much feeling in a single touch
and I sigh and clutch
my racing heart
as it beats and beats
and beats apart
from the rhythm of life,
as my soul imparts

The wisdom to me
that I already had
I wrote it down
on my little scratch pad:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
is just to love and be loved in return"

My heart soars
Through open doors
As it climbs
into yours

My soul glowing
radiantly
the brightness showing
and I see

I relish it in it
and it makes me whole.

How is it
that whenever I'm sure that you're the one
that you run in the opposite direction

How is it
that you always seem apologetic,
and I believe you,
but the actions never support the claim

How is it
that when I call on you to talk to me
for five minutes
you can't find the time

And yet you say you love me.

How is it
that I pour my heart and soul out
for you, and you understand me
but you break me afterwards

How is it
that I am so happy
when I am with you
and never want to leave
but the moment I go
reality comes crashing in
How is it
that every time I try to trust you
my face is the one
that ends up stained with tears

And yet I still love you.

How is it
that we keep coming 'round
to this same ****** circle
and don't get anywhere faster

How is it
that my heart beats only for you
and yet I feel
like I have been thrown
naked onto the street

And yet you say you love me

How is it
I can feel it in my very core
that what you say is true
and yet your actions
make it not so

How is it
that I progress and mature
and you have done nothing
but back peddle
in my absence

How is it
that I can take this
and still love you
more than my heart can bear

How is it
that I dote so heavily on you
and would end my life
to save yours
and still feel
the cold burn of inconsistency

I just want to hold your hand
and walk among the tall grasses and weeds
to that place that you took me before
while the wind blows up against our bodies
and we breathe and step forward in unison

The tall grasses swishing, brushing against our legs
activity of those around us humming in the background
children laughing in the pool,
birds calling to each other in the air,
the sloshing of the water against the embankment

And I look to you and all I see are those sea green eyes
Crystal blue on some days, mossy green the next
And I lose myself,
melting in those dazzling pearls of intimacy
When you look at me with them,
it feels like you see into my soul
knowing every part of me all at once

Then I look away, blushing
because your gaze is so penetrating
that I have no way to respond
without seeming foolish
because you have struck me speechless

All my feelings for you reflected
in the red glow of my cheeks,
I cannot hide from your gaze.
No. Not from you.

As you pull me on, hand in tow,
I feel like I could float like this forever
suspended in time and space,
the world outside melting away
as we dance without music

Your smile embedding itself onto my face
cozying up for a long stay,
my face starts to ache from the muscles of my mouth
not being able to relax,
but I cannot stop smiling

As you clear the ground
I watch you carefully brush away
possible bumps and uncomfortable seats
and motion for me to sit next to you
on the spot of ground you have cleared for me

I plop myself down serenely
My body folding into yours,
your arm wrapped around my shoulder
My head resting on your chest

Peaceful dreams come over me
and as we harmonize
the water becomes a bay
and the spot we have taken up becomes the dock
and as we sit upon the dock of the bay,
we watch the small ripples,
assuming they have a tide,
roll away into one another.

We sit on the dock of the bay
and waste time

The drawn anticipation
tip-toeing on the tip of my tongue
I can taste scintillating titillation
of action
of resolve

Slipping slowly into this
vastly unorganized state
of solace and  servitude

Bound by the beautifully ironic
Brush of fate that has brought me
to you

The luscious laments you utter
so lovingly
lap at my conscience
like a lap dog in the life of luxury
oblivious to anyone else's needs
but its own
as I languish the morsels lain on the
cold, wet floor

Freezing as my heart flutters
feverishly to fight the frivolous
attempts to win back the love
that frightens me now

Never doubting,
Nor noticing the imperfections
that nag at the niceties performed
eloquently in your presence

Putting my progress
on hold, while I become
less and less patient
still trying to understand
why you're still with her...

and I'm still here.
Loving you.

I've long since forgotten
the way you held me
The way you touched me

Spellbound by your caresses
My breath suspended
when you look at me
with those mossy green eyes,
that smile that melts any sadness,
any care or worry,
your soft hands,
the calluses on the tips of your fingers,
the way you smell like puppies
is even the most endearing thing about you.

The way your voice reaches my ears
and my body forgets
that there is a world outside us
The sound of your guitar
as you pick and strum away
and I refrain
from placing my quivering lips
onto yours
because I know it would be
the end of a friendship.

My feelings behind an arcane barrier

I am dearly afraid to trust you
and more so afraid
that you will abandon me
at the first sight of intimacy

I grow wary of your questions
guarding my answers,
and you catch it.
You of all people
can see past my wall.

That is really the most frustrating
thing about you:
is that you see.
You see my vulnerability,
the moment I am upset,
you ask what the matter is.

You can see it plainer on my face
than I can perceive it in my heart,
and you understand me  so well,
too well to keep this charade afloat.

So, at some point,
I assume I will have to address it,
my love for you that has no end.

Until that day though,
I will remain quiet,
cherishing the growing friendship
we have achieved once more.

This thought that refuses to leave
an unwanted raging lunatic
tearing at my soul

You are a bug
eating at my flesh
and you refuse to die
I squash you
I burn you
I spray you
and yet
I cannot sleep

Because  I know somehow
somewhere,
you will find your way back to me
and ruin my life all over again.

It used to be that when you were gone

I felt the pain
the tug of your presence missed
through the tips of my fingers

to my eyes
to my heart
to my toes
to my bones that ached
like the dull ache of a healing
broken piece of your body

My whole self
was thrown into this
wild abandon
A flurry of disjointed
waves of emotion
that never ceased
to sting and ****

Into the cold
without a coat
my feet bare
on the wet,
freezing ground

As I hug myself
there is no one around
to see, to feel,
people are present
but no one is there

They walk by with
selective sight
tunnel vision focusing
on what they must
not see,

Anything
to avert eye contact
with the freak
whose feelings
are difficult to comprehend.

I feel lost without you
sometimes.
At others I feel liberated.
Those are the times
that I do things
that I should regret,
but don't.

I refuse to regret anything
that makes me who I am
at this moment.

However,
Sometimes,
I wish I would learn
from my own messy mistakes.

Falling
for the wrong guy
is kind of my specialty.

If you would like advice
on the subject,
I'll be writing a book.

No, I won't.
Books take too long,
That's why I resort
to verse

That boy,
that man rather
I like him.
It is that plain to me.
To him, I'm not so certain.

But this turmoil in me
from you
causes me to pause.

and think.

Reaching
for the words to say
pulling them from
this black hole
of tempted misery

Tempted to call
hesitant to dial
closing the phone
in desperation

Writhing and twisting
with aches that persist
and **** with delicate intent

keys pressed to my fingers
my words flow out of me
into this medium of
electronic space

Not from my hand
do my words come from
but my mind, my pen
a useless old friend that
is neglected beside me

An overwhelming wave
of ocean sweeps over me
crashing in on my thoughts

On the cusp of a revelation!
the wave pulls back out to sea
lost in the translation of the water
mixing spitefully to muddle my
epiphany, my fleeting thought
lost in an ocean of feeling

One hand grasping onto the shore
gripping at the sandy surface
with nothing concrete to hold on to
Thrashing away while I dig myself
a hole in the sand that deepens
by the second

Digging my grave I weep,
the sand mixing with my hot tears
as they stream freely down my face
making mud

A muddy grave I am doomed
to lie in,
to be reduced to a pile of nothing
that gets washed away,
swept up in the
ocean of emotions

The only time
you take to say
I love you
is at the end of the day

Only when all else
is done
do you think to
pick up the phone
to say

"How was your day?"

Five minutes
here or there
then I'm out
to

Bear:

these wounds
that you have left behind
forgiveness I have tried to find
in my heart I cannot see
what this possibly means to me

Cold as frost
on this glass of tea
ice cubes clanking
as my eagerness
ceases

To Be:

capable of believing
your stories
they just end up
to be
tentative sorry's

What am I to do with you
in the balance
hangs a shoe

a shoe that should fit
me and you
one all-inclusive
cinderella duo

Glass slippers
and tux shoes to match
no more for the while

To Catch:

the sinister glance
of a passerby that
gets the chance

To See:

That my pain is real
that this ongoing feeling
is starting

To peel:

back these layers of true love
what lies beneath
is something gloved
with black and coarse
material, it sickens me
sometimes,
to see,
this connection so wearable

Wearing thinner and thinner
to see right through the center...
from you to me

I hope with all hope's hope
that this love will love and last
and be amazing love,
the kind that lasts forever.

But:
if the chill
refuses to leave,
then I'll have to grab my jacket
and leave,
and check out of your hotel

I've made my decision
now let's play roulette
I'll take the black
If you take the red

Watch the ball spin
past colours that blur
My eyes follow
while my vision obscures

Thoughts whir
as the dial stops
dancing with death
as I hear the gun pop

I close my eyes
waiting to die
not this time
though my end
feels nigh

The barrel makes
a menacing sound
as it goes around
and around and around
and around

Where it stops nobody knows
In its chambers
my heart echos

It aches
it pumps with ferocity
with vitality and fervor
Counting down the seconds
'til it utters its last quiver

Standing boldly
laying down
crunched up in
womb's position

This is where I started,
and So shall I end here.

Tick. Tick. Boom.

Trying to find the words
that will mend the hurt
To smooth the pain
to render wisdom
and understanding
into a soft salve
to rub onto
the open wound

Wincing
as you turn away
reaching out for you
but recieving
a single,
over the shoulder
glance
and a slight wave

as my stomach
tightens into knots,
several bound together,
squeezing the life out of me
the vivacious thing that once
made me as colorful as an
Andy Warhol print

Smiling with joy
twisting with sadness
oh what a tangled
Massive
web we weave

Dear Love,
Even though you
are not here next to me
your presence lingers
I feel you when I go to sleep

Your scent lingers
when I move the blanket
or roll over on the sheets
I miss your warmth
as I curl up into a ball

Anticipating
your soft embrace
pulling me into your chest
My face snuggled
comfortably at your collar

I drift peacefully off to sleep
knowing that you're holding me
that I am safe

I miss the way you look at me
when you tell me
how much I mean to you

I miss the way you laugh,
the way you kiss,
the way you breathe

I miss your vitality for life
your spontaneity
The way you love me

I miss your face,
your hair,
your body,
your hands,
everything.

I won't be able
to go to sleep
until I hear your voice again
and I will wait impatiently
for the day I'll see
your car in my parking lot
to come to visit

I miss you, Bear.
And I know you are as eagerly
awaiting seeing me as I am you,
and know that it is probably
a more intense nostalgia
for you,
you hopeless romantic,
but who am I, as the ***?
to call the kettle black?

I'm rambling as always.
Call me soon,
I love you
~Your Angel

I reach for my heart
and find that it's not there
there's a space where it used
to belong with a note
left in its spot

"I've run away from home
Please don't expect me back
any time soon. I do love you,
but I feel safer in the protection
of his arms"

As I set the note down
with a soft sadness
I hear
a knock
at my door
Snapping out of my anxious gloom,
Rushing to the door
expecting it to be my heart
returned to me

I open it...
but instead of my heart
I see his, his heart
reaching out its arms to me

I pick it up carefully,
cradling it in my arms
it seems to beam with
a warm happiness

It notices the hole
where my heart once was
It motions towards it
and I explain that my heart
had left me

His heart seemed to smile
and gently nestled itself
into the hole that
my own heart had left
completing my
circulatory system
pumping my blood
feeling my veins alive
with strong vitality

As I am a part of you,
You are a part of me

I feel like:
I'm yelling
at a brick wall
with my hand
over my mouth

As if I were
to remove my hand
that it would make a
difference

but it wouldn't

You still wouldn't hear.
You would continue to
talk AT me in that
condescending tone

arguing with you
is superfluous
you just think you're right
arguing logically
with an illogical person
is illogical

and when you are
backed into a corner
you yell
and then claim
to be hurt

in an effort to gain
an apology
UNWARANTED

You stomp your feet
and slam things down
on the counter
like a five year old child
and expect me
to take you seriously

And when you walk
into that door
and accuse me of
the stupidest things
then expect me not to
"get an attitude"
it ****** me off to no end

That's why I shut off,
Mother.
That's why I don't talk to you.
When I tell you to leave me alone
because

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT

it means that I don't want to hurt you
by saying these things
and that I love you,
but I hate dealing with the way
you handle situations that you don't like.

It's not fair to the other person
because you
Barrel through their retaliations
with senseless *******
that only makes sense to you

and if no apology comes,
you obsess until you come up
with this ******* conclusion
that is over-thought
and entirely untrue

I'm not pregnant, you idiot.
And just because I don't want to talk to you
doesn't make whatever is wrong ABOUT you
and don't make it about you.
because you do. all the ******* time.

You still treat me like I'm ten years old
and you have this assured power over me
you want to take back the presents you bought me?
fine. do it. I'm not materialistic, so all it proves is your
pettiness.

I wish you could hear the malice dripping in your tone
aimed specifically just to hurt me
thanks, Mom.
I appreciate it on my BREAK.
But it's not a break with you
******* at me 24/7.

I can't wait to go back to school and
be stressed out there instead.
At least I don't have to worry about
hostility when I'm in my own room.

And by the way, learn how to knock.

Shake it all up
and put it in a jar
and maybe then
it won't get as far

Down
deep into me
these feelings
that I try to bleed out
naturally

through my tears
salt-ridden and ragged
This thing is eating through me
like putrid little maggots

It's like an acid
eating away
at all of the love,
rot and decay

I'm not me
anymore can't you see?
I'm an empty shell
that you see on TV

Smiling

I fake it
like all the others
saying hello to you
not talking to my mother

Because out of everyone
I talk to
she would know
she would get a clue
to the fact that
I seem to be different than
I used to

Be,
To be or not
to be merely in existence
suspended in space
the gravity is affecting me
pulling at my face

Pulling it down
into this permanent
frown
I can't look up and I can't
look down
at the ground
at my feet
that don't feel sound

I wobble,
and I can't stand straight,
there's a film in my eyes
and a limp in my gait

I'm ill
I don't know the disease
but what's even more sad:
I don't know the cure

I am on the edge of what I think is reality
Somewhere between a suspended state
of illusion, and the backlash
of shattering, sobering, breathtaking truth

It's on the tip of my tongue
and I can taste the faint, sweet, dull
sensation that
I think is the sugar coating

I have to break past it,
see past it,
taste past it
Like the black coffee
beneath the layers
of milky sugar and cream

To somehow break it apart
seperate the black, bitter, reflective surface
from it's murky counterparts

Banging on a one way mirror
I can see myself
but what lies on the other side
is a hidden,
mass of intimacy
hiding and masked

masked, as the taste of sugar masks the
bitterness of my coffee
as I drink and ponder
the wonders of my universe
and why I am able to type these words
and yet not have any grasp
on whether or not they are real
if I am real
...

I think therefore I am.
Descartes put it simply,
but my thoughts are the only thing
that can be proven to be real in any sense
because they exist without me
because: in essence, I am defined by what I record
and I record my thoughts

So, the mask unravels
the thoughts unfurl
the mysteries of the universe tumble
intangible to this being who
believes she exists
on the brink of reality

It's too hard to have hope
when you can't see through the fog,
When you turn around:
you can't see anything at all

It's too hard to burn a candle
in the cold and slanted rain,
There are too many raindrops
and only one flame

It's too hard to see you crying
when I can't stand the pain,
there's too much hurt inside me
the feelings that you've slain

I'm saying something about nothing
or is it the other way around?
Am I staring at the ceiling
or gazing at the ground?

Round and round in circles
is all I ever go
My schedule ever changing,
and I don't know how to

SEW

Back up the pieces
The ones that I have lost,
Maybe there's a line:
One that I have crossed.

Maybe I did nothing
but something's what I've done
I'll never know until I stop
and I can't stop
because I have to

MOP

Up all the slices
of a life I left behind,
I think I might be crazy
But I'm not out of my

MIND

Your manners,
Do your chores,
Catch up on that homework,
Patch up all your wars

Never ending,
Always going,
It's not even
slowing down,
I think I'm gonna

HURL

My cares unto the world,
I just don't give a **** anymore

I'm saying nothing about something,
or is it the other way around?

This poem goes in circles,
but to this poem I am

BOUND

To end up somewhere
Where I feel that I belong,
It's just so hard to trust these days
when you just seem

WRONG

Is what I seem to be
Every single time I speak,
They always tell me what to do
And never twice to

THINK

I'm saying nothing about something
Switch it around and you will see:

Even though they call me
"normal"
I will only
be able
To be

ME

Panic strikes me
as I realize that
I'm alone

Alone for the first time--
and I don't know
what to do with myself

All these people
Insistent beeping, buzzing,
rolling, shutting

My collective mind
Unraveling
Before my eyes as I have
No one to talk to
to
Connect
with

Floundering
thumbing through
my contacts
to find someone

Anyone

To make me feel wanted,
to feel that my company,
even if through a phone,
is wanted, that I am
desirable

As I fold in on myelf
the Layers turning inward,
eating themselves--

The waitress leans down and asks:

Is everything okay?

I respond, muttering:

mmhm.

It's killing me from the outside in
you know...

But I don't say that

As the layers fold,
the only thing that remains
is a scared little girl
just as frightened as she was
the day she opened her eyes
underwater
and looked around
and realized how eerily
vast and deep the water was...

It still scares her.
It scares me.
And I realize
that the one thing
I can't stand more than
Anything
more than death itself:
is being alone.

Why?

Because when I am
alone with my thoughts
That vastness
that deep ocean of nothingness
bathed in a burning, purified chlorine
Haunts me

Because I cannot fill it,
not even with the deepest of thoughts,
the most vivid sentiments
Cannot satisfy the depths
of the reflective blue against
a slate of unfeeling cement

Can't sleep
These dizzy thoughts
spinning ceaslessly
relentless
in a cup

Half empty,
Half full?

Who knows,
But in the end
the mad hatter will
still wish you had
never been born--
A very Merry Unbirthday to you
to me?

Indeed

Round and Round
they go
mixing colors, textures
emotions, thought
into this smear of humanity

A stain on the background of my mind
as it clicks and whirs and calculates
the options, the weighted possibilities
the electrical impulses zipping past
the smear of confused, muttled anguish

through it, around it,
but the shock cannot
seperate the colors
the textures, the emotions,
the thoughts

The colors melt into grey
various shades of unvarying
reluctant gestures

As the cheshire cat
smiles and laughs like
the cookie crisp mascot
cukoo for coooookie crisp
I hear its laughter

Chuckling madly
at the mad hatter and myself
the mad hatter sipping
out of the cup of grey
as he sings about my unborn nature

Unborn into the world of reality
of sensibility, of responsibility

WAKE UP

I snap back
I look around
and do not recognize
anything at all

I am holding something,
this thing inside my hands:
It's soft, it's molded,
and it's melting
like little grains of sand
Struck by lightning
and turned into glass

Happiness blazes but
it never can last

It breaks so easily
so, fragile, so pure
with the slightest tink
its fate is ensured

Carrying it ever so carefully
as if it were gold,

Love: a golden love so pure
That my hands,
my tainted hands would surely
stain its beautiful luster

I try to keep it in my palms,
but the liquid just seeps through
It seems to have a consciousness
and I feel its feelings, its pain,
its gloom

I'm trying not to hurt it
as it hisses and burns
my hands

Scalding them as the liquid
screams in terror
that it has been altered,
tainted, unpurified

It hisses that I'm burning it
as it burns me in return
We understand each other's pain
but rendering assistance
is just too much to take

The blisters on my hands
The mangled skin,
the tears
hissing as they fall into
the molten, golden liquid
turning it a dark shade of
blue:now a puddle on the floor

Fate it seems

Controls the motion
As I glance your direction
You smile
I smile


My body seems to
Gravitate into your orbit
As it pulls me so irresistably
into the spin that brings me
closer to you

As your arms reach out
Our fingertips brush
My breath stops
Time stops

Looking up
into those eyes
that are the color of
the waves in the ocean

Feeling the radiance of warmth
provided by your smile,
your gaze,
your arms
your hands

Feeling
for the first time
since we parted
safe

Nothing can hurt me
as you hold me
I feel no pain
No remorse
as you soothe away
my fears

Only the most subtle
of motions
You know me so well--
as your hand moves
in circular motions on my back

You whisper
the words I need to hear

From you
They mean everything

Rejuvinating my senses
my awareness
my sense of life
Color returning
to my world of grey

The world returns to me
now in three dimensions
Reality, not so harsh
but with a tint of understanding

You complete my sanity
Knowing who I am
not through holding your hand
but through
how you help me percieve
to see

Taking the blindfold off
and stepping into the
blinding light
of clarity and sharp vivid
pictures

Picturing myself
with you
is what keeps me
grounded until
I see your
face again

The sour taste
of bitter company
Teeth clenched
Tongue held
to preserve the
somewhat peacful
lie of a setting

A good time
While stepping
around the eggshells
like a minefield
of emotional explosions

You know that one will explode
you just don't know when
Hoping, feeling guilty for the hope
that the explosion will avoid you
and fall onto someone else

The smell of dinner
sustained silence
small talk
strained smiles
Happy ******* Thanksgiving

I wave hello to myself
reluctantly, expectantly
but my image turns its back
Walking away
as I reach out for it
it shakes its head

I call out to it
it walks faster
Two steps away
Beside myself
with lonliness

A shadow of my former self
a dark, hollow shell
of what I remember to be

My hands unfamiliar
as I lay me down
on unfamiliar ground

The unfamiliar feel
of my palpatating *****
in my chest
the sensation of the air
grazing my body wistfully
carelessly unaware of
my state

Me

Hey You!
I turn to see my reflection
glaring at me, feiry and
passionate

It's not about you
Try looking outside of your
own scope and
listening, watching, feeling
other people's
emotions, thoughts, sensations

And maybe you'll understand
And I will return to you
and I will be able to become proud
of the individual
We
will be

And with that
I blink
and I am gone
and then engulfed
in a silence so complete
that silence itself shudders

At your will
a bend to your word
twisting and turning
all the while unheard

Silent and mindful
Slipping so sure
to fall and fall over
the timing absurd

Rendered a puppet
whose movements secure
grotesquely twist
and move all the more

Tangled and Twisted
Arms all bound up
Hands tied and jilted
Time to back up

Moving my legs
but they do not move
the control you have
is not willing to soothe

The heady headway you
seem to have had
Haven't I given enough
that I have?

Tug me this way
Sway me that
Pull me up
Push me down

This motion I can't control
I watch as you drown me
Outside of my body
as you **** me slowly

Watching as I softly fade
Cheeks flush
Tick
Tick...

Sitting in solemn silence
all around me the deafening roar
of thoughts flooding through
my mind

Heads bent over their work
as they contemplate the
significance that this will even have
ten, twenty, thirty years from now

Looking around and seeing
stress on people's faces
as they sit and wittle away
the fifty minutes of
fluid time

Twiddling their thumbs
the equivalent of me
here
writing this poem

Bland revising conversation
with an overtone of educational
******* wrapped in a blanket
of disconcerting melodrama

Whispers of unfocused chatter
and my mind wanders lazily
from one thought to the next

Conflicted as I should be writing for
another purpose
to complete an assignment
that I couldn't possibly
care less about

Oh the joys of institutionalized
education
and yet
the irony:

I want to become
a part of it
in order to remedy
its imperfections
from the inside out

Recklessly abandoned in your gaze
as you turn it back to me
As I am wrapped up in
a woven dream of intimacy

The cloth smoothing over my skin
like the scented oils that
bathe me in an intoxicating smell
of deep golden ecstacy

Moving close
so close
to the cliff of temptation
So hopelessly drawn to
the edge

I know once I step closer
I'm sure to fall in

Abating my senses
Tantalizing my mind

Teetering on the edge
Rocking on my heels
on the precipice
in my mind

Biting my lip as
I close my eyes
and Jump

Distracted

by the flying thoughts
within my mind
as I think fleetingly
from one thought to
the next...

Not really stopping
to analyze or put to the test
What did I have for lunch today?
Is he worth it?
What's due in class tomorrow?
When am I going to do it?
I have to work...
I miss my mom
I love hanging out with my friends
that light is really bright
I think it's giving me a headache
Christ, I'm tired
No, I don't want to listen to that song
This one's better
Why is it so cold in here?
Why is this comforter so hot?
I really should go to bed
My mind is reeling
I wonder if he likes me
I think I might like him
But it's complicated
Math is complicated
I'm taking a math class next semester
I hope it's easy
I'm hungry
I think I ate all of those chocolate things that he gave me...
Yeah. Yup. Sure did.
My mouth is dry, and my head itches.
Now my back itches because I thought of my head itching.
I wonder if it'll even work
Worth a shot I guess
But what about...
no.
That won't work.
That was made clear.
Oh well. A loss isn't the end of the world.
I wonder if the end of the world really is 2012.
If it is, I want to conquer my fear of heights before then.
I should have a better goal than that before the end of the world...
I'll have paid for a **** load of schooling for no reason...
sigh
yawn
I should listen to music
It calms my mind
writing helps dump my thoughts onto paper
Welcome to the random discertation that is my mind
Once upon a story and
THE END.

Pan left and zoom in

on the corner of my mind
Disentangle the heartache
and Reassemble the pieces
of time

Pan right and zoom out
to grasp the bigger picture
a muted pink surface reflecting
a distant past
Swept away

Never had I imagined
the burn
that resides in
the pit of my stomach

You cause me heartburn,
But there's no stopping it

That burn, that need, that desire
Is what keeps me from
falling apart

I don't want to get burned
but when playing with fire
there's no way to stop

The flames keep on rising
and I'm burning to the core
just keep getting closer
There's something
I want to explore

Relatively senile
the memories in my mind
fade as new ones replace
the broken past

Watching the lovers
as they stroll along
the rainswept streets
of connected
bliss and dischord

Looking around
at the silence
tasting the futile attempts
like ashes on a cold day

Feeling
the chill down my spine,
my quickened pulse
as you enter the room

Eyes brighten
as they think of you
Ever so noticably
Slipping into a drugged
state in which coming back
isn't a desirable option

Poetry laced with
an intoxicating poison
slowly saturating my senses
blinding faults, impurities

Grasping at clarity
and finding none
only your arms
folding around me
pulling me deeper into
the abyss

Tipping on the scale
of an emotional torrent
Sipping from the cup of
an evocative song

Doing what you do to me
is a wave of frustration
pounding in my unbroken heart

Feigning, Waiting, Testing, Saying
How do I begin to tell you
that you make me melt?
That I look for you around corners
anticipating your face, your breath,
your smile

Zipping up my pocket
of emotional recall
Closing off the opening
sewing up the hole

Hoping that you don't see
don't hear, don't notice
that I can't let you in

I stumble then I fall
into your arms again
Trying to stay away but I can't
seem to resist the attention

That you give to me
Your eyes are so deep you see
that I drown in your gaze

Slipping into an emotional tyrade,
Trying to keep my head
from going under
Trying not to drown to resist temptation,
But failing so miserably bad

I can't stay away for a moment
without hearing your voice in my mind
Tossing and turning and turning away
I Turn right back
To the very first page

The one I can't bear to look at
Yet look anyway

Never know

how much I need until
I get just what I want

And I never know what
I want until it's
already gone

Never knew that
it was you
til you knocked on
my door

Had no idea
Didn't have a clue
that it was you I was
looking for

Then before I realized
what had happened
You had disappeared

Now what a shame
What a cryin' shame
for me to realize
so late

But that is fate
Baby that is fate
that's how it plays your game

Options
for the beggar
that hath seen no
light
Takes what she pleases
and finds delight

Hath not the beggar seen
her fatal flaw?

The beggar is but a beggar and
not pleased at all.

For if the beggar were to see
that her situation is but irony,
She then doth partake in sentiment
whose cracked joke is eminent.

Never fear for the dear beggar
is near and does not realize her folly
She trips and skins her broken knees
yet does not board the trolley.

For the trolley will take her away to see
What she has so fatally lacked
the experience she needs to grow
and grow a bone in her back.

Sharp angles

pause for the greater effect
of the picture being portrayed
by the puppets who ensue
the damage

Jagged lines
lay still and juxtapose
the sharp angles
in an entangled
bounty of emotional
mess

Arches
sweep across
bridging the destruction
with the emotion and
create meaning
while

Color
brushes itself along
adding a dimention of
clarity and purpose

Circles
which are there for
no reason at all
do not even realize
they are a part of the picture
but pretend that they too
contribute

Texture
pops the colors and the lines
and gives them a realistic
tone and quality

People
who look upon them
do not see the beauty
or the grandeur
or the time
or the raw emotion
or the painstaking amount of work
or the love
or the hatred

They see sharp angles, jagged lines, arches, color, circles and texture out of context
with the world they see,
and so: they see nothing.

Twirling on an oil slicked floor


Faster
Faster

Never stopping to see for sure

Faster
Faster

If what you want is the cure

Faster
Faster

For your pulsing heart
Faster Faster
Growing close
FasterFaster


STOP


as you slip
and your feet
are no longer
beneath you
and in slow motion face the ground
beneath you
and it swallows you up
the darkness intruding
on your vision
closing in
on your dreams
as you slip
past the incongruities
of destiny and fate
of love and lust
of passion and gentleness
and all
Is Still.

The pain that pricked
me so curiously...

Not an aching or a throb
but an all out assault
on my stomach
a nagging
a stab

An insistent ****
in my side
the side I cling to
when the pain is too much

The side you laid your hand on
to tell me it was going to be
okay

But 'okay' only suffices
for the mind
and does not ease the pain
caused by this thorn
in my side.

Its slippery surface denies me
the ability to pull it out,
and I have not the resources
or the will to remove it.

Somehow I've become accustomed
to this stabbing, unsettling sensation
and as a developing *******,
It seems that I like it there.

Like a friend when no one
is there to listen
the thorn is still at my side

Willing to listen
as it buries itself deeper
for a long chat

As a beloved growth
now a part of myself
if I ripped it out,
I too would perish.

Therefore, it lives with me,
in my side,
along side me
aiding me with grief
and providing a
bit of its own.

Take my hand but
Don't hold on
Let me hug you
But push me away

As
Dangerous as
an Intoxicating Drug
Smoldering in your soul

As your emotions
burn into stone
Etching a permanant
scar into your sleeve

As you wear your
heartache on your sleeve
With a burn hole and a scar
that empty spot that once was full
Will be replaced with nothing

Because I'm saving you from myself
I cannot comfort your pain
Because I am what the hurt consists of
I am the root of your heart's torture

You may not see it
But it is as clear as day
that I must save you from myself
so that you might heal

So that you might live
to find yourself anew,
Create a better life
loving someone else

For I am a poision that will
Rot you with sweetness
**** you with care
Martyring myself for
your relief

And the only way to detach your
dependence on me
is for me
to
disappear

The area between clarity and
Indecision
Is where my mind always tends to stay

As it creeps into this colorless
Vision
Time melts and one night can turn into days

Grey Gray Grey
Bleeds into the fabric of my mind
Dying everything its bland yet putrid color

Ambiguous gestures
and a fleeting glance
Wrap their fingers 'round my neck
and they smother
Creativity, Life, Solitide
Noise Noise Noise
Blocking my creative release

As the muttled disposition
that my body defaults to
displays a disgruntled
shoe salesman
No one guesses at,
Knows what I go through
No one reads past the grey

Dissolution and no one
can see the clarity
In a cup of water with
stirred in dirt

The dirt keeps on swirling
and refuses to settle
To see the pearl
in the bottom of the glass
becomes impossible

The little pearl of hope
its white irradescent
luminescence
That reflects everything in
a milky white silk gaze

But no one can see it
past the grey gray muck
of muddled inquisition
of a muttered note of
agreeableness

Take me on this summer afternoon

Sizzling heat cooling off the soon
related factions of the precipice in
my mind

The underhanded broken chains that
whisper in my sleep
that choke me as
I unknowingly gaze into
the face of eternity

Melting together the
bonds of society to my broken
identity
to them this is nothing but
a game

Corner street societies
smokingly gaze at my uncomfortable
place as I try to wriggle free
from the grip with which
they are holding me tonight

Is the night
Such a beautiful night
and they call it
Bella Noche

Undistrubed and peaceful bliss
Wrapped in a bacon strip
greased up in oily fat
that will be eaten by a docile cat
that has no inclination to think about
these things
that bind him to his master

Laying on the floor Lying in wake
Waiting for the Blank
that will not come

Can't find the words
that express my face
It's all inside this shell
of Blank_

Dictionary aiding the soul
but is burned in translation
A darkness that fufills the rose
and is Blank devestation.

To express
To create
To release
To share
To unburden
To Blank__.

Feigning sleep,

that creepy creature of the night
as it sinks into my bones making them
creak with exhaustion

Awaiting the telltale buzz of a phone at my side
to hear his voice,
to be ushered into sleep peacefully
and loved.

To feel that warm delicate feeling
touch my heart then to radiate from
the inside out
like kind tendrils of vines
craddling nature's child as she sleeps.

So he warms my soul and calms my mind
Love so deep it makes you blind
and robs you of reality but in place of it
offers a sweet sub-reality,
A blissful get-away
My own personal vacation.

Then you sweetly set my feet on the ground,
Bringing me back to reality,
But all the while holding my hand.

I answer the phone

and say hello

as my heart soars.

It hurts

to be in a world full of people
and still feel so alone

Friends and shallow conversation
lackluster meaning with a crave for more

I want substance
Depth

I want to pick up the phone
But I know I shouldn't

Fighting that pain in my stomach

I can't help it

I can't do this.

I need to get away.

I'm not sure 100% of the time.

I don't know what I want.

Impulses drive my decisions.

Impulse after impulse
like wave after wave of
Neverending small pulses of electric shock
Just enough to keep you on edge.

Tick, Tick, Boom. Tick, Tick, Boom.

Twitch Twitch

Eyes bloodshot,
No sleep.
No satisfaction. No happiness.
Bah humbug.
Only scrambling to fill the void.

Scrambling, trying to fix,
Trying to cope,
Trying not to disturb the delicate border of
Hurt.

Moving from one quick fix to the next.
Hurry, Hurry. Or you'll feel the pain.
Faster, move faster. Don't stop now or
It will ***** you again.

It'll catch your heels and make
You trip and fall
Skin your knees and hands.
Get up, now run.

Scrambled, Scrambled,
Brain tattered,
Scattered messages,
Mixed and garbled

A calm face. A calm expression.
Calm mannerisms. Completely
without symptoms.

Or so it seems.

So, why is it that life seems to go on without me? It seems like I miss the bus because I hesitate with almost every decision I make. I always try to calculate every possible angle before making a choice, and I take so long to do it, that whatever opportunity I might've had disappears. Or, I make the wrong decision and pine over it like a dog licking its wounds.


When it comes to things I should think about before I jump into them, that's when I don't think. I just do it. I think that route is more risky, but I can't get past square one with the first option of thinking it all out. On the other hand, my decision-making process doesn't have to be dichotomistic either. There are more than two ways to think things through. I think it's just been really hard for me to find a balance because I tend to go back and analyze the results of my actions regardless.

Needless to say, I second-guess a lot. and third and fourth guess. Indecisiveness is one of my weaknesses. And yet, if you take me shopping I can be in and out of 10 stores in an hour and come out with exactly, and only what I went in for.

sigh

Emotional/life decisions are where I have problems. People can't help make those for you, and you have to deal with the consequences because you're the one who chose to put yourself through it. Maybe that'll be one of the things I'll get better at when I move off to college.

So many shifting tiles under my feet that I'm not sure where to step. If I second guess, the tile under me may shift and I'll fall. But then the one that I jump onto may also move before I step onto it.

Indescribably infallible

a vault of secrets kept gaurd by the walls of my memory
a picture of innocence sustained by the secrets that are inside

A Pandora's box of gross testimony
shaded in by the lines of worry on my face
a small undisturbed box of calamity and fear

Unguided and unaided,
My own decisions staring me in the face,
Unsure if my own self can sustain,
let alone stand the problems of the world.

My shoulders alone cannot bear the burden,
But I have already accepted the responsibility
So I must carry the weight and imperceptable sadness
of others so that they may flourish in place of me,
so that they may blossom while  Iwither away into
age that is beyond my years.

Quietly, in solitude, silence, packed full of secrets that
threaten to tear from inside me like a demented child from a womb,
with claws so sharp as designed to rip me open and bleed out my sympathies.

Getting quieter now as I back away into the corner that I have reserved for myself,
A somber face with the perilous, treacherous things of my past and the past of others contained in a box inside my heart.
A ticking time bomb.

Roaring in my ears,

Fire in my soul,
Deafening, all consuming, treacherous:
The violence with which my body trembles
is enough to make me want to collapse.

Every nerve in my body is raw
raw to the synapse,
down to the electrical impulse that jumps
the gap and creates
a chemical that induces
some kind of process
that I have little control over.

Happy, sad,
Lust, love,
Confusion, pain,
Pleasure, resolution:
All just chemical reactions of the brain to stimulatory catalysts.

There is no light at the end of the tunnel;
for there is no tunnel.
Yet if there was, I would be too afraid to travel through
the dark to get to that supposedly
Desirable end.

Electrical impulses that control every thought,
every feeling, taste, touch, smell and
how they have an effect on us.

Simple yet complicated beyond understanding, and yet we breathe,
Continue our lives with only the faintest idea
that we are controlled by the chemicals contained within us.

Perplexing. Deeply thought provoking. chemical producing.

Tears that stain my face, Trickle their way
down my cheek and neck,
Resting on my palpatating delapedated *****

Mending the cracks and sealing the wounds.
They stare, wonder, speculate,
let them.

Hot gazes, a flash in the pan,
A gaze to distract, to dispell
to intoxicate, to forget.
A shallow drop in a dry well of tears
Emotions like a cloud over the well,
Grey and ominous with the promise of rain

Rain rain go away,
Come again some other day,
Some other day when you won't see,
This shadow of my former me.
Tears trickle past my heart,
leaving a trail from begining to end
from my eye to my stomach.

Glistening paint that covers the holes
But does not fill them.

My stomach touched by the tears has an adverse reaction,
Does flips and kicks that would make an acrobat jealous to the core
my chest heaving with sobs of wretched,
sobering gasps of shocked air

I can't do this. I need to stop the self-destruction.
I need to regroup, regain control, and stop.
The clouds shake and thunder rumbles,
threatening to release their heavy load.

Rumble, wave after wave,
a crack of lightning,
a release, a temporary reprieve
then a following panic, confusion
as I realize I'm IN the well.
the well is not a well of tears,
but an endless wall of brick crushing me
as a constricting snake,
slowly feeding off of my life until I am no more.
As I awaken, I trace my index finger lightly across the stains,
those stains that stain my pillow, and drip black,
burning ink on my heart.

Oh what those tears could heal and tear that
I might be torn in half and sewn up again
one final time
to let it be finished.

My mind is a current of wave after wave of jumbled thoughts and mumbled words
Not knowing how to interpret, how to cope, how to breathe.

Breathe.

I Must Breathe.

Can't breathe, for there is no breath, no air to **** into my lungs, the harsh sting of water filling my lungs as I drown in my own misunderstanding. Pain and fear bind my hands and I cannot disentangle them.

My feet feel like lead a weight pulling my body down into the dark depths of the deep black abyss where my eyes that have seen little thus far, can see nothing.

Your words hold no weight, no substaniality in this impartial harsh reality of suffocation.

Gasping for air, swallowing more water...the world around me slipping away as my mind frees itself feeling lighter than the rest of my body.

floating, falling apart from the inside out, freedom on the one hand, and a saving grace on the other. both tied behind my back as i look up towards the impossible glimmering surface of the reality i cannot return to.
Help me ******. I can't do this. I can't handle this alone. Pull me out.
Rescue me. Be my hero.