I take it in waves
the heart-pounding
the ear-ringing
calorie-counting
run-tracking
grade-tracking

I take it in waves
Am I social enough?
watch too much tv?
not enough?
care too much?
care too little?
pray enough?
drink enough?
have enough ***?
too much ***?
with the right people enough?
are these the wrong people?

I take it in waves
no one cares
no one notices
dont make this my issue
dont make this anyone else's issue
do I have a thing?
do I need a thing?
will I be a good teacher?
will I be a good mother?

I take it in waves
Die
it will be easy
just cut your wrists
you know where to get the pills
the drugs
the needles
drive off a bridge
jump off a bridge
they are well adjusted people
they wont miss you
they dont need you
you dont need you

I take it in waves  
I deserve this
I need this
happy is a good feeling
you are strong
you are smart
you are right
people do like you
God loves you
he loves you
they love you
they need you
you need you
dont give up
dont cop out
dont die
live

And on the days I can actually breath in without a sharp pain in my mind
I know that the reason I can is you
And I know that you might go away
But for the time being I love you
And that is enough for me

the rapid fire
of electric
pragmatic
wonderful
heavy
breath

on my
neck
ears
lips

hands
gripping
groping
teasing

hips
pushing
thrusting
grinding

chest
pressing
holding
panting

lips
*******
biting
kissing

oh but his eyes  
they
were
fixed
on me
the
whole
time.

i'm so tired
of being

both mentally and
physically

i'm so tired of having
to
be present
to  be in a place i can't
recognize
to be in  a time i can't
relate to

i suppose my body hurts more than my tolerance

just since when did exist
ing
become so  painful
ly  heavy?

my body falls
even    deeper
my body stinks
even stronger

i swear i
loved                           life
i swear i   lived          life

a life that
is not mine
a life in a      body     i do not
own