I looked up and saw you,
You looked like a hero,
Halos of gold shined above your head,
You rebuilt roads that were broke,
You fixed every problem,
You kept together our home,
I wanted to be just like you,
My heart swelled with love for you.
I was your little solider,
I was your little helper,
I was your little friend,
I was your baby girl,
You were my best friend.
It was all to my surprise,
The man I loved with all my heart,
Didn't have love for me at all,
If he loved me, he wouldn't have done what he did,
He loved his drugs and alcohol,
He always got so mean,
Maybe he doesn't remember,
But I'll never be able to forgot what he did to me.
I still live with the broken remains,
The sad memories,
Of the love that I once had,
Now all I feel is the loss, the pain, and the break,
I've become so confused,
I can't live with what you did,
It's just to much.

I snuck into your room last night
You always leave the doors unlocked and those lights aren’t fooling anyone
The floorboards creaked with cloudy memories and I feared I’d wake you
But your mind was buried so deeply in darkness the sky could not stir you

I laid with you in silence last night
Your bones whimpered and rattled like the bitter cold wind against the windows
The ice must have certainly entered through those tiny cracks in the glass, in your shell
Crystals fell softly from the ceiling and landed upon your cheeks

I took myself away from you last night
Peeled back your eyelids gently and wiped out the cloudiness I’d left there
Soft cotton picked up the old traces left on your skin, your fingertips; under your nails
Your mouth I traced with honey and perfumes; I placed young crickets under your pillow

I left you last night
Though you walked me to the door and watched me drive away, you never once saw me
You must have been dreaming that I was merely visiting; a guest, unaware
Blind to the mirror you dressed yourself in, and adorned in the “all along”

You always were a light sleeper.

"Old man, please listen to my tale
   for someone needs to hear
The store of a girl with lies so dark
    and oh so many fears.

Old man this is important
    not just to me but to you.
I know you don't understand
    but trust me you will soon.

You is started with broken homes,
    which leads to single lives.
And judges and courts and child support,
    well, you knows as well as I.

The woman, she had a temper,
    and her fists and words did fly.
But she did her best with what she had,
   Boy did she try.

To fill the shoes that were much to big,
    when her feet were much too small.
Her frustration needed venting,
    call me the punching wall."

"Well little girl where was your dad,"
     he tenderly said to me.
"Well old man, I couldn't tell you,
    but maybe you could tell me."

A puzzled look did grace his face
    his features stiff and tall
So finally I asked the man
    "Do you recognize this at all?"

And I held out a picture of a babe,
    fresh from her mothers womb.
And a sign saying "Dear daddy,
    please come home from war soon"

"The war has messed me up dear child,
     for I am no one's dad."
I smiled as I said to him,
   "I know sir, I understand.

But you can't blame this on the war
   for we did meet again
Because I used to visit
   until you left to follow another ***** hen."

A knowing look graced his face,
    as he remembered me.
"Dear child I am sorry,
      I should have remembered thee."

"Oh it's okay old man," I say,
     "I just wanted you to know.
I have a husband now you see,
     and a family of my own

My husband, he adores the kids,
    of which there are two.
A little boy and girl, 7 and 9
    neither of which know of you.

One day I'll tell them of a man
    who had more important things to do
And then I'll point to my husband and say
   ' I didn't have a daddy like you'

And no amount of words,
   will change what is our past.
I do not seek apologies,
   I only needed to ask.

If when you go to bed at night,
   you ever think of me.
Do you ever think what you've lost,
   or did you just believe,

That we were better off alone
    and that I'd be alright.
Or were you just to busy,
    to think of me at night.

Did you remember,
   if my eyes were brown or blue.
Did ever wonder,
   If I looked like you."

"But little girl you didn't ask
    any of those today
I can answer all sufficiently
   and help you find your way."

"Old many I didn't need to ask,
     to get the answers that I seek.
For when you did not recognize
   your smile or your cheeks,

I knew that you were fine without me,
     and your reasons for being gone,
Were that you were much to busy,
     to bring a kid a long.

And I know that you don't miss me,
    for when my husband's away,
He drops down to his knees at the door,
   longing to hug his kids all day.

You did no such thing right here,
   and now I know the truth.
You were much to selfish,
   Who would need a man like you.

But before I leave, you should know,
   that I was never okay.
I always blamed myself,
   for why you didn't stay.

But thank you for the answers,
   and maybe I'll sleep tonight.
Knowing it wasn't me, but you,
   that was too weak to fight.

I'll take comfort in knowing it wasn't me,
   that pushed your love away.
You had no spare love to give,
   so I'm glad you didn't stay.

So I hope that you are happy,
   and I hope the world is kind and true.
For I am finally okay,
   knowing it was always you.

I really don’t like being at my new school.
It’s far too big for me and I don’t know anybody.
So I sit alone most of the time,
Which I don’t mind.
It’s better than the alternative.
It’s so lonely here though.
I feel alone even when I’m in a room
with dozens of other students.
How I wish I could do this.
Math class.
Nobody answers the teacher’s questions
Except for me and a fellow a few rows behind me.
He’s so quiet though.
He talks to the teacher in an accent I’m not sure I recognize,
Though it sounds oriental.
In broken. But deliberate. English.
He volunteers to solve a problem on the board.
I glance at him.
Casually dressed with a stiff short haircut.
He looks harmless enough.
Maybe I’ll try asking him.
I sit anxiously waiting for the end of class.
3:43.
Only 2 minutes left.
I feel sweat pouring from my chest and neck.
I practice and practice in my head,
becoming more of a nervous wreck every second.
I hurry and pack my bag so I won’t be distracted then.
He walks by.
“Ummm… excuse me.”
He doesn’t seem to hear me.
Instead, he stops to ask the teacher a question before he leaves.
I wait.
And wait.
I wonder if I should just not say anything.
Something tells me to just keep quiet.
He heads toward the door.
No, I’ve got to!
I tap him on the shoulder.
“Excuse me.”
He turns around.
He doesn’t smile,
His round face covered in red blemishes.
Eyes blank and non-judgmental.
“Hey, you seem like you know what you’re doing.
You see, I’m new and I don’t know anybody here yet.
I’ve been looking for someone to study with.
Would you maybe like to study together sometime?”
He nods.
Oh my gosh.
Oh. My. GOSH.
I’m doing it.
“I… My name is Kate.”
He stares.
“What’s yours?”
I’m becoming dizzy again.
The lights in the hallway get brighter and brighter
With each step we take.
“Han.”
Or at least that’s what I think he said.
Between my own racing thoughts and
Fretting over my sweating
I couldn’t concentrate enough to hear him clearly.
He’s so quiet.
“It’s a… Pleased to meet you.”
He waves me off as he turns abruptly down
the next hallway on the left
with no warning or goodbye at all.
Did he seriously just do that?
At first I thought it rude of him to just walk off.
But then I realized it was probably my fault somehow.
He sensed that I was scared.
But what could possibly me more frightening
Than saying hello and asking someone’s name?
This was definitely a bad idea.

it's blue, now* someone murmured
our hands woven carelessly together
as light slipped through the blinds
was it your hand?
I am unsure
the window is framed by fire-
fire, so true and pure
just like us
a pile of bodies clutching at one another
the pleasures of skin against skin
a touch is a touch
and *** does not matter, not when
lips are so painfully soft
this union
not working towards darkness, instead,
digging in our heels against dawn
we held off the best we could
*it's blue, now