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Mikaila Apr 2015
A choir of wolves
Dwells within my heart.
Can you hear them sing?
They're singing
To you.
Whatever your thoughts on the matter
Whatever your hesitations and limitations
Something in me is for you
And I know you know it
And I know you need it
And I hope
You listen
Because I don't care what you give me or don't, but...
This? This song?
This is yours.
Please take it.
Listen.
Listen, and grow.
Mikaila Apr 2015
Perhaps it was this feeling that originally drove humanity to create gods.
Perhaps we have always burned with a desire to love
So terrifying and so powerful that to bestow it onĀ another living creature became...
The first sin.
Perhaps we needed a safe, indestructible being to worship,
To croon to in the night,
Whose face we could never touch but could yearn to unabashedly,
Whose hands we could never kiss but perhaps pretend they cradled us,
Whose love we could never lose because it was in fact our own reflected back.
It is a lonely love. It is a love that...
Maybe I can understand how wars were fought,
Maybe I can understand the FEAR,
The longing all wrapped up in belief, that could create such loyalty, such blindness, and such cruelty.
There is a need in us that can only be satisfied by gods,
Because on earth, in truth, it cannot be satisfied at all, and we are too maddened and too terrified by that knowledge to face it.
Better to love somebody who cannot be touched,
Who cannot be heard,
Who cannot die, or leave, or change, or fail.
(Who cannot live, or arrive, or stay, or succeed)
Somebody who cannot love back.
Whose proof we will never demand because it cannot be given, and we know it.
We choose to love something that we will never see,
Not because it fills us up
Not because it makes us complete
But because you can't lose something you don't have.
(Yes the title is a Tolkein quote)
Mikaila Apr 2015
If this be heaven, I wonder what I did.

If this be hell...

I wonder what I did.
Mikaila Apr 2015
Whoever it is that you may love or wish for,
I give him my eyes.
May he look at you and see what I see,
And be unable to look elsewhere.
I give him my heart, and my gentle fingers.
I give him my words
Born of passion and of reverence
That he may sing them soft and low
And you
Hear the timbre you prefer.
*title is a reference to Cyrano de Bergerac.
Mikaila Apr 2015
I have been silent.
I have been silent not for loss
Or mourning
For those drag words from me
With or without my consent.
I have been silent because I am trying to be
Gentle
In love
When I am a thunderstorm made flesh,
A hurricane,
A seismic wave of passion and pain.
Inside
I burn
And it has been a long time
Since I have loved so deeply
As to press my sizzling hands to my own stomach
Just to keep another person from burning their fingers on the love I hold beneath my skin.
I have been silent
But I have not been extinguished-
Far from it, I have risen.
I have gone blue and white with heat.
I have wandered through the blackened trees in the ghostly calm of the night
And kindled them to flames with my palms.
I have left embers
Shifting and sighing in my footprints
And the earth has learned a new name to score into its stone and treebark when I travel through the darkness
Searching for a rest I will not find.
And there is joy in this,
There is such joy!
Although the heat presses,
Although the light licks at my ankles when I wade too far into my own heart's dreams.
I leave joy in these silent places, black and velvety and slumbering in the night-
I wake them
I wake them because I have been woken
And my heart has become something that melts
Something that burns
Something that hungers and consumes
And glows with shimmering reds and golds no matter how tightly I curl around it and hush its hissing whispers.
I leave joy because I can't contain it
And it reaches roots into the ground with every step I take-
A fearful joy,
A joy that knows its hunger
Will be its starvation.
A joy that breathes light and grasps at shadows
Because that is all it knows how to do.
A joy that turns its face up to the rain
To feel a moment's peace and cooling clarity.

Oh, I may have been silent
But I have not been quiet.
Mikaila Apr 2015
I could stand at the top of the world
Looking down across the lights spread out like twinkling spiderwebs on the ground
Little galaxies full of life,
I could stand in the dark and see them all
And it would still be your light I craved.
It would be your gravity that pulled me.
Of every light like a glittering jewel on the backs of these black velvet waves
It would be you. Just you.
I search without knowing why
Without knowing how.
I search even when I know
You are not there.
I search until I find you, however long it ever takes
And when I do I can't stop looking at your face
As if to glance away would be to lose you all over again,
When really you are just like all the others, wheeling in this sea of nighttime shadows and starlight-
When really you have no notion to be treasured or missed
Or longed for.
And yet I can't help it, I can't stop it-
I look for you.
I look to you.
Just you.
Mikaila Mar 2015
Sometimes I miss you.
The way you would try not to kiss me and fail,
Spectacularly.
Hold me like I was necessary.
Like you were starving and what you were starving for was my soul.
I loved how hard your hands were, pulling me closer,
How unafraid you were to want me once you finally admitted you did.
I really miss that, I really do.
But I think you were horrible for me.
And now that I have proof that you touched me,
I can find the strength to search for someone whose love
Won't bruise.
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