Mikaila

Mikaila Jul 2014

Roses are grey.
Violets are grey.
I'm a dog.

Mikaila Jul 2014

I am
So tired.
I am cold
And white
And blind.
On my wrists,
Defensive wounds
From a vicious love,
From the kisses
Of a black asp
With constellation eyes.

I have been reliving my death.
I have been choosing
That sweet, frigid venom,
An addict dripping poison into my veins.

But I am
So tired.
I am spent
And lost
And alone.
There are bruises on the soft insides of my arms
From a habit of worshiping
Sharp things.
Under my fingernails,
Dark soil
Evidence of a grave I've overcome
Too many times
And a struggle I've won
At a cost.

I am sick of death.
Sick of attending funerals for the futures I lose
Brutally and unexpectedly.
I am sick of being tolerated.
I am sick of being
Sorry.
I want to feel life in me.
I want to learn the taste of sunlight
And safety.
Of forgiveness--
I hear
It is sweet as warm honey.
(I wouldn't
Know)

I have gazed....
Oh, I have gazed long,
And the void saw me
As I saw it.
And long after I wished I could look elsewhere
I stood, gorgonized, on the edge.

Hold my hand.
Remind me that I have hands.
Spread light
In me.
Forgive me for my gravity as I lean forward on that hollow breeze that's always calling.
Pull me back and keep me
Steady.

I will never be
On solid ground.
I will never be easy.
I will never be
Safe.
I am half light and half shadow,
Half joy and half pain,
Half kindness and half anger.
I am a great, twisted tree,
With my branches in heaven
And my roots
In hell.
Love that in me,
Will you?
Will somebody?
I am ready
To bloom.
I am ready
To live.
I am ready to be exactly
What I am.

Mikaila Jul 2014

God's Feet

I wish your hands had left a mark.
I wish your lips had.
I wish I could walk through life
Patterned with the evidence that you
Touched me.
I wish everyone could see-
I wish I could-
The exact parts of my skin that you changed,
That you own,
That you blessed.

#love

Mikaila Jul 2014

You

You have left the girl I love
Like a shade that has given up
Possession.
You
The you I write poetry to.
The you I cry for and treasure.
The you
I search for.
You, the you I miss.
I am beginning to realize
That you may not stay with one person.
That maybe you will live with me for a while
Behind the face of a girl I adore madly
And then at any moment
She may become scared of you
And cast you out
Evict you-
And by extension, me.
And then I must search once again for where you've gone
Who you've found a home with now.
I love just one person.
I love you.
But you
Keep moving.
You keep being forced away from me.
I've felt your love and it
Was all I ever needed.
And then you were torn away again
And I was alone
With the girl whose eyes used to hold your soul.
I was alone with her
And it is worse than death to understand that the person you love
Lives on
But has suddenly become something so new and different
So distant
That the only thing you recognize is her face.
It is confusing,
Terrifying,
Torturous,
Maddening.
You
You
You
Where are you?
Whose eyes have you found a new shelter behind?
Let me find you and love you before the cowardly humanity in her rejects you and leaves you homeless once more.
You and I
Are a tragic love story
Always almost there.
And I am sorry I spend so much time
Searching for you in people you've already left.
I see that face
Those eyes
I hear that voice and feel that soft skin
And I just can't believe you are gone from her
And I try and try,
The fool,
But.... she looks
So much like you still.
God,
I miss you. I miss you like I'd miss a rib or one of my lungs.
I try to find you in the places you once were
Any evidence
Any little thing
Because I am afraid to begin anew
Looking for you in this cold
Brutal
Enormous world.
I am angry at her for rejecting you
Like a bad transplant,
For killing the girl I love
By changing.
And I am angry at you
For not fighting harder.
Where are you?
Who
Are you now?
You
You
You
The only person I have ever loved.
A shadow that disappears when you look directly at it,
A firefly leading me through a deadly dark world,
A dream I wake from far too often
Lonely and bereft.
You.
Are gone again.
And I am too fragile to go searching without a light just yet
Checking every face for your spark
Peering into the abyss
That I know is mapping every inch and byway of my mind with cold eyes
Just because I feel that somewhere in the dark
You are waiting.
I am too fragile
And yet I can't stop
Can't give up
Can't rest:
I need you more than blood
More than lungs
I need you more than my precious sanity
That I trade by the sigh
More than time
That I sell by the grain
(It sure
Adds up.)
I don't want to be old
Before I know what your real face looks like
Before I look into your true eyes
And finally feel safe and whole.
You're looking for me
I can feel it.
And I am calling to you
You
You
You
My love
My universe.

*Who are you
This time?

Mikaila Jul 2014

Dear Alex,

Don't waste a second.
Look at her face
Memorize it.
Touch every inch of her
As if she is the most beautiful
Perfect thing ever to grace your presence.
Laugh with her
But always make sure you watch her laugh
So that you can save up those sunny memories
For the rainy days of your life.
Buy her things.
Give her anything and everything she wants
Things she would never ask for
That you know would make her smile
Give her everything you can
Every single day.
Hold her when she's sad.
Wipe her tears away.
Forgive her when she is cruel-
Life has been unkind to her.
Understand when she is petty.
She does not trust easily.
Don't waste a second.
If you fight
And you will fight
Because if you do all of this for her
She will be afraid to love you without hating you
If you fight
Let her win.
Nothing is more important than her kiss
Her arms
Her smile.
No pride is worth losing that.
No argument is worth knowing that someone else will be the cause of her laughter
Because she has turned away from you.
When you sleep next to her,
Put your arm around her.
When you wake up
Look at her for a moment in the morning light
Because it catches the gold in her skin and makes her glow
Like she is dawn itself
And it shadows the little space just under her lips
Making her look young and peaceful.
Don't forget that look.
Don't forget how lovely she is,
How alive,
How inspiring.
Don't let your time with her
Dull your wonder for her.
You
Have something so incredible.
Do
Not
Waste
A
Second.
And if someday she leaves you
And you are hurt
Forgive her.
Treasure her.
Treasure the time you got.
Comfort yourself with the fact that you DID these things,
That you gave of yourself
So utterly and so purely
That a part of you will always be with her.
Love like that
Never really leaves.
If she leaves you,
Try to let her leave.
You won't want to.
You will feel like someone is ripping your heart out
With the veins still attached and stretching.
You will want to hate her
And you will be sick with wishing you didn't.
But if she leaves you,
Try to love her anyway.
She is...
She's like the sun.
You will
Get burned.
There is no way around it.
But without the sun
No life exists.
No beauty.
No warmth.
No pleasure.
No growth.
No us.
She is brutal
And she is beautiful
And she is
The most incredible thing
You will ever touch
So touch her
Touch her as often and as gently as you can.
Make her feel loved.
Let her feel free.
Do whatever it is that you can do
That I can't.
You will never read this
But I hope you hear it somehow.
This
Is your chance.
This is your chance to love the woman of your life.
The person who will change everything.
The girl the universe revolves around.
This is your moment to give her
Whatever you can
And hope it is
Enough.
Don't
Waste it.

-Me.

#love #sadness #loss #bittersweet #advice

Mikaila Jul 2014

Hands

I have a scar on the bottom of my left thumb.
I got it
The day after you broke my heart the second time.
I was trying to open something with a knife
And it slipped.
It went straight in
Point first
Right at the joint between my thumb and the pad of my hand
That fleshy spot that is always stretching and wrinkling.
I was shocked at first- it went in deep
Almost two inches.
I suppose, maybe, I should have gotten stitches.
But what I did instead was pull the point out
pop
It made a small sound
Like I was unstopping a tiny bottle of wine.
In fact the hole in my hand
Remained clean and white and surprised
For a moment
Startled, I think, by its own existence.
And then it caught up to itself all at once
And bubbled up thick red blood
Faster than I expected it to.
Beads of it slid down my fingers.
Soon my hand was slick with it
Shaking
And I was still fascinated, transfixed,
Slow.
When the first drop hit the carpet
I figured I should go into the bathroom and let the tiles take the stains.
On the way there the world tilted a little
Since now I held in my cupped hand a small pool of red.
I resented my body's need for its own blood.
Its fragility.
It is so needy and so frail
And I have no patience for it.
On my knees on the smooth cold white floor
And then with my cheek pressed against it
To calm the fever of "shock"
I hated that my shell could steal my will.
I stood again in a moment
Having left a smudge on the floor
And my hand dripped
pat pat pat
Onto the tiles.
The smoothness of my own blood surprised me-
Its tendency to slip away and stand in pools.
Again I looked for a moment
And then ran my hand beneath the faucet
And marveled at the way the water was instantly crimson.
It kept running and running down the drain
And after a while I realized that it was unlikely to stop.
Lifting my now white hand
I peered at it
And there was the hole in it-
A perfect slit, deep and clean and filling up with dark sticky red fluid.
It overflowed again and I did my best to wrap it in bandages.
The bathroom looked like a ****** scene.
Who knew my hands
Held so much?
Who knew we were so easily punctured and drained?
It took a long time to heal.
I kept ripping it open by accident over and over
Because of its prime location in the crease of my hand.
It was weeks, really, before it actually did close.
And weeks more
Before it finally became less of an angry red
And more of a thick, shiny pinkish white.
It is raised.
It still hurts sometimes, even though it has been months healed.
I rather like it.
I like the gory proof of what I went through when you walked away.
It's just a small reminder,
A little white ridge and a tightness on my skin
But
Well
They say you don't know anything
Quite so well as the look of your own hands
And
I think it is appropriate that the landscape of mine
Was forever changed
When you left.

#love #metaphor #pain #loss #blood #scar #fascination

Mikaila Jun 2014

"I've Lost Some Time, And I Need To Know How Much. I Need To Know." Then I Started Crying. I Didn't Want To, But I Couldn't Help It.

when i am asked my age
i call myself 18 without thinking
as if 19 never even happened to me,
because when it came
you had gone
and for a period of two months or so
in the spring of 2014
i did not exist
to become older.

Title is a quote from p. 109 of Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen.

#sadness #loss #time #age #literature #quote #birthday #reference #girl-interrupted