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I'm not afraid of heights,
Not deep water, or love
I'm just afraid of falling
To the ground from up above
I'm afraid of sinking downwards
Through the depths of the sea
Or loving with my whole heart
If he doesn't love me
I'll never regret the pain of you leaving.
That deep chasm shift.

This lonely love affair with the midnight moon could Never have been.

What a pity that would be.
There is an algorithm out there,
somewhere on the web
it is calculating my every click
my likes, my comments
how many hours I spend at night
browsing poetry
or probably ****.

There is an algorithm out there,
somewhere on the web
it collects my style, my taste
it knows my favorite color,
it has studied my face
the way no lover ever has,
down to the freckle.

There is an algorithm out there,
somewhere on the web
it knows things about me
my friends or family would never ask.
It knows how many times
I have searched the word 'suicide'
how many times I asked for nudes
and how many times I received.
It knows my greatest fears
but also my most coveted dreams.
It knows things about me
I may have forgotten about me.

There is an algorithm out there,
somewhere on the web
it has created an image of me
I would rather not see
nor believe in its legitimacy
yet every time I go to type
its guesses my next thought
with pinpoint accuracy.

There is an algorithm out there...
If I could list off your flaws
I'd put my name at the top.
Not your acne, that doesn't bother me.
Not your shaggy hair, three days *****.

If I could pile up your shortcomings
I'd seat myself upon a throne.
Not your blissfully ignorant youth.
Not your wistfully exaggerated woes.

If I could collect all the darkness
I've ever witnessed in your acts
I'd keep it closest to my heart
Where my shadow holds onto addiction.

Despite our differences, my sweet sinner
That which makes you ugly, makes you human,
And if I am to ever love your ruin.
I'll learn to love my hate for blisters.
If you could just recognize
That I still exist,
Then I could make it through the day
I little less of a mess.
I won't let you destroy me
With perpetual distance
I'm a magician, in me
There's hidden genius.
It saddens me to believe
That the most beautiful thing
To come of our meeting
Are the words I sing.
Fallen from heaven
Still my dream remains.
To step upon my alter,
Forever The Fool
With you beside me, a Queen.
Idolizing drugs as if it's what sustains you
While I'm worshipping love contained in a statue.
I painted your face upon the cracked stone,
Hoping your grace could make me whole,
Again, my goddess crumbles at my feet.
Stolen from me by the shadows deceit.
Hollow was the ground upon which we built,
Our home was a grave held up by rotting stilts,
Twas only a matter of time before collapse,
Foretold by the stars, prophecies own map...
Still, I fought for you, to rip off the mask
Your grasp on my heart faltered,
We weren't meant to last.
To let you go, meant to shatter like glass
So here I am, scattered shards, lost in the sand.
The pieces cut my hands, I don't remember who I am.
Blood smears the reflections. I don't understand,
The message was clear before fears lead you astray
Now Death has come, a headstone is all that remains.
Sometimes, surrounded by daily struggle
With no time to deep breath the air
Following some made up order
I stop myself and ask:

Am I lost in this madness?

Using all my forces to make things right
Running for something and still feeling
like: " I m waiting all my life!"
I m waiting to stop the imposed chaos
And make the chaos of living life.

Sometimes, surrounded by daily struggle
I feel my chest is ripping apart.
You know, the madness in my head
The trembling of my body,
I m just stuck in it
And it wont let me even scream.

Sometimes,
I wish I could just jump out of me
To release these chains from my heart
All those attachments
All those “ I think I need to do things.“

All those fake smiles and faces.
False concerns and supports
Running in the infinity of illusion
With no true goal and purpose.

So, sometimes,
I just let my madness rip me off
To let me cold, exposed and naked
To let me see my self inside
And make me reborn in a new day
With new strength, for new fights.
Mirror, mirror on the wall,
Why do I bother to look at all?
I already know what I will see
And it's not what I want to be.
Who do I want to be?
I am not sure I know anymore
I can still remember the day
I made you read
The poetry that I wrote
And you said it was sweet

I can still remember the day
I said that you were so enigmatic
But I felt alleviated when
You said I was beautiful,
So does my poetry.

I can still remember the day
That you said I was platonic,
It was the same day
I've distance myself from you
It was the same day
I felt alone
It was the same day
When I left you
Just because you said,
I showed no romance.

I will remember this day
Where I write this poetry
As I ask myself,
Is this no romance?
(j.a.t.m)
Sadness thru poetry
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