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 May 12 Renee C
Nolan Bucsis
The words don't form in my head like they used to.

There's nothing lucid anymore.
Nothing eloquent.

Just half aborted thoughts.
Too ugly to be born.
A constant stream of non sequiturs.

Frustration.
Intermingled with the constant state of depression.
A sad sorry excuse for a human being.
Little old misanthropic me.


Resigned to obfuscated imagery.
To broken thoughts.
To feeble ideas.
To the self loathing negative confirmation bias.
To the absolute state of my mind.
 May 12 Renee C
Nolan Bucsis
I wake up
Like
I go to sleep.
Scraping musty cigarette ash
Off my vocal chords.
A coal mine in my black lungs.

An ever present aftertaste
Of mould
Infects me, and I smell

****.

But that's just anxiety.
A schizophrenic smell.
Disassociated in my forgetfulness
I think, I remember
Rarely ******* in the sink.
But, I'm not paying attention,
Caught up in somehwere else.

Violently throwing up a cough
I purge the phlegm.
From out of my lungs-
And.
It's been really thick lately.
Oozing out my viscous soul.
Vomiting tar.
And smearing it all over myself.

With these dark tobacco stains
Pulsating formaldehyde through my veins.

And I'm
Baffled.
By my health.

It's good.

Just a little cancerous grime
Entrenched in my crevices.
A squirrel eating a star in the mouth of god
What right have I to be this happy now?
Lying long beneath this world
With all its stones and trees and wind and sky
To speak to friends and know that they, that I,
Still live despite the odds

Of nothingness and no love found
No tiny echoes of a liking that just grew
To be a life of one and all and things and stairs
(And maybe gardens too)
And the intricacies we carry with us through the world.

Till it is done, and we are gone and we can say for what it's worth for what it's worth, we're gone.
The very slowness and impatience of a cloudy nothing day is part and parcel of the wonder of it all.

Petrified of wider deeper words, we plod.
I like to ask the questions in my lines:
Open up a vein eternal to explore
That may prove lucrative
In words and looks and feelings.  Maybe more.

The look that touches and bewilders and restrains
But then gives in to open up a door.

And maybe more.
my face in the ground
and a collar across my neck
i tried to stand up, little by little
but i fell on my knees again

from crying on the thought of you
to struggling for breathe over and over
my face buried in the cold sand
i can't recall your dreamy face

it still happens now and then
but i tell my heart to stop crying
and mind to hatch some plans
you were never mine in the first place

even while writing,
my body cold and pale
my tragedy is i can't recall your face
but my idea of you will never fade
This poem is part of my Campus Confessions poetry series.
 May 10 Renee C
J D
For Jackson
 May 10 Renee C
J D
When I think of him, I smell chlorine.

Looking at her,
knowing he is hiding in his sacred space,
my mind builds other worlds to keep me in.

None of this is real,
it tells me.

I'm looking in from the outside.

The truth is,
the child I was,
the one that waded in cold creeks on hot mountains—
that's who's here.

He says it's not possible,
I'm just waiting for dinner.

Standing on the tracks,
the still air—heavy and uncomfortable—
interrupted by the gust of what's ahead.

Nothing will stop it.
Nothing can stop it.

And then—
I hear his cry.
I don't write poetry, just felt compelled to try it sitting in the hospital waiting for my first born.
 May 10 Renee C
Steve Page
Swig the morning dew
Join song amongst the blackbirds
This is vintage spring
 May 10 Renee C
rick
“I look at you,” he told me, “and I think to myself; now here’s a guy whose got it all: he’s over fed, has a nice watch on his wrist and his shoes, although not my style, are brand new. The only thing he doesn’t have are troubles and worries.”

“bartender,” I shouted, “I’ll take one more and the tab.”

“hey man what about me,” he asked, “mind topping me off?”

“and another one for the poor sap next to me.”

“you see what I mean,” he continued. “you can afford to buy drinks for yourself and for others. as for myself, they forced me into a war I didn’t support and I also got my *** shot off for a cause unknown. I was stripped of my emotions, gutted from my life, they sodomized my psyche, carved the dream out of my head and I was never given a chance at having children or a future. and all this happened before I ever held a beer or tasted a cigarette or had a woman in my bed.”

I didn’t bother responding
in hopes that he’d get the hint
but as expected, he was as
clueless as my ex-wife
and as he carried on
with relentless persistency
each word dug in like a cat scratch
and all I could do was clench my glass tighter and tighter to contain myself.

“I’ve been spit on, kicked out, beat up and let down,” he further continued. “the streets are hard and unkind and everywhere you go you’re unwanted and everything is locked. why do you think I pour into these bars late at night? to drink? naw man, I just need a place to go, a roof over my head you know?”

that was it.
I had enough.

I finished my drink,
got off the stool
and headed toward the exit.

“hey buddy,” he shouted, “can I get another one for the road?”

“no.”

“just one more?”

“NO!” I screamed.

“c’mon man, you’ve got everything and I’ve got nothing. what makes you better than anyone else?”

“now look here you bumbling idiot…”

“but…but…but…” he interrupted.

“I’ve heard your tales of woe and now you’re going to listen to me,” I said sternly. “I look overfed because of poor diet and lack of exercise caused by working 60-80 hours a week with no time to take care of myself. I have a nice watch and new shoes but it came with a price. I’ve traded in my freedom for comfort, my time for materials and any chance of love for success. you say I have everything and you have nothing? I say you’re wrong. you’ve got something I no longer possess and that my friend is soul. don’t lose that. don’t buy into the mold. don’t conform. don’t become like everyone else. most of the people you see in here have imprisoned themselves into their own personal hell. that’s the way society wants it. but you’re free. truly free. and another thing… don’t worry about sorrow. everyone’s got problems and nobody wants to hear about it. why do you think people are in here? for the enjoyment? no, there here to forget. just. like. you.”

“******* *******! I don’t need a lecture from you or your cheap advice. all I need is a ******* drink!”

…and with that,
I walked out into the
dark and empty streets
where they greeted me
with their silence.
Happened a long time ago, in a bar, somewhere down in New Orleans.
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