Sometimes
I wish I was a leaf
so I could always feel
the rain
the sun
and
when I felt like it
I could break free
and play in the wind

Sometimes
I wish I was a flower
so I could always see the stars
and get kisses from butterflies

Sometimes
I wish I was a bird
so I could sing all day
so I could soar high in the sky
so I could finally touch a bit of cloud fluff
and then
when I felt like it
I could fly somewhere new

Sometimes
I wish
I was anything
but me

I once found a bird when I was younger

the bird was small and weak and abandoned by its other birds

I took it home, I did all I could

soon the bird died

why, bird, why

why die?

you could have lived
you could have flied

I told my mother

my bird is dead

it will never fly


mother still wonders why I have never touched living things again.

I remember the first time you told me that you stopped drinking.
My heart took flight and the idea of having a sober father became the root of my happiness.
You got drunk that night.

I remember the first time you let me down.
I stood alone among my peers because you had better things to do.
You got drunk that night.

I remember the first time I slit my porcelain skin open for you.
As blood trickled from my veins I begged you to come and rescue me from the demons in my mind.
You got drunk that night.

I remember the first time I tried to put an end to all the madness that engulfed my life.
I grabbed your gun from the safe and shot a bullet through my head.
I will never know if you got drunk that night.
You probably did.

There's something I need to get off my chest, Liz. Something I've been keeping from you for years. I was cleaning out my closet the other day, and I realized something. The painful thing about phone calls is that every sleepy groan could have been heard clearly if I were with him, and every word he spoke only to me could have been whispered into my collarbone. But what really infuriates me... is that the first person who got to love him didn't stay. Love is staying.

You have no idea how long I've stayed.

"What I'm trying to say is..."

"Yeah?"

"I'm in love with..."

Me?

"Her."

"Oh."

You see, the honest truth is that you're perfect for each other and that I wanted this to happen. When I watch how he lightly touches the small of your back as if he's afraid you'll shatter if he holds you too hard, and how your fingers comb his past out of his hair when you run them through gently, I wonder if your hearts are actually one but were separated at birth. I don't know, I might be lying, but I don't think I am. I don't think I am. All I know is that he was always yours and never mine---I don't know why I hold on, because you're everything he needs. But somehow, so am I.

Loving him and watching him love you has gotten me nowhere except everywhere I never wanted to be. I don't hate you for this. Really. All I ever wanted was for both of you to know what it feels like to have wings on your ankles and morning songs on your earlobes, because that's how I feel when he asks me to help him make playlists for you. I just imagine he's making them for me.

So instead of poisoning myself with hate, I'll teach you how to love him better. I need you to love him better.

Sing him to sleep and sing him awake. There is nothing he wants more than to rise and drift off knowing that he'll be safe in the voice of someone he loves. Sing him songs about mountains. He'll love that.

Bike to the riverside with him and bring nothing with you but a hand-stitched quilt a pen. Find a spot where the wind never stops dancing. Write stories on the leaves and the trees so that he'll know that he has a place to call home after you. You can name that spot if you want, but I know he'll name it after your favorite flower.

When he cries and his past comes creeping in, clutching his throat and burning his chest, don't say anything. Just hold him. Hold him and hold him. Wait until he's stopped shaking then, with your nose buried in his hair, whisper, "I still love you."

Maybe I should write all of this down, seal it in a mint green envelope, and mail it to myself. Then I'll read it out loud and will probably be crying my heart out but at least I'll be stronger.

But don't worry, I won't say anything to him, because I care about you, too. So I'll stay still. Even though I'd like to take a bus to his house right now and leave a post card under his front door with a poem saying that I've loved him a long time. Longer than I should have. But I won't.

Because I know that he doesn't have the strength to catch me.