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Mel Little Aug 2020
I wonder if you remember some of the things I do...
The way your name tumbled out of my mouth as I took careful instruction
on just where to touch...
Or the hours we spent talking about nothing.
Or the way I used to be...
Or if I am just the me I am now,
still lost but still bold and unafraid,
with different scars and deeper forehead wrinkles.
Aging is irrelevant in this part of my head, you're still just as much welcome to this body as you were before.
But I don't need instructions on how to make myself scream your name anymore, I can do that all on my own...

Though help is always appreciated.
Mel Little Aug 2020
Can I just
                 S
                    t
                      u
                 ­       m
                           b
                             l
                               e
                   into your arms again and again?
Mel Little Aug 2020
Whoever said "to have loved and lost..."
was full of ****.
I would have rather never felt this way.
I would have been so much
closer to a bird than
a tree with
roots,
dug down deep in the ground, unrelenting
hold that will just not give up, let up.
Clipped wings on a songbird,
yearning to fly again
but grounded
by life.
Mel Little Aug 2020
Hear me out,
5 years will pass quickly and slowly.
A jumble of seconds, slow and steady to create another 525,600 minutes to close out this last chapter.

Growth comes and goes in waves, realization its steady companion. We are still so ******* young.

Perhaps Peter Pan had it right. I do not want to be grown yet, stuck between birth and death; I watch time tumble treacherously through my fingers like quicksand, no where to go but down.

Yet I can pick you up like a favorite book. I've seen all the creases and fades and lines and letters before, but it's been 5 long years and there's something exciting about you still.

If this steady crawl to the end is it for all of us, perhaps I'll meet you in the next life. Maybe next time, we can get it right.
Mel Little Jun 2020
***** spews like words, oh wait, the other way...

Like that time at my best friend's wedding when I had to give a speech,
and even I knew I was full of **** talking about love being a fairy tale. But I was so drunk on Jello shots and Crown that I talked myself into believing it for four years.

Like that time I said too much to make a boy stay just one more night, and I gave up my freedom for silence and dishes and diapers.

Like the first boy I ever loved falling back into my lap and my mouth moving faster than my head can keep up with... is this even a good idea?

Words flow freely in open silences because I cannot stand the sound of nothing around me when the noise inside of me is so loud; all this has done is get me into trouble.
Mel Little Jun 2020
Laid up on the couch with one leg casually tossed over yours,
the room still vaguely spinning with one eye open.
Maybe downing 4 beers in an hour wasn't such a good idea, but my anxiety got the better of me, and I didn't know what else to do while everyone else stared at their phones and I stared at you, memorizing the planes of your face so I won't forget them again.
My head is pounding and I doze, YouTube in the background. It has to be late, or early.
The fan blows against my skin and I peek to see if you are still there. Yup. Okay. Breathe, Mel, breathe.
The nauseating feeling of being left again roils my stomach. Or maybe that's the beer again.
It has to be early, or late. But this moment will burn in my memory for days as I psychoanalyze everything I've done wrong that could make you want to run.
Is it early or late?
I wake up and you're not there, but when I stumble to the bathroom you're laying in your bed and I would join you but the room is still spinning and I need to just lay back down.
Mel Little Jun 2020
"I have to go home now."

Home is an empty apartment with too many empty soda boxes stacked in one corner waiting to be ripped up.
Home is kid's toys littering my hallway, try not to step on that Hot Wheel I keep forgetting to pick up.
Home is every other week of coloring and kids shows on tv and patiently teaching my son how to tie his shoes.

Home is not how it used to be.

There is no screaming in my home now. No wondering if I am good enough. No empty promises of, "this will make our marriage work," when all the counseling in the world couldn't help.

Home is learning to be alone with myself for the first time in four years. Home is quiet with no tv to listen to in the background while my son sleeps at his fathers and my whole life is different than it was six months ago.

Home is strength in leaving. Home is where I will heal. Home isn't four walls, but the cavern inside myself I've filled with lies that need to be dug out of the pits of time and cleared with sage and home... just simply isn't what it used to be.

But I will rebuild.
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