i was a light I couldn’t turn off.
a signal i wasn’t able to ease.
i was a gun devoid of silencer.
i was constant sound, ready to burst your ears.
i was a broken windup toy, a doll marching on, disconnected, loose arm,
hair reduced to a blackberry bush, a sequence of shadows. of shadows.

We celebrated each other’s funerals
Condemned every ritual of our shadows
Six feet under our beating hearts.
A few days later I saw you
Making preparations for a birthday
You were not that dead after all.

So you keep excusing yourself
For being absent-minded and forgetting
Me at the back of your shadows.
Just because I’m dead it doesn't mean I
Do not starve anymore, you know?
My hunger feeds on your clumsy ways of
Unstitching me.

I won’t eat your food.
I’ll tell you that I’m not hungry
I’ll eat mine when you can’t see me.
I’ll look happy, all the time.
You’ll wonder what happened to me
How can I be so **** cheery
And funny.
I’ll be so much fun.
When you ask me if I’m ok
I will give you my brightest eyes
And tell you that I’m fine.
You’ll wonder how
My messed up life
Has suddenly turned perfect.
I’ll be your best listener.
I’ll smile and nod when you share your thoughts
You’ll wonder what you did to deserve
Such a good friend
I will read it in your eyes.
I’ll be sweet.
I’ll be adorable.
I’ll pour large spoons of honey on you.
I’ll always do what you ask me to do.
I’ll cast my light on your path
I’ll share my wisdom
I’ll give you small treats
I’ll treasure you
I’ll be warm.
If you offer me something
I’ll gently refuse it.
If you offer to help me
I’ll say I’m doing fine.
I won’t spend much time in the house
You’ll assume I've become more sociable.
You won’t question any of this.
You’ll fully enjoy it.
And this is what I want.
Because you have stabbed me
While I was looking away
You have drowned me in the bath tub
Quietly chopped my body
To make it fit the trash bag
And you expect me to be just fine.

(There is no leak in your floor
You see, I've chosen not to destroy you
So I sewed my pieces back together
Hid the stitches under black fabric
But I could do nothing about the water:
I keep sinking on the inside
And it shows)

I was not too surprised.
In fact, I had just been extracted from my princess’ womb
When she decided to move into her beautiful mind
Leaving me screaming, bleeding and naked
To the arms of a boy who hadn’t learned yet
The proper way to choose me.

The day you decided to be turned into my ghosts
I had realized for a long time that trust was my unicorn
So I knew exactly what to do to survive you
While inhabiting the same walls:
You were immaterial and you wouldn’t even notice.

I desperately needed to be held to your chest.
But you were washing dishes, cleaning your duties
So you allowed me to only hold onto your shin.
I still recall the feel of your stockings
Against my cheek, your apron
Brushing against my hair, I still
Wear the scar, caress the damage
Look at the hole you dug into my voice.

The day you decided to turn me into a ghost
I was three and quite busy in the process
Of teaching myself the difference
Between love and winter.

I wasn’t ready.
In fact, I hadn’t even completely turned myself
Into a proper child.
All my dolls were lined up on top of the closet,
An army of silent virgins
Never willing to answer any of my questions.
My skin was brand new, my ears already broken
My eyes had been consumed by the sight
Of my princess in the bathroom
Quietly sobbing in front of the mirror.

The day you decided it was time to grow up
I was five and quite busy in the process
Of teaching myself how
To put my fingers to the corners
Of my mother’s mouth
To make her smile.