I tried to fit the pieces together
As though love was a ******* puzzle
I begged you to stay
I had figured out the puzzle
The only problem is
Love is not a stupid game
There are no pieces to match together
I had thought too hard
I had loved too much
Was it really even love

Well
****
It must have been
Because it's been over a year
And I'm still not
Entirely
Over
You

I don't know when
I started to feel more
Than just wanting to be felt
But I knew it was something special
On friday night
When we were in the car
And you reached out
To hold my hand
I'm feeling something
Different now
Something I've never
Felt before
And it's confusing
But I don't mind
Because I'm happier now
Than I have been
In a long time

You're a gentle rain
I'm the pavement
That you so delicately kiss
Your lips will spread
Your teeth will bite
In the most heavenly way
There is some kind of movement
Between us
A movement I've never felt
It's different now
I don't love her and
I'm trying to let you in
You are the fire
To my cold winter night
You don't know how much
I've longed for your smooth touch

It's been exactly one week
Since we said our goodbyes
I blocked you out of my life

I stopped myself the other day
As I realized
I was beginning to tell a story about you

During the past week
I've walked through the fires of hell
I sat high upon the clouds
I fell down a rabbit hole

I woke up

It's been a few days
Since I've felt the urge to talk to you
I'm trying to erase you
But you live within my skin

I can see you creeping back inside me
                                          
                                         You have to stay away
                                                                                    I know I'm not strong enough
To fight you off again
                                                              You've made me fragile

I used to be a beautiful frame
                                                        
                                                           But you clawed through my glass

                                I am no longer a pretty picture

I am shards of what used to capture

                                                                             A beautiful scene

Early morning
I awoke from my deep sleep
I tumbled out of bed
And tripped over my sheets
I manage to make it to the living room
Mother is asleep on the chair
Father is in bed
They had another fight last night
They said this is the end
I don't know why their words
Did not shake nor rattle my mind
They've said it all before
Way too many times
I look throughout the house
I'm trying to find something nice
But I realize that I'm always alone
And this will always be my life

It's coming back
And I don't know if I can stay away this time
It's addicting
I get high off the pain
I'm giving in
To the blackness
That once ruled my whole life

I was at a ****** place
When I was 89 pounds
I was a cloud
Floating above the ground

I was at a even worse place
At 95 pounds
I could feel the weight of the world
Pushing me down

Now,
My breath can hardly mutter a laugh
I am a rock falling to the ground
But I am not strong
At nearly 110 pounds
I am the saddest I have ever been

i'm sorry that i cannot get you out of my head and i know it's been two years but you still haunt my dreams and i'm scared that you're completely forgetting that we ever happened and it really ***** that you gave me so much to remember and i gave you so much to forget

The sun
Doesn't shine
The moon
Doesn't glow
I breathe
In such an odd pattern
People ask
If I'm okay

I cannot see
Each time I stand
The blackness closes in
The kitchen is calling
Trying to drag me back
There is
No more light
Only the
Blackness of night

I tried to move on, I swear I did. But every time I held her waist I didn't feel the tingle that I get with you, and every time I kissed her I didn't taste the sweetness that appeared when you and I kissed. She didn't want to read poetry with me, she didn't get it like you did. She didn't understand why I laughed every time I saw the bronzer stain on my carpet, or why the basement wasn't a safe place anymore. She doesn't understand who am I like you do - like you did.

It has been exactly 605 days since we broke up

You asked me out on May 29th, 2012.
It is just now
That I realized what a short amount of time
Our relationship lasted

Most would say I'm obsessed
Because you can't really love someone
After you've dated for only a week

But we had be best friends for a year
And I loved you from the beginning

From June 2nd, 2012
to the present day
I have watched myself die
A thousand times

But I keep reviving myself
For you
Maybe someday you'll want me
Like you used to

No one really understands
And even if I wanted to talk about it
I'm afraid no words would come out
Of this quivering mouth
I don't know how I'm feeling
I don't know if I'm feeling anything
The world is in orbit
And it will remain alive and well
Even if I'm long gone

Maybe this is what people call relapse
Maybe it's my hormones
These feelings never went away
Everyday I apply a new face
And put up the barriers to my soul
No one can see this

No one can know

"Do you ever think about dying"
You whispered to me
As I had my hand down your pants
Maybe this isn't poetry
But, ****, the way your brain works
Is poetic to me

he was the first apartment you get after moving out of your parents'.

it was your home, but not really.

it was comforting, but it wasn't familiar.

sometimes i miss the way he smelled when i had my lips pressed against his neck.

sometimes i drink until i forget the name of the cologne he wore.

This was the summer of cold showers
Rinsing off the sins of yesterday
Feeling reborn as the water rushes over your fragile body
This was the summer of friendship
Making friends
Losing friends
Finding out where you really stand with people
You once called your 'best friend'
This was the summer of freedom
3am comes and you're driving down the highway
Feeling like you've never really lived before
This exact moment
This was the summer of questions
Who am I?
Who are you?
Why do I still think of you?
This was the summer of sparks
Whether it be the spark of the lighter
While you light what you said
Would be your last bowl
Or the spark you felt
When you finally got to sleep next to
The person you've been dreaming of for years
This was the summer of 2014
And I cherished every moment of it

Holding together
All these broken fragments
Of what was once a living person
Forcing myself to keep going
I'm almost at the finish line

Things are getting blurry again
I found myself trembling
As I fell to the floor
I've already given up
But I can't let that show
My mother wouldn't be pleased
With this girl she doesn't know

It hurts
Once you're completely down
From the high
Once you've ran out of whiskey
When all those wonderful colors and thoughts
Disappear
And you wake up in your bed
The same clothes you had on
Four days ago
And you realize
That your demons still follow you around
You just didn't notice them
For the past few days
Because instead of fearing them
You gave into them
And it wasn't scary
It was bliss

it's much easier to appear unphased

than to admit that the walls i put up inside my being

have morphed into open windows

am i still vulnerable if it's only internal?

looking at you sparks an unsettling amount of familiarity inside me

and i know if i allow myself to fall prisoner to these urges -

if i don't refuse these emotions that keep surfacing,

i will end up creating yet another home out of a person who has no room for a permanent resident.

You are a living person
But you are not real
I made you up in my head
I turned you into something perfect
To keep me from going crazy
Each time I said I loved you
I meant it
But only to the 'you'
That I created

Changing; it is true
It does put a strain on you
I am not content

Before we met, you never cried.

I had awoken
To the coyote's howl
I was left in the country
With nothing
Not even water
You had dropped me off
Without a kiss goodbye
Did you leave me
Here to die?

Your lips were coated in Grey Goose, I could get drunk off of you. You lingered on my tongue, I longed to know your thoughts. We danced through the streets, I forgot how to think. You were a drug and I was hooked. I smoked you, I injected you into my bloodstream. I've been clean for two years, but there's not a day that goes by that I'm not drunk on the thought of you coming back.

I am asked how I feel
Nearly every day
Yet I still don't have an answer

To be honest
I don't remember the last time
I felt anything
But fear and loneliness

Fear for the future
Fear that I'll never
Make it through high school
Fear that you will leave me again
Fear that I will never be content with myself

I'm lonely because I'm sad
I'm lonely because I'm scared
I'm lonely because you left
I'm lonely because everyone left

Nothing will ever be okay again

It's a constant battle
That's been going on
For years now
And to put it simply
I'm dying

My insides are beginning
To shrivel and weep
My soul is no longer
Alive
Even my once glimmering eyes
Have gone grey
With hatred

It's a lot easier
To just give up
Because everyone knows
That this illness
Will take your life
At some point

I've yet again
Found myself crying
Over the same ******* thing

When will you come back?
When will you come back?
When will you come back?

This question plays
Over and over again in my head
I need to wake up
I can't stay in this made up world forever

Perhaps I'll spend forever
Waiting for you
It will be an eternity before you come back

You'll never come back
You'll never come back
You'll never come back

you used to whisper my name
and now you scream it to me
sometimes you would tell me secrets
now you don't say a **** thing
i suppose that's how it goes
when things go up in flames
ashes will be all that remain

You cannot dictate who I am
I am my own person
With my own thoughts
And feelings
You cannot tell me if I respect myself
That's for me to decide
I shouldn't be so afraid of men
That I'm forced to hide
You cannot force me to do anything
I am strong
And you are sick
You cannot get the best of me
I will forever be alive
And you are a clock that ticks