You're a flower
I'm a ****
You're a rose
I'm just a seed

You're summer
I'm winter
Your blood runs warm
My heart is frozen solid

If you're a shooting star
I'll be the person wishing
If you're the rain
I'll be the one dancing

You speak with such sharp words
You didn't even try to heal my wounds

It's been exactly
One year
Eight months
And seven days
Since you were gone

I gave you my all
I'm going insane

You pushed me away
You spat my name

It's been exactly
Eighty-eight weeks
And one day
Since you cursed the ground I walked on

It's been exactly one week
Since we said our goodbyes
I blocked you out of my life

I stopped myself the other day
As I realized
I was beginning to tell a story about you

During the past week
I've walked through the fires of hell
I sat high upon the clouds
I fell down a rabbit hole

I woke up

It's been a few days
Since I've felt the urge to talk to you
I'm trying to erase you
But you live within my skin

i'm sorry that i cannot get you out of my head and i know it's been two years but you still haunt my dreams and i'm scared that you're completely forgetting that we ever happened and it really ***** that you gave me so much to remember and i gave you so much to forget

I no longer wish
To be weightless

I want the weight of your body
On top of mine
And the weight of your heart
Intertwined with my soul  
I want the weight that comes
From loving too much
Caring too much
Wanting too much

You left on a Monday
Over a year ago

I still haven't given up

I can see you creeping back inside me
                                          
                                         You have to stay away
                                                                                    I know I'm not strong enough
To fight you off again
                                                              You've made me fragile

I used to be a beautiful frame
                                                        
                                                           But you clawed through my glass

                                I am no longer a pretty picture

I am shards of what used to capture

                                                                             A beautiful scene

When I was growing up
My mother taught me
That America was a free country
And I could be as free as possible

Then you add in laws
And moralities
And eyes that stare you down
For expressing your opinion

This is not a free country
This is not a free world

If it was
Maybe I wouldn't feel so trapped
Inside my own skin

That's it
That was the end

It was so difficult to say goodbye
To what I feel
Is the love of my life

You wanted me to go
And I want to make you happy
So I left

The flowers that began to bloom inside me
Suddenly turned to dust
They crumbled the moment
I said farewell

My flowers died
Im a little bit shocked
Can you die of a broken heart?

It has been exactly 605 days since we broke up

You asked me out on May 29th, 2012.
It is just now
That I realized what a short amount of time
Our relationship lasted

Most would say I'm obsessed
Because you can't really love someone
After you've dated for only a week

But we had be best friends for a year
And I loved you from the beginning

From June 2nd, 2012
to the present day
I have watched myself die
A thousand times

But I keep reviving myself
For you
Maybe someday you'll want me
Like you used to

It's cold outside
I think my thoughts have frozen over
Lately I've been in and out of reality
Sometimes I can't tell the difference

This winter has been so harsh
I'm losing people
I'm losing myself
(Am I even here right now?)

My once warm blood
Has suddenly turned to ice
It's too cold for me
To function
And I wish you were here
Like in the winter of 2011
When you slept on my floor with me
And we ate popcorn
While my brother hit on you

My head is spinning
I don't remember today
I don't remember anything
Besides that look on your face
When you told me you loved me

You were always so good at lying

It's cold outside
I think my thoughts have frozen over
Lately I've been in and out of reality
Sometimes I can't tell the difference

This winter has been so harsh
I'm losing people
I'm losing myself
(Am I even here right now?)

My once warm blood
Has suddenly turned to ice
It's too cold for me
To function
And I wish you were here
Like in the winter of 2011
When you slept on my floor with me
And we ate popcorn
While my brother hit on you

My head is spinning
I don't remember today
I don't remember anything
Besides that look on your face
When you told me you loved me

You were always so good at lying

Psychology has taught me a few things

i. There was no love radiating from her like I thought, sometimes our memories are not always accurate.
ii. Therapists care about me the same amount they care about their other patients, they want to get into your head and solve your problems because it's interesting to them. They don't truly care.
iii. The next time you look in the mirror and wonder who you really are, remember that personality is thought of in many different ways. There are so many different groups of people that all think of personality different. You're the only one who knows who you are.

first kisses don't matter, only last.

The stars slowly fade
Into the darkness of night
Just as the sun
Blended in with the clouds
The amount of daylight is waning
The nighttime is cold
With the harsh winter wind
When will I see
Sunshine again?

Changing; it is true
It does put a strain on you
I am not content

The monster inside me
Won't leave me alone
It controls all my thoughts
And has made me its home
I've tried drugs and to bleed
For awhile they'd work
But on my mind they would feed
In my heart they'd lurk
These demons won't go
No matter how I try
My self esteem's low
And this may be my last goodbye

"Bleed!"
Cried the serpent
You're covered in black
The air so hot
It faintly stings
Pull apart your flesh
With the serpent's teeth
Quietly you fall
Into a brand new world
The blackness is gone
The serpent now sings
A few moments later
You're awake on the bathroom floor
Red silk surrounds you
Stick the teeth back
Into your stream

I know what I'm doing is wrong
But you left
And now I don't know where to turn
I'm sorry that I wasn't enough
The thought of you still burns
I didn't want things to turn out this way
But I took a wrong turn
And now I'm here
Giving myself to anyone
Who pretends to care

January 26th, 2014

I died in front of you and you didn’t even flinch. Every single time I reached for you, you kicked me a little further into the fire. I screamed your name a thousand times and you ignored every call for help. A few months ago you swore you loved me and now you’re killing me. I spent a whole year in that fire, I was burnt and my soul had turned to ashes. However, that pit of hell couldn’t prepare me for what happened next. I thought the fire would end and I would die, everything would be over. But now I’m six feet underground and still waiting for you to dig me out.

you used to whisper my name
and now you scream it to me
sometimes you would tell me secrets
now you don't say a **** thing
i suppose that's how it goes
when things go up in flames
ashes will be all that remain

I was looking out the car window
Watching as snow conquered the land
Who gave it the right
To mess up a perfectly beautiful scene?

I saw planes
But no stars
The stars don't come out to see me anymore
The planes were flying fast
How I wished I was on a plane
Traveling as far away from here as possible

The planes looked like little twinkling lights
They're starting to take place of the stars
When I was five
I used to look at the planes
And wish I was on one
Traveling as far away from here as possible

Some things never change

I've yet again
Found myself crying
Over the same ******* thing

When will you come back?
When will you come back?
When will you come back?

This question plays
Over and over again in my head
I need to wake up
I can't stay in this made up world forever

Perhaps I'll spend forever
Waiting for you
It will be an eternity before you come back

You'll never come back
You'll never come back
You'll never come back

I didn't read for a long time
It reminded me too much of you
Every book I picked up
Felt like a shard of glass
Piercing into my stomach

I've spent quite some time
Trying to figure out
Why you would leave me
What I did wrong

It wasn't until a month ago
Nearly two years after the breakup
That I figured out
I didn't do anything wrong
I loved and loved
But you weren't ready

I feel as though
If we were to meet for the first time
Today
Things will be different
Maybe we could have made this last

I spent months
Trying to avoid anything that reminded me of you
But that meant shutting the world out
I threw my books everywhere
I couldn't take the pain

I started reading a new book today
I'm trying to heal

I've spent years
Trying to find romance
In the tragedy I swore was love
But there was no love
In that basement

There was obsession

I was madly in love
With the idea of being in love
I let it consume me
I spent a year trying to patch myself up
For nothing

There was no love
There was no wounds
But **** I swear

Sometimes I still feel the scars

Before we met, you never cried.

A mother dead
A father broken
Children breaking down

A foggy night
A last goodbye
They never made a sound

No one's okay
No one will speak
There are no words left to say

No more hugs
No more fun
No more light of day

Don't scream
The dark can't stay forever
Lay your head on me
I know your heart is severed

Don't cry
In the end you'll be okay
Let me carry some of your weight
I am here to stay

Don't worry my darlings
You don't need to weep
I am always here for you

Don't scream
Don't scream
Don't scream

Those pills I swallowed
Were supposed to do the job
Supposed to wash me away
Take me to somewhere safe
Instead
I found myself in a large hospital room
With nurses and doctors
Surrounding me
I did what I was told
And I recovered as well
As I possibly could
I'll never purposely
Try to hurt myself again
But when I'm walking alone
I don't know if
I can control
The urge to walk
Right in front
Of that car

Sunday afternoon
Newspaper in my hand
Thirty recent local deaths
How long until I'm on this page?
How long until I waste away?
There's been so many nights
That I thought were my last
There's been so many tears
And so many laughs
I fold up the newspaper
And take a sip from my mug
Why spend my life
Wondering how much time
I have left?

It hurts
Once you're completely down
From the high
Once you've ran out of whiskey
When all those wonderful colors and thoughts
Disappear
And you wake up in your bed
The same clothes you had on
Four days ago
And you realize
That your demons still follow you around
You just didn't notice them
For the past few days
Because instead of fearing them
You gave into them
And it wasn't scary
It was bliss

When I was young
My mother would find
Creative ways to write back
To my letters to Santa

I didn't know it was her
Because when I went to bed
The cookies and milk were not touched
The carrot for the reindeer was still sitting there

When I was young
I believed that there were things
In this world that were not
Explainable
That there was some kind of
Magic

Around the age of 7
My friends started to tell me
That there is no Santa
That this was all a hoax
I believed them

I asked mother about it
She told me the truth

Suddenly
All the magic
That I ever believed in
Had disappeared

I realized
That life was not
Full of magic
Or beauty
But instead
Full of people
Always needing an explanation
For every thing

People on this dreaded planet
Have taken away
All senses of hope
And all the magic
That ever existed
(Did it ever exist?)

This is not a dream
I am here
I exist
If I scream, people will help
My heart is beating
My soul has not withered away
Nothing is fine
But I'll be okay

It's a constant battle
That's been going on
For years now
And to put it simply
I'm dying

My insides are beginning
To shrivel and weep
My soul is no longer
Alive
Even my once glimmering eyes
Have gone grey
With hatred

It's a lot easier
To just give up
Because everyone knows
That this illness
Will take your life
At some point

Two years
Two ******* years
Crying-
Drowning in self pity

I am no longer
Willing to let the
Walls close in
Or to speak
To the ghosts

I have found
The sun
And it's bright
Oh it's brilliant

I do not fear
The unknown
Nor fear for hurting
Myself

I spent two years
Crying over myself
Crying because
The "right" people
Didn't care

But really
Who are the
"Right" people?

I was lost at sea
For so **** long
And I have the scars
To prove it

But I swam
To the shore
And laid on the
Beach
And found myself again
In the swaying
Of the waves

It was miraculous
To watch such an intense love
Grow

Beginning as strangers
I saw as you both slowly
Became friends
There was a spark
In your friendship
That - I never doubted

It was around November
Perhaps December
When the snow began to fall
So did you guys
For each other

Now
I was still in love
With that girl with brown eyes
But she fancied a girl
With blonde hair
And a stunning mind

Spring began to appear
And I was watching
As you two
Bloomed
Alongside the flowers

It is now over a year
Since you girls first
Shook hands
I'm not sure what
You're feeling
But the spark
Has disappeared

There's a hole
In my chest
That appeared around
The time you left

This hole was filled
By a one night thing
Where a girl
With soft lips and
A brilliant mind
Kissed me long
Into the night

I woke the next morning
Holding hands
On her bed
"I was going to kiss
You awake"
The thoughts
In my head
Started to fade
Because that one night thing
Filled the hole
And saved me
From death