MD - Hello Poetry

MD Jul 2014

July 23rd, 2014

I went to church last Sunday to pray for you to love me again. I don't believe much in anything, but I pretended like I knew someone (something?) was listening. I cried in the back row of the sanctuary throughout the whole service. I went home and with my church clothes still on, I laid in bed and prayed once more. This time I felt something painful in my chest, I threw my phone against the wall as I screamed for somebody to listen. Why doesn't anyone listen? You took a large portion of me with you, I know that's such a cliche saying but I feel it's true. Something is missing from me. I want you to come back to me, your heart is my home and dear god am I homesick.

MD Jul 2014

Empty Bodies

Empty bodies trapped in coffins
Their souls want to escape
One after the other
The breathless people go into the funeral home
Into the ground
Into the dark
Perhaps there have been one too many deaths
Too many relics left
I'm beginning to deteriorate from the inside-out
Mother speaks to me about how someday
I will be at her funeral
Weeping into my makeup drenched tissues
I can't find the guts to tell her
It will be the other way around

I lay awake in my coffin
Waiting for my family to bury me
Along with all my thoughts and doubts
I am no longer breathing
For a few hours I am another empty body
And it doesn't hurt
Oh god for once
I do not hurt

I wake up

MD Jul 2014

I'm Sorry For Leaving

Sometimes the silence gets too loud.

I sat in my room
Getting my fingers tangled
In my unwashed brown hair
I examined my legs
As they swung back and forth
On the edge of my bed

Someone called me

I didn't have the energy to answer

I sat there
Hair tangled
Legs examined
Eyes dark
Cellphone ringing

I turned off my phone
And laid on my side

I thought I wanted complete silence
I thought I wanted peace
But hours passed and I missed my phone ringing
I missed hearing voices
And footsteps coming down the hall

I shut everyone out

And the silence drove me crazy.

MD Jul 2014

I don't know what to call this

No one really understands
And even if I wanted to talk about it
I'm afraid no words would come out
Of this quivering mouth
I don't know how I'm feeling
I don't know if I'm feeling anything
The world is in orbit
And it will remain alive and well
Even if I'm long gone

Maybe this is what people call relapse
Maybe it's my hormones
These feelings never went away
Everyday I apply a new face
And put up the barriers to my soul
No one can see this

No one can know

MD Jun 2014

Actually, You Don't Know

I tried to explain to you
That I didn't want to talk
That it physically made me sick
To think about spilling out all my details
And you responded with something along the lines of
"I know, but..."
But you don't know
You have never felt the limitation of my skin
You don't know how difficult it is to sleep
Or eat
Or live
You don't know
You don't know

MD May 2014

I Need Feminism

i. because I spend hours thinking of what would be "safe" to wear
ii. because no matter how I dress, I'm still stuck with the fear of being attacked
iii. because I'm taught the way I dress causes ****, not rapists
iv. because I get told I have no self respect when I wear "revealing" clothing
v. because I'm taught to hold keys between my fingers when I walk alone
vi. because I'm tired of people telling me "I'm asking for it"

MD May 2014

Untitled

You cannot dictate who I am
I am my own person
With my own thoughts
And feelings
You cannot tell me if I respect myself
That's for me to decide
I shouldn't be so afraid of men
That I'm forced to hide
You cannot force me to do anything
I am strong
And you are sick
You cannot get the best of me
I will forever be alive
And you are a clock that ticks