if i could reach you                                          
i'd never let you go
if i could hate you                                                    
i'd never be able to live
if i could be you                                                                  
i'd never want to change

i didn't hide the cuts on my legs
i thought you maybe saw them
i then hid them                            
i hid the bruises over my knuckles
i don't think you saw them              
i stopped hiding the bruises            
i'm not scared
of hitting you
in self defence
instead of a    
brick wall        
that won't fight back

god is something only
people needing faith                
believe in          

i only need you

not in a single place
but the general everywhere

call me crazy              
insane              
******              
but i swear
maybe sometimes
you're here

i've no effort                                            
i just want to sleep                                                
but the world    
or everything    
and everything
disagrees,                                
protests                              
and it seems
only tears                                                    
or just crying                                                          
tires me out                                                  
exhausts me                                              
just enough                                                          
for me to fall
into a subconscious
sleep or
maybe sleep
- might be
sleep -
but it's just                              
not     e n o u g h                                
to sustain me                        
and it has
resulted in
self formed                                                            
sadness                                                                      
that unfortunately                                                
results in blood                                                
all    t o o    much                                                                
i'm too sad
i cry myself
to half — maybe
— sleep

not the one's involving flying                                                  
or super strength                                                  
or even endless knowledge                                                  
no,                         instead
i dream of impossibilities like:                                            
you holding me.
us sitting together
arms and legs touching
hands held between us.
gentle, warm hugs
face pressed into your shirt.
smelling your skin
fingers interlocked
your thumb grazing the bruises
swelling my hand
kissing my knuckles better.
you knowing where
each and every one
of my scars are
and loving them
because they're me.
sweet embraces
before blessed sleep
only to wake
still embraced.
seeing your eyes close up
knowing you're only looking
at mine.
groggy voices stating
"i love you"
because it's completely the truth.
your hand
resting on my waist
holding me close
protecting me from the world.
us.

you told me
our daughter
(because you always wanted
kids) would be
named after me
and she would
be beautiful
"just like her mother"
and i imagined
you grinning
like the proudest man
as you held her
before kissing me
and reminding me
you loved me
with all your heart
forever
i imagined the
pregnancy
(i never was the dolly type
and was never clucky before)
but you'd hold me
and kiss my belly
each night
and tell me
you'd love me
forever

instead
sadness caught you
in it's clutches
soon followed
by suicide
and you told me
you'd love me
forever

there's something about
listening to angry music    
the way the artist expresses it    
and the fact that they had the amount
of passion to express such an angry song
makes me feel as though, everyone gets angry
so it's okay if i like their angry music
to express my anger by singing it

avoid                         eye         contact    
keep to your own business
don't ever look vulnerable
or lost                                                                  
look like    
you have somewhere to be
and you'll be okay
because people will think
someone might be waiting for you
even if                        
you're all alone
no one knows          
no ones opinion matters
because you're only
a fleeting person
in a crowd

my bones weigh more than my heart
nothing can lift me
i'm not strong enough
getting out of bed in the morning
an adrenaline shot might help
cut the skin here
slash it there
you'll wake up
enough
to fake the light in your eyes
flick the switch
act baby girl
maybe if you believe
there's nothing wrong
they wont notice

i had a break down
i told mum
how i was tired
i wasn't strong enough
to fake it
other days i'm okay
i can pull myself together enough
but today
on that day
i wasn't able to.
she sent me to school

i trapped my heart in a cell                                    
a cell i made to perfection
to keep it in and away from everyone
its cold and lonely                                                           ­           
but thats the way its supposed to feel                    
it keeps my head from my heart                                        
this way there are no unwanted feelings                                

no love                                                             ­                                                 
because love is a feeling that comes from the heart
not the head                

by doing this it keeps my heart protected
safe from love                                                    

because with love comes hate and hurt                          
the only way to live without love is to trap your heart

in whatever way you can                      
stop at nothing to catch it                      
hide it away                                            
nourish it but don’t                                
whatever you do                                    
don’t let it love.

people say                                                                        
they hate being home alone                                          
for too long                                                                      
it's too quite.                                                                    
they play music, the TV is on                                        
just so they wont feel so alone                                      
i love being alone
no one is here
to expect anything of me
so i do more than if
everyone is home, and asking me
to do things, because i'm not.
i'm alone all the time                                                      
so being physically alone                                              
almost feels like you're here                                        
not them, you                                                                  
like you're simply sleeping
in our shared bedroom
because you didn't get to sleep
until late//early morning
you were too busy
watching me sleep, and keeping me safe
so you didn't sleep until you were sure
i was okay

empty my insides
into a jar                              
and study                              
what's wrong with me

drill into my skull
to thoughts                                
and find                                
their dark hiding places

rid me of badness      
cleanse me of      
darkness      

****    
me