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  Oct 2016 maxime
Wardell Lee Freeman
I tend to get stares... Looks... The occasional "are you gay?" With a quizzical look of disgust.
Well, to answer your question, no, I am not gay.
In a society built around judgment and stilted above common sense,
Being gay would mean that I'd have to find women utterly disgusting, flick my wrists, speak with funny and awkward inflections, right?
Do you think I speak with funny and awkward inflections?
Good! Because I'm so not gay.
Being gay would mean that I love to shop, well I hate it!
My fashion sense does not exceed that of a box of colorful crayola crayons melting away in the blistering Las Vegas sun because you see, I don't live in San Francisco, or New York,
or anywhere "gay" people live.
I am not gay.
Being gay would mean that I am immoral but I can assure you, moralistically speaking, that morals are what keep me routinely from listening to Lady Gaga, who I've heard, despite her catholic upbringing, is a devout devil worshiper and I sure as hell don't worship Satan!
Oh no, I am not gay.
My father once told me, in his manliest tone that if I ever became sweet
or my tank profusely filled with sugar
that he'd disown me and rid me of his home.
However last time I checked,
I don't have a tank
and one lick of my tanned brown skin would reveal that I am in fact quite salty!
Salty, as defined by Urban Dictionary, means to be ******.
Bitter. Angry.
Well father, there aint nothing sweet about my wrath.
I'm infuriated.
I'm angry not because I'm not able to fulfill the holistic criterion society has built in order to be gay,
No, I am more upset that there is actually a set of rules dictating whether or not someone is gay.
Now listen to me when I tell you,
I am not gay
I am not gay because I have yet to inject myself of substances with an unsterile needle for all purposes of getting high.
No, I have yet to discover my last ****** partner was diagnosed with *** and that I may very well have the virus.
No, I have yet to interiorly decorate my bedroom with the warm crimson fluid that is my blood because some punk at school thought it was cute to label me a queer.
I have yet to be gay because being gay in today's society means I am reckless. I am promiscuous. I am a *******.
Well, guess what society,
I am not gay.
I am, in fact, a man, who is not your personal show dog for your fashion approval that you can tote around in some cute Gucci bag.
I am a man, who can still appreciate the beautiful magnificence that is a curve when he sees one no matter the person's gender.
I am a man who, despite what you may be expecting,
is a man who, no matter how hard you try to box me in a confined image,
is a man who, will fight to freely be in love with who he wants to be in love with,
who is a man who is not gay
but a man who loves men.
I am not gay.
..
Totally gay.
  Oct 2016 maxime
Em
Anxiety
is a breath never released
suffocation of the lungs
and the whole of your mind
Anxiety
is a clock
that never stops ticking
with the constant click, from past to present
Time never ends
and oh darling
nor does anxiety.
  Oct 2016 maxime
Drifter
I'm a lot gayer than originally planned.
*******. Gay.
But I'm worried about the concept;
not sure if it's right to use the word
“gay”
when (I'm sorry I said it)
I'm really bisexual,
just particularly into women right now.
Like,
is that bad representation
of my sexuality?
Only encouraging
bi-erasure?
It just doesn't have the same
“umph”
to say
I'm feeling particularly
bisexual today.
But I've been telling myself
over and over
that it's okay,
no matter what
I'm feeling today.
I don't
need
your
box

anymore.
A reflection of my inner turbulence when I was still wrapped up in how I should identify myself in the LGBTQ+ community...worried way too much about it.  For clarification, I choose not to have a label. I have been in love with men, women, and people in between, and I'm okay with that.
maxime Sep 2016
dependent, dependent, dependent.
i hate to be dependent.
it's something that shows weakness.
it shows i can't defeat this.

sorry, sorry, sorry.
you tell me not to be sorry.
even though i try my best.
i never succeed, so i cannot rest.

stupid, stupid, stupid.
i feel like i am stupid.
obviously i'm the least of all.
no one cares when i take a fall.

weakling, weakling, weakling.
i am truly just a weakling.
melting from your sweetest words.
hoping my promises have been heard.
a small little snippet. not my best honestly.
maxime Sep 2016
please take me to a safe place
where everything is bright and shining
where it's never raining and dreary
where the water is pure and food is a delicacy
i want a safe place
where i'm never afraid of being myself
where i don't feel guilty for being happy
where i won't be forced to be unhappy
take me to a safe place
where my family isn't falling apart
where no one is a disappointed in me
where i'm not afraid of my best friend
just take me to a safe place
please.
maxime Sep 2016
"always have hope" they say.
"never lose hope" they tell me.
hope is supposedly a blessing.
it is the feather that is lifted effortlessly
the light of every person's life.
it's the purest form of human ignorance.
a wolf in sheep's clothing.

for that one moment i feel weightless.
i see my ideal world snap into focus.
everyone is smiling there. the sun is bright.
and you and i are standing hand in hand
neither of us with a care in the world.
why would we in such a serene place?
and then that moment ends.

there is nothing quite like a crumbling heart.
you wouldn't expect to physically feel it.
but an empty feeling grows in your chest.
the wind has been knocked out of you
along with any traces of hope.

i'm left with no hope and a broken heart
all because you said a name.
and it wasn't mine.
  Sep 2016 maxime
Sam
Something so simple,
Something so easy,
Is so hard for me to do.
Repeat in my head the billions of possibilities that may occur,
and end up never doing one.
Instead, I go on,
regretting the things I never did,
or don't have the courage to do again.
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