,a friend told me. she was
in love once, & since felt
the knife slide right through
her. so love is just a stomach
ache, then. love is the uneat
-ing unsleeping thing inside.
love is magic, it is so much
like pixie dust; try & hold it

,i told her. feel its ridges
& folded edges. feel its
amorphous underbelly & tell
it that it doesn't hurt like
you. tell me you see purple
in a deeper hue, and that
blanket weight on your collar
bones is heavier than mine.

i'd love for it to be not love.
i'd love to have an hour of
eating & sleeping where i am
not imagining sharing it with
You. do You think of me, too?
what it might be is not love,
what it might be is a stomach
ache, what it might be is over

soon, what it might be is never.

reflection spits
off the road
like venom

(all this happened
under slurred
red murmur        )

dear you,

yesterday i watched a comet sail right over the handrail of calmess i watched it again eddy the starry pool of stomach acid & i realised that is just what comets do it is such a thing to realise it is another thing to feel it hot in your gullet not burning white or red but more a perfect green like the perfect green you see behind your eyes i think know where itll go too ive let this comet pass by two or three times before and its nowhere near here it wont destroy any ecosystem or create any new flame itll just taper past again&again&again losing a little bit of mineral again&again&again until it is little more than a rock. then again i was told never to focus on what i can fit only in the palm of my hand.

write soon

dear you,

it'll probably take this a long long time to reach you but isn't that just the idea? nothing is consistent here - moments bend & weave so it feels like each blink takes a lifetime. yesterday a thought took four months to form and i almost used it without thinking.

i'm stretched out on the grass now & i'd love to explain how anyone meets anyone at all. is love some long blue thread bringing them together? i've seen what people do with it - sure they make it into something pretty but it isn't what it's there for.

i tried to explain a concept like us to a bumblebee but i didn't really get anywhere. i said "wouldn't you like something like a portal? you could be at the next flower before you know it." i said portal instead of a wormhole because i knew bees didn't understand physics but he buzzed off anyway. i suppose the fun might be in the looking & finding but i've been given flowers before & it sure as hell meant more than picking one myself. maybe he was just happy with what he'd already found.

now i see magpies everywhere but they can't all be you right? i've always thought they were but maybe i'm just too ******* in my long blue thread. i suppose that's human though - i've just always valued the idea of tying something tangible to a concept that isn't really bound by atoms. the idea that this is all meant to be, y'know?

if you look hard enough you'll see them everywhere. sometimes all it takes is one & the thought that everything has to mean something. that's it though - i guess if it were real then you'd be here by now. maybe if you wait long enough you'll miss your chance. maybe if i look long enough a magpie is just a magpie.

p.s.

on the walk here i crossed a bridge - it wasn't celestial or anything but it was high enough off the ground to wonder if i stepped off how much of a joke i could get out my mouth before i hit the clouds. i couldn't really shake that feeling of bending & weaving after that. funny isn't it.

write soon