Walked a
crooked mile
Climbed a
crooked stile
Had a
crooked we we
All with a
crooked smile.
Went through
a crooked door
Said hello to
my crooked wife
I’ve never
been so
crooked Drunk
in my entire life.
Fell into my
crooked bed
Then the room
went crooked
Inside my
Spinning head
Then up come
the crooked Food
that I been
duly fed
I’d been to a
Crooked party
Hosted by
Crooked people
In a city
Called Salisbury
That has a
Crooked steeple.

I’m Still running,
Running
Up the track,
Being **** scared
Never looking
Back.
Stations to the
Left of me,
Stations to the
Right
Still I’m running
All through
The ****** night.
See
I was sitting
On the
Pub wall
Drinking
Lots of cider,
Then out of a
Tree
Came a
ten ton
Spider.

Owl and the ***** cat
Went to sea on
the Titanic,
Two gay
lovers
Both a
little manic.
Ollie liked
poppy juice
Sylvester
liked dope
Both on a sinking
Ship Thats given
Up hope.
Ollie spread
her wings
Sylvester got
on back
Flew of into
the sunset
Now thats a
Spunky cat.

Tourette’s
Sporting day
All events
Slowly underway
Stadium full
Big All seater
First event
100 metres
Starter raises
His gun aloft
On your marks
Get set
Now *******.

Jack the stripper
Liked to ****
While
In the ****
With his women
He didn’t grapple
Just slit there throats
In sunny Whitechapel.
Jack looked good
in his birthday suit
Liked them young
Liked them cute
Killing naked
Was his way a
Serial killer at night
A stripper by day.

Went to a party
On a cruise,
Lovely
Ladies
And a mountain
Of *****.
All inclusive
Nothing to lose
******* dressed
Ladies
Bathing in *****.
Tickets on sale
For next year
Not taking
my woman
Nor me
own
Beer
Can’t wait
For next years
***** Cruise
Already getting
Withdrawal blues.

Going back
to the
Point of
my birth
To ****
the child
So  it will
not have
To endure
the hurt.
I know we can
Choose
our paths
Sadness
and hurt
Prevails,
If I could
**** myself
So not to suffer
These ails.

We are not
Consulted
If we wanted life
I got first prize
This little
*****
Was fertilised.

Nine months in
A darken  room
On me own inside
My Mothers
womb
I popped
out 11th
Of June
Just a baby
a ******* loon.

Got to go back
Don’t you see
To stop the hurt
Thats killing me.

Fragile Earth
With paper wings
Fragile cities
Where no one sings.
Fragile world
Lands are burning
Planet crying slowly
Turning,
Angels and unicorns
Are abandoning ship
On a toss of a coin
The sun will dip.
Fragile humans
In a boot with no lace
Letting creation
Fall from grace.

Look at me
Im Walter Mitty
Sometimes ugly
Sometimes pretty,
Sometimes cold
Sometimes hot
Always giving it
One last shot.
Sometimes dapper
Then slovenly dressed
Im Walter Mitty
I do not rest.
One  day
drinking Pepsi
The next day  
Coca Cola,
I can’t shift this
******
Bi Polar.
Im Walter
Second name Mitty
I have good days
But mostly ******.

I wandered lonely
With my raccoons
With a back pack on
And their
Bassoons
We were heard
Before we were seen
In the mountains
In the cities
Blowing out tunes
And reciting ditties,
Townsfolk would
Take there pills
Following us blindly
Into the hills.
These crazy tunes
Would make
them hyper
My raccoons
Had
Became the
Modern day
Pied piper.
We cleansed streets of
The human race
We took the homeless
To better place,
These raccoons
And their bassoons
Are coming to a town
Near you soon.
You will hear us
Before you see
You don’t need
A ticket the
Music’s free.

First animal
In space
Her name
Was June
She was the
Cow who
Jumped
Over the
Moon.

First person
To visit the
North Pole
Was my mate
Old king Cole,
He got there
In a Ferrari
Or was it a rolls.

First transatlantic
Flight
Was made by
Someone I
Hold dear
Flying from
Newfoundland
To Ireland
Was my
Best friend Mr
Buzz Lightyear.

First person
To top Everest
Was In 1953,
Blonde hair
Iconic dress
Getting to top
Without a rest
Wow that cold
Wind would blow
For my girlfriend
Marilyn Munro.

You are magic
I am magic
Lets disappear
We will build
Our fantasy
Then we
Shall reappear.

Lots of
Trees and
hedges
Made of
Chocolate
Cakes
While
Pretty
flamingo’s
Are
Dancing in
The lakes

We make
more magic
With children
on the way
Living in a fantasy
Loving everyday.

My mum
bless her
She died
We had a
Lovely service
At the crem.
Mum had
A sense
of humour
All her
twelve
Children
began
with M.
All the poetry
People play
A simple game
8 boys 4 girls
See how many
you can name.
E mail me
     [email protected]

This little challenge
Is harder than you think
Mum was a wordsmith
You will miss
her if you blink

Met a Lovely
Woman
She became
A good chum
Every time
I took her
Home
She wanted
To -uck
My mum.

Found out
There’s
Nothing
so
Queer
as folk,
Mum was a
Scissor sister
Liked women
Dressed as
Blokes.

Got a cat
That thinks
It’s a dog
Got a dog
That thinks
It’s a cat
Lovely
Pets
Salt of
The earth I
Think there
Was a mix up
At there
Birth.
The dog meowed
The cat did bark they
Followed each other
Never far apart,
Then one day
Dog had died
The hearse
turned up the
Cat she cried
Cat felt lonely
They were
never apart
Poor old cat
Had
Developed
A broken
Heart.

He liked
To cross dress
My darling reg
Of to parties
With his
Meat and
two veg .
Blonde wig
Make up on
Always liked
The limelight
Always made
A scene
An ode for
Reg
A gorgeous
Wonderful
Talented
Drag queen.

I am a
Total freak
My mum a
Potato
My dad a
Leek
Fame and fortune
I did not seek.
I Had an
accident
Hit a
fast car
When the
ambulance
Turned up
I was
Vichyssoise

Big
piggies
In a pen
You all
will
Be
forsaken.
That is
The farmers
Way
Four trotters
And
Sliced
Bacon.

Mr snowman
Made from
flakes
Bringing it
in from
The cold was
big mistake.
This was sad
As I feared
The flaky
white
Snowman
disappeared.

Sweet little potato
Bobbing in a ***
Looking delicious
Looking so hot,
Meat and two veg
Is diving in
Culinary delights
Can now begin.
Tasty hot
Cheese to grate
Total infusion
On my plate.

I am a
Pretty flamingo
Totally weird
And completely
purple,
I Think my mum
Mated with a
Loggerhead Turtle.

I don’t care
If the sun don’t
Shine
Im a Bat
And doing fine.
Didn’t see the
Cows grazing
In the grass
I flew straight
Up a Heffers ****.
Made it home
Covered in  pat
I said to mum
I never saw that.

Act one

Im being haunted
By my brother Mike
He was an *******
But weirdly well liked.
A character and
a bad dude
Quite intelligent
Really lewd.
Typically funny
Given a chance
He’d steal your money
He was well liked
My brother Mike.

Act two

My brother Mike
Saw the light
Somehow the
God squad
Thought he
was alright.
I tried to tell them
They were wrong
That
Robbing them blind
Wouldn’t take long.

Act three

Having a heart
Bitter and cold
The god squad
Fell into his
Charming fold.
I think god finally
Got his way
Likeable ****
Never lasted the day,
Heart attack banged
His head
Hospital calling
In act four
Finally dead.

Act five

He was a my brother
A nasty shrike,
Gullible people
They would like.
They would give
him
All there
money
Im still being
haunted and
Still finding it funny.

DRIP

Health and safety
World War One
Trying to keep
To the rules
Now that’s
Called fun.
Don’t do that
You might die
Wear a yellow hat
Safety laws do apply.
When protecting
Your ungrateful
Nation
Don’t get
injured because
Employers
are
saying
No to
compensation.
Bullet in the head
Mud in your eye
Health and safety
It’s better to die.

Madness and pain
Partners in crime
Only getting relief
A little at a time.

Joyful and love
It’s songful rap
I prefer to call it
The happiness trap.

Hope and despair
Highs and lows
Let these inside
Nothing will flow.

Truths and lies
They hide in prose,
When inside disguise.
Nothing grows

War and peace
Death and life
A Truce would
be like
Sliding down the
Edge of your knife.

Beatles or the Rolling Stones
Blur, oasis or the undertones
In life the music you choose
I prefer Rory Gallagher
Playing the blues.

Never caring
When the
Cold wind blows
Always stalwart
Forever bad
Your my witch
My
Stalingrad.
Your my backbone
Never to be shot
Your my witch
From Salem lot.
Mind so sharp
You have no heart
A hoard of
Werewolves
Couldn’t tear
Us apart
The problem was
We did not forsake
So they  made a fire
And Burnt us
on a wooden stake

Playing bowls
On a green rink
Harder than golf
I do think.
Got to roll a wood
To a ball
called Jack
Then turn around
And then
play back.
Playing this game
Will shatter
my heart
Will hurt
my soul
Because I’m crap
At golf
And now
******* bowls.

Playing golf
No holes in one
My ******* round
Was not much fun,
I hooked the ball left
I sliced the ball right
Every hole
I played
****** *****.
After ranting
And raving
I couldn’t
give a ****
I Threw my clubs
In a nice yellow skip.
Problem I got
Golf is very dear
It’s the 20th set of clubs
I brought this year
Golf breaks my heart it
Shatters my soul
If I don’t get better
Im taking up bowls.

Gone and brought
A Tardis
Inside larger
Than you think
Mines not a police box
It’s shaped like a sphinx
Not sure where this
Rhyme wants to go
Back or forward
I’ll let the stylus flow
I don’t want to run or fight
Not put any injustices right
Im of to the future to put
Certain objects in place
Maybe one day they will
Save the human race.
Me and the sphinx decided
We will go back in time
Just to sing with Elvis
When he was in his prime.
There still selling Tardises
Any shape and wide
Smaller on the outside
And bigger inside.

Suffering from dysthymia
Don’t feel sorry
Im not a wretch
I am coming out
Of a two year stretch
Suffering with moods
Every single day
Bereft and lacking
It’s been my way
Sometimes I think
I am on the way up
Then all of a sudden
The door slams shut.
Door sometimes
I leave ajar
So I can escape
But I never get far
Anxiety and panic attacks
I feel  so alone
I go into reverse
And head back home.
When i am at home
Biding my time
To get through this ****
By writing these rhymes .

Riding the plains
With two legged horse,
A sidekick
Brilliant
Fast of course.
Indians to the left
Indians to the right
We fought those
Reds way into the night.
With two legged horse
We had some fun
Horse went crazy
With his loaded gun.
Popped them Indians
He was so adept
By the end
Of the fight
There were
no Indians
Left.
Horse was irate
Created a farce
In that commotion
He got an arrow
In his ****.
Two legged horse
My sidekick
I made him jump
As I pulled it out quick
Poor old horse
Life got bleak
Couldn’t sit down
For about twenty weeks.

Is this rather sinister
An alien is our
Prime Minister
A devouring
snake,
Voting it in
was a
Big
mistake.
Bit by bit
This
slithery diva
Canny **** this
Alien deciever,
Next election
I am going to
vote for
Sigourny Weaver.

Lifespan
Of my
Pet fly
I went
And zapped
It
I don’t know
Why.
I wrote
an eulogy
And told
It later
In the obituaries
Inside the fly paper.

****** de
****** do
The simple
Life of a
Piece of poo

Never a winner
Better out
Number two
Was his best
Shout.

****** de
****** do
Time out
For him
Was a day
In Looe

****** de
****** do
The simple
Life of a
runny poo
On a day out he
Liked to meet
His best mate
Stinky Pete.

Went to the doctors
This was a farce
Pants came down
Found a lump
In my ****
This wasn’t
Turning out
To be my day,
He found a golf ball
It had gone in a
Fairway.

Hum ducking
Mummy bucking
Hen chucking
Hectic piece
Of twit
Dog loves me
So buck of and why
Leave me alone
I am a god woof.

Sad news
I cried
My goldfish got
Cancer
Became ill
And died.

Making a film
About his life
We did get
permission
From his wife.

Me and my
Best  friend  Deano,
Are calling this
Film finding
Chemo

Killing life
Since
Dawn of
creation
This feeling
Of
Excited
Wonderful
elation.
At university
A professor
Did a citation
On the works
Of
Master. B.Ation

Don’t look up
Be afraid
Aliens are
Coming
They will
Invade

First port
of call
London
parliament
Aliens fired in
A message
was sent
They all
came out
Through them
Black gates
To find out
They were
Best of mates.

Japanese kamikaze pilot
Thought he was hard.
Crashed his plane
In his family’s scrap yard.


Went to hospital
Freddie was low
For a blood test
Result didn’t show
Freddie feeling miffed
I said to him b positive.

I had obsession with
My  football team
Happy wife so
It seemed.
My lover left me
She gave no reasons
I was with her
For seven seasons.

We had a kidnapping
At are school
Police and the teacher
We’re ****** fools,
Panicking eyes wide shut
I gave him a nudge
And my mate woke up.

What do’s the future
Hold for me
So I made an appointment
With a psychic
Named Lee,
I thought this psychic
Was totally ****
He cancelled my
appointment saying
No way I was going
To be able to make it.

My mate
Harry Rag
He liked to talk
He liked to brag.
He said he made 6 figures
Last year,
Bragging this to me
I found out
he was the
Worst employer
at the
Toy factory.

Friendly people
Everywhere,
About in the cities
Without a care.
Pavement walkers
Drinking coffee beans
While
Red light girls are
Trying to be seen,
Friendly people
All different shapes
All types of genders
Going on dates,
Shops along
the bustling street
Open selling
there tasty wares
Happy  people
Eating
smiling
Everywhere.

Wide boys everywhere
These people will con
You if you’re unaware.
They will take  your money
Take your phone
Swipe the ice cream from
Your tasty cone,
They don’t drink coffee
They just  steal
from shops
Ducking and diving
Evading the cops,
There’s unhappy people
Everywhere
They roam the streets
These people do not care.

Ten out of ten
I do rate
The Daleks
Tip top
Deadly great,
A lot of ****
Going on at late
We need these
Daleks
To exterminate.

A camel with one ****
Could do better job than
Putin and Trump
Please please don’t leave
It to late,
Get  the Daleks
To exterminate.

Royal family
I know it’s
To late
Buckingham palace
Should have shown
Prince Andrew
The golden gates.
Me
I would of got the
Daleks
to exterminate.

All this crap in the world today
Where terrorists come out
And like to play.
Just call the Daleks
Whom I rate
Dr Who won’t mind
Let them exterminate

Scary ghosts of uck halls
Threw lavish parties
And summer *****.
One criteria on the
Invitation read
You had to be
Physically dead

I didn’t stop me
I had a plan
I disguised myself
As a baked bean can

My Skelton mate
Went to the bar
Asked for a pint
And a mop
It was different
That night he
Never spilt a drop.

The band played thriller
Drinks went down well
Trap door opened
Out popped lucifer
From the road to hell.

Ghost of Dracula
And Frankenstein
Dancing singing
Drinking bottles
Of wine.

Party went on well
Past five
The bouncers evicted
Me because they
Found out  I was alive.

Next year
I am
Going to
be dead
Just like the
invitation read.

Ghostly ghosts
Of uck hall
Great parties
But not for all.

Dreamt of a happy
Christmas
It never came
We all went down
Sick
****** shame.
Vaccinations
What a load of shat
Hot honey and
A lemon drink
And a cuddle
from the cat.
New year come and went
Bank balance didn’t
Take a dent.
Me and the cat were
Nearly back to square one
So all you people in poetry
Land have a good year
And lots of fun.

Can you remember
Cosmic Dave
I was a fan
Of this star man.

Who woke up
With little Suzie
After a night
A little *****.

10cc always came
In handy
She flew me
With passion
My friend Mandy .

Tricky Dicky
Clever Trevor
Dury lane theatre
They still play together

Who remembers Roxanne
And her red light
Policemen visited
Her mostly every night.

Caroline a diamond
Billie Jean a thriller
Formed a band with
Bonnie and Clyde
They called themselves
The killers.

Mickey and Jessica
They did like Jude
But things went scary
When along came Mary
Now not
cool young
dudes.

England football
Tuchell in charge
For us supporters
A German thats hard.
We’ve had an Italian
We’ve a had a swede
Still it’s just pure fantasy.
This manager has no class
Like all the rest
Not good enough
To wipe Alf Ramseys ****.
The trophy room
Countable of one.
It’s like having bullets
But no ****** gun,
Tuchell singing god
Save the king
Thats going to be
A tricky thing.
Football football
Coming home
Fantasy football
On me phone.

Went on a dating site
I didn’t seem right
Ending up dating
A lady called Mike
This was embarrassing
Don’t you see
This lovely lady
Had a bigger Wicket
Than me.
I was stumped
Didn’t know
What to do
So I phoned up
Sherlock
To give us a clue
This lovely lady
With a wicket
And two bails
I think this relationship
Was doomed to fail.

Spring is here
Flowers in bloom
Church bells ring
For the bride and groom.
Butterflies are on
the wing
Listen to the
choir sing,
The congregation
Of to the pub
to
Down some
ales
And
Eat lots
of grub.
Music starts
the band
Plays on
The bride dances
To her favourite song,
While the groom
Is doing something
Terribly wrong.
Use your imagination
It’s a difficult mess
With the bridesmaid
He wasn’t playing chess.
Spring is here
Flowers in bloom
Divorce bells ring
For the bride and groom.

Got a  big dog
Called
Blacksmith
Stands four
Foot from
The floor
Every time
I kick him
He makes
A bolt for
The door.

My my mate
Shane
Got hit by a train
He wasn’t happy
Life did not fit
In the end
He’s was
Chuffed to bits.

Noah the dog
Lost his bark,
Walking
In the rain
Other dogs
would laugh
Too see him
in such pain,
He got his voice back
This obedient chow
They laughed
Even louder
When he went meow.

I got my kicks
On route 67
She lived at
The top
Of my
stairway
To heaven.
Her lust for life
Second to none
She was my pretty woman
In her house of fun.

Loving her was
A coming Of age
Beauty personified
My teenage rampage,
Very sweet she’s truly
Alive wow she loved my
Dimblegate drive.

I got my kicks
Out of route 68
I gave her all my
Loving
When I was at her gate.
We Get it on
we did not fret
High on the happy side
I made her wet wet wet.

I got my kicks
on route 69
That’s where
Rhiannon
My pretty woman
Didn’t walk the line

Got my kicks
on route 70
Up that stairway
I did get
plenty,
Her loving arms
My jailhouse rock
Use your imagination
I’ll do anything
For love but
I won’t do that.