Devil woman
You are my sin,
Devil woman
You hurt me within,
Devil woman
Devour my chains,
Devil woman
Life isn’t plain,
Devil woman
What a pleasure,
Devil woman
Such a treasure,
Devil woman
Loving with ease,
Devil woman is
Such a tease,
Devil woman
Can I be free
So l can
start this
Game of monopoly.

Riding the mail train
Mornings are never plain
Riding the mail train
Every view a serene gain.
Up the track no retreat
Every morning such a
Wonderful treat.
Behind the clouds
The sun will tease
Horizon never
getting nearer
While Collecting
my thoughts
With pleasing ease.
I drank my cold
hobo cider
With my friend
Called Boris the spider
Riding the mail train
Mornings are never  plain.

People see us everywhere
Me and my lady friend
We don’t really care
With our feet
We walk the streets
Ramble amble everyday
It’s always been our
Quirky way,
People we meet and greet
Are sometimes nice
And sometimes rude,
Sometimes they wish
They were like
us
Walking with out
A care in
the ****.

On the titanic
When it sunk
I was in middle class
Sleeping in
a cold bunk.
People screaming
But could not
Hear a thing
The music played
On with  that woman
Who couldn’t sing,
In my room sat
My ghost upon a shelf
Being scared full of dread
I had been hallucinating
I’d been drinking
and wet the bed.

Swam so deep
Inside your tears
Finally we parted
After 27 years,
We rambled thousands
Of miles into
Each others heart
There was lots of love
And lots of pain.
So we strolled
Silently back again,
After 27 years
No tears were shed
So we slept alone
Quietly in our own beds.
Love had gone it’s
Separate ways
But after 15 years
I still miss her today.

Woke up this morning
Thinking this and that
Then in strolled
the family cat
with *****
great rat.
Sat down for breakfast
I was eating
this and that,
Cat was licking its lips
After eating
the ***** rat.
On went the radio to
Listen to the tunes
On came my favourite
99/red balloons.
Cat relaxing on her
favourite seat waiting
for the tune called
tiger feet,
Midday came
Midday went
It was my birthday
So time to receive
The present
My wife had
brought me
A lovely
horned goat
The cat just smiled
And left
with its hat
and coat.

The philosophy of life
Is knowing why
We eat
We poo
We will surely die
Old Chinese proverb
Told by my dad
Man who cooks
Cabbage and peas
In same ***
Must be
Stark raving mad.

Gingerbread man
Gingerbread man
Running hundred
Metres as fast as
You can
Up to the winning line
He tripped
He gave a cough
And his head fell off.
Tragedy for the
Gingerbread man
His head falling of
Wasn’t in his plan,
Crossed the line
Ginger had finished
The race
Not before the dog
Ran on and ate
His tasty face.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I would rather
Bonk a pig
Than make love
To you
I think the missus
She hit me of course
Now the cow is filing
For a divorce.
Still I see
romance ain’t dead
So I shot the pig
And ate it instead.

Pretty day
Pretty night
Pretty ladies
Pretty sight
Pretty twins
Pretty dark
Pretty light
Pretty will
Pretty won’t
Pretty do
Pretty don’t
Pretty boyfriend
Pretty girlfriend
Pretty happy
Pretty sad
My two daughters
Have sent
me happily mad
Home is like a
Shakespeare play
Wouldn’t have it
Any other way.

Not very lucky
Feels like life’s a fake
Everybody is
against me,
It’s like
sliding down
A razor blade
Using my testicles
As brakes.

High on happy Mondays
Tuesday morning coming down
Wednesday Thursday flying
Im just Cathy’s clown
Friday rocking
she’s still gentle
on my mind.
Saturday Sunday girl
To whom Im never blind.

We are going to
To the sun in
A paper plane
People at the
Air station
Thought we were
Insane
My mate Fred said
When the time is right
The sun is cooler
We will fly at night,
Will pack some water
It might get hot we
Will wear just underpants
Sandals and socks,
Time for take off
Sunward bound
You guessed it
We didn’t even
get of the
Ground.
Next excursion of
to mars
In a biscuit tin
But first we
Must eat all the
Contents within.

Walking into
wonderland
An awesome
battlefield
Where poppies
and daises grow
Dead bodies
Are it’s yield
Walking into
Wonderland
Soldiers
Panic freeze
Bullets breaking
Lonely flesh,
Doing it with ease.
What is all this madness
Do we get a prize,
In this wonderland it’s
The ground you have
Fertilised .

Caught the 707
Pan Am plane
We took of speedily
Up into the rain
Flying along
In the sky so blue
There’s where my
Luck changed
when I met you.
Passenger sitting
In seat number 1
Oozed class and style
So I sat in seat number 2
Sat there for awhile.
She looked at me
Weirdly then asked
If I was stupidly inane
She said get out of the **** pit
Im trying to fly this plane.
Then this man came in
Wearing a braided hat
I said I am sorry
for this wrongful mishap.

Mornings come
Mornings go
Nights thinking
Nights slow
Mornings hurt
Mornings blue
Nights empty
Since I lost you.
Mornings our now
Just mornings
Nights are
Just a drone
The thoughts of you
Now I sleep alone.
Weeks turn to months
Months turn to years
Lost so lost amongst all
My lonely fears.
So as the stars dim
Slowly for you above
I will always miss you
My sweet love.

Homeless homeless
Nails in my feet
Don’t have any goals
Which I have to meet
Razor blades razor blades
Etching sadness in my mind
Looking for someone
Who has not turned blind.
Kindness kindness
Go’s a country mile
Im so happy just
To get a smile.
My roads are empty
Don’t need a shell
It’s only the cold weather
That makes life hell.

Sailing round
The world
In a tin bath
Me and Fred
Thought it
Would be
A crazy laugh.
We put in a mast
We made a sail
Bloke in the
Yacht club
Said we were
doomed to fail,
All the sailors
Just Stood in awe
When we set of
we had forgotten
The oars.
This didn’t
Dampen our mood
Then Fred popped up
And said
We haven’t  packed
The food,
Hip hip hooray
From the jetty cries
Hundred yards out
Yes you guessed it
We -ucking capsized

Green Green
grass of home
Out in the garden
Lived a thousand
Gnomes
Everyone I
gave a name
Now let’s play
The naming game,
Million pound jackpot
If you can name them all
Send a text or give
My mate a call.
3 pounds a text
10 pounds a call
See me in
London Town market
I have a stall.
Green Green
Grass of home
Named one
David Bowie
The laughing gnome.

Wow it’s shocking
Made me unstable
1000 volts went
Through this cable
My
Electrician
name is
A mickhead
called Doug,
Me I was
Just
a three pin plug.

Days aren’t available
Nights Im scraping by
Longing for the moment
To fade away and die
I was a proud man
Stature no to shabby
This whole
dying thing
Makes me
So very
unhappy.
I don’t want
any pity
We must
all see
I just want
to die
With -ucking dignity.

For forty days
And forty nights
My lover ran of
Out of sight.
I said was it
Because of the rain
She said no you
******* your
A ****** pain.

Making sense
Of your lies
They  just tare
me apart
Your my man
My lovely man
You live inside
My heart
Don’t lie to me
If you don’t care
I will love you
Everywhere.
I don’t know
Why lovers cry
I suppose
it’s because of
All those
little lies.

Tree of dreams
Tree of love
Tree of life
Tree of drugs
Tree of anguish
Tree of desire
Tree of anxiety
Tree of aspire
Tree of emotion
Tree of hurt
Tree of devotion
Tree called Bert.

Lovely woman
Of a million suns
All the
planets cower,
This lonely earth
is covered
In hate,
Please takeaway
And devour.
Lovely woman
Of a million suns
I am but a beginner
Could you see it
For me to pick a
Horse’y winner.
Lovely woman
of a million suns
Your mightiness
Is true
Could it be possible
For me to make
Love to you.
We be an item
have
Thousands more
suns
Now who
could refuse
All that burning fun.

My sweet lady of the night
Send me into the morn
You took me to the limit
Took me higher than before
Loving you is easy
It takes the way the pain
Stopping all the bad thoughts
Which are imprinted
On my brain.
My sweet lady of the night
Thoughts of you i smile
Bring me back down from heaven
And close your pearly gate.
I’ve got work tomorrow
And I am going to be
****** late.

Mr Dali
A painter of note
Painted
Something
That looked
like a goat.
Talented geezer
Obscure painting
He did
Then he would
Sell them
For a million quid.
I painted something
So Obscure they stuck
Me in a institution
While they found a cure.
The Beatles
wrote about
A dream
of all
the world
Living peacefully
in a yellow
Submarine.
I wrote what I
Thought was a
wonderful song
Meaning of the lyrics
Was taken out
of context
I got it
all Wong.
Tried my best at what I did
Beatles and Dali
Were plainly tip top ish.

Gary Sprake
Stopped the goals
And did make
loads of mistakes.
Paul Reaney
Paul madely
We’re clever
full backs
Centre half was a
Tall Player ,a genius
called
Jack.
Norman Hunter
Would bite your leg
While Billy Bremner
Was a midfielder
To remember.
General Giles
Sniffer Clarke
Deadly duo
A pair of sharks
**** Jones
Eddie gray
Boy these footballers
they could play.
Peter Lorimer
Could tie you
in knots a great player
With a thunderbolt shot.

Bill and Ben
A couple of
Gay men
Like to smoke
Some ****
They liked
Their pots
Gave ******
A shot.yes
They did
Indeed.

Bill and Ben
A couple
of dead men
There pots
They did
Bleed
Bill and Ben
A couple
Of gay men
Should have
stayed with
****.

80 years on from
A terrible plight
Footballs tribalism
Still ain’t got it right.
Hatred is hatred
What happened
To the Jews
May one day might
Happen to you.
Colour of the shirt
Colour of your skin
No matter what
Religion
Hate creeps in.
Religion tribalism
Is it in the shirt
Think about the
People who get
-ucking hurt.
80years on from
A terrible plight
Fascism is growing
This can’t be right.
Humans are stupid
Hatred will not cease
Because there’s no
Profit in ****** peace.

What was I doing
Im so abhorred
I went and
brought a
Taylor
Swift record.
Don’t get me wrong,
She puts on a great
show
Buying her
records
No No No No
I think I was transfixed
By her lovely red lips.
Piercing eyes
I brought that record
And
I don’t know
why.

We were in our shed
Me and my mate
We were making a bomb,
When The bomb went of
It was just our fate.
The bomb created
Lots of harm
We Both lost
legs and
And both
our arms.
For being stupid
The reward for
Me and my mate
We Got a jobs
as paper weights.

Being blinkered
Ain’t much fun
Apparently
Helps me
When I run
On go’s me saddle
Jockey jumps on
The tape go’s up
Then Im gone.
This jockey must
Think I’m dense
I ain’t jumping
That -ucking fence
That little ****
Whipped me from
Behind
Jumped that fence
Really quite fine.
Three miles of
Jump jump jump
Im getting ****** of
I got the right ****,
Over the the last
Well in front
So I decided to part
Company
With this little runt.
I stopped
the dye
Was cast
Shut up shop
I Came in last.

A little known
Boxing match
Once took place
It started slowly
Then picked up pace.
Punches were thrown
Some would hit
Punches were thrown
Some would miss
Ducking and diving
Heads would kiss.
Fighting couldn’t
get better
Than this.
This little known
Boxing match
We  both
ended
up battered
what
A mess,
He called
me a *******
When I took
his castle
Isn’t great
fun when
playing a
game
Called chess.

Three amigo’s
Knife
Fork
And spoon
Travelled to space
In a big  red balloon.
Huddled together
Wasn’t much room,
For the three amigo’s
Knife
Fork
and spoon.

Up into space
In that big red balloon
The three amigo’s
Knife fork and spoon
We’re  not the first
to walk on the moon.

This was
a moment
A spacial gate,
See
The first steps
on the moon
We’re done
by a
Big soup dish
And a
dinner plate.

Powers to be
Decided
to give
Me
an OBE
For my services
To Charity.
This award
I had
To dispute
Because Charity
A lady of the
Night was
A local
*******.
Powers to be
Sometimes
Get it wrong
So I gave
Charity the
Well earned
Gong.

Lying on the floor
Naked wearing
Only a pork pie hat,
The first thing
I thought you can
do better than that.
Hour glass figure
Hair in rollers
With your style
My lovely
You should be
Wearing a bowler.

What came next
You guessed it
I didn’t have ***
And do all that
I was hungry
And ate the hat.

Lots of numbers
Lots of speech
Gone to places
Where most
Can’t reach
Pictures in
My memory
Im at the
Bottom of
The sea
Coup up inside
A pocket
Never feeling free.
I know that
You don’t care
Because our secrets
You do share.
In my shell
It’s just all a drone
Being your
mobile phone.

Drinking my
Millionth
Bottle of rye
Ten thousand
Years old
I cannot die
One year I caught
Small pox it
Still didn’t
Put me in
a wooden box.
The French
They chopped
Me head straight
off
They new it
was stupidly wrong
Then my mum went
And Sewed it straight
Back on.
A vampire drained
Me body of all
my blood
Still wouldn’t die
Even if I could.
Please can someone
Have an idea
I don’t want to live
Another year.
If I can’t it’s only time
I will have to drink
A lot more wine.

Call my dog
Broken glass
Because he is
always
Licking his
****** nose.

Had a little budgie
Thought it was
A canary
This little non
Yellow bird
We called our Fred

Had a big cat
Furry and pink
When it shat
It would ******
Well smell
like odour
Cologne.
Nurse nurse where are you
It’s not me it’s disturbing
Be grateful lunatic
I’m coming to get you
Okay you heartless *****
Give me a kissy mummy.

Mummy said to me
Don’t upset an even flow
Your learn to hate
It’s just so.
If you learn to hate
There is no finish
There is no start
Just a circle
To a broken heart.

Just watched a film
The Battle of Verdun
Where the
French and the Germans
Looked like they
We’re having fun.
Lots of fireworks
Brightening
Up the sky
Then I realised
They were there
To die.
Who in there right
Minds come up with
These  horrors,
People never knowing
Their Tomorrows.
They didn’t learn
From the Somme
Really O,Riley
Humans are dumb.

I got a pet hippo
It’s all the rage
I keep in the bath
In a vey small cage.

I got a ten foot ant
It’s six foot wide
I take to the park
It likes the slide

I got a pet giraffe
It has no neck
It goes on cruises
Likes the **** deck

I got a pet hyena
Loves to play guitar
Loves women’s clothing
High heels and a bra.

I got a pet crocodile
It’s never ever happy
Always grumpy
Forever ****** snappy.

Twenty dogs two hundred cats
I don’t know how they
Live in my one bedroom flat.
Lucky lucky I can’t smell
And I don’t really care
I try my best
But there’s **** everywhere.

A man and his dog
Came into the pub
for
A Pint
of beer
And a bit
of grub.
After his meal
gave his mouth a wipe
Told the locals that
His dog wasn’t the
Obedient type.
If anyone here
Can make my dog
To adhere
you
win 50 pounds
and
A keg of beer.
The challenge
a cost you a pound
And a pint of beer
All the locals tried
The dog would
not adhere,
Saturday night
A man came in
Looking gaunt
Rather thin
Took up the challenge
With voice so soft
Picked up the
Unsuspecting dog
Threw it on the fire
And said now get off.
The man won his fifty
And his keg of beer
The dog got away
with just
a burnt ear
Man getting drunk
giving it large,
Lucky the dog
named lucky
Dropped the cruelty charge.

In my uniform
Proud as punch
Serving the
Well to do
To an exquisite
lunch.
Second course
I got ready to serve
Then disaster hit
We collided with
A berg.
Feeling unlucky
Rather sick
Serving customers
On the titanic.

My life was not full
I was about to start
My shift at a
Nuclear plant
They call Chernobyl.

Unlucky me
From a job
I wouldn’t cower,
Just got a cleaning job
At one of the twin towers
My shift was about to
Begin
Thats when those
Planes came in.

Im unemployed
It’s going to stay
That way.
Im taking up
Golf so I
can live
Another day.

Sweet pea
You look
So forlorn
She replied
it’s the death
Of the last
Unicorn.

To people who
Read my doggerel rhymes
And ask me time from time
And by e mail ask to respond,
I don’t have anything
Intelligent to say
I do apologise
It’s just the way.

The devil and I
Are saying goodbye
We’re calling it a day,
Life’s gone colourless
Life’s gone grey
Me and the devil
Have nothing to say.
The world spins
Around my ego
No halo on my head
Our relationship
Is so
pleasingly dead.
I’m of to pastures knew
Holding my hand didn’t
Know what to do
Guess what inside
another
Devil grew,
This Devil inside
Ruined all my fun
With catastrophic
Outcome
Blew my
head of
With his
own gun.
The devil and I
have
said our
Last goodbyes.

Me and me cat
At a loose end
Her persistent
Meowing
Sending me
Round the bend.
I’ve got me
Hat
I’ve got me coat
Moving to a farm
To live with a goat.
Settled down
On the farm
Then one day
Heard my cats meow
Aghast it was coming
From all the cows
This is true
A matter of fact
I am being haunted
By my lonely cat.
Meow meow  
All the cows said
So with
the farmers
Gun I shot
them dead.
Farmhouse was beckoning
The end of this story wrote
Sat down with a cup of tea
Meow meow went the
****** goat.

Down and out
Walking about
Idly road into road
Taking in the views
I don’t need an abode.

Sitting in font of a
Shop window is
Not for me,
My view
is what I do.

Sights and sounds
The enigma of stone
I walk these islands
Never alone.

The roads
And the hills
Are my family
The more I wander
The more I see.

Into the cities
Into the towns
Lovely people
With rutted frowns,
Hustling cars
Not going far,
Noisy sounds
Coming from bars,
All this **** will
Leave me
****** scarred.