It's eight o'clock in the morning and I'm running down stairs.
I'm about to tell you it's my sixth birthday.
I'm so excited and I jump on your stomach and tug lightly at your eyelids.
Then next thing you know I'm thirteen and I'm in this whole edgy thing you don't understand. But you still buy me goofy studded belts and depressing romance novels. We still sit in the living room every Sunday. Eating scrapple and watching Jerry Springer.
Then I'm fourteen.
You are getting sicker but I try to just ignore it.
I start to cut myself because I don't know what else to do. Built up guilt I guess because now I can't even be around you. I don't want you to see me so sad
Do you remember when I was little.
We played candy land and you bought me chocolate and marshmallows.
Mom mom was ****** because she didn't want me riled up but you didn't care as long as I was smiling.
Months go by and you get worse.
You got put in the hospital.
The cancer is killing me in the heart as much as it's killing you in the liver.
A few weeks then my mother tells me I have to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye to you. You were the best Pop pop anyone could ask for. I didn't say goodbye. Instead I told you I loved you so much. And I always will. And within hours. You were gone. I started smoking. I didn't want to feel like giant gaping hole you left behind.
And it's still there.
Four year later.

If I bloom will I be able to see.
Will I see the precident sight that I've been longing for
With the taste of the past riding my shoulders. Yet the future is pushing me into oblivian. The choice I have made and is it worth it at all. I can't leave you behind but I must take you with me. I love you but yet I want to hate you. How is that possible? How can it be that I long for your embrace but at the same moment I wish to be a great distance apart. For nothing makes sense and my mind is confused. Always confused.
Everyday is another conflict.
A war of indecisiveness within my head.
For you are always the root of my never ending confusion.

A light stroke on my shoulder.
The bird that flutters in my ear.
That whispers words of affection
It caress the very inner core of my fragile heart.
One can not whither at the sight of a new opportunity.
But simply absorb the experience and watch the flower of love bloom. Ignorance is not bliss.
Strive for the ones who change your mind.
Who make your lips quiver and your body tense with excitement.
Don't ignore the strong pull toward that person.
Embrace it and let the happiness flow within you.

The flower once said to the tree "When will my beauty be shown?"
A subtle answer with a seasonal change.
All the flowers are in bloom and spring has arrived.
The flower still repeats a previous asked question. "When will my beauty show?"
The tree still as silent as the dark lonely nights.
The flower is screaming at the tree
Frustrated with greedy thoughts of pure narcissistic nature.
After hours of pleading and screeching at the tree the tree spoke.
His words were hollow and heart peircing.
"Never." He whispered.
For the flower had been so consumed by psyhical beauty it had abandoned thought of internal beauty.
The flower distraught at the tree's harsh words the flower began to whither.
Until all that was left of the flower was crunchy petals and dried up leaves.

One day in the fifth grade I awoke and decided I didn't like my face anymore.

Then a year later, I came home from school crying because I was bullied for being fat.

I began to feel as though I was a waste of space. Unworthy of friends or love, quite frankly living or existing at all.

I decided to turn to self mutilation to fill the empty uneasy hole that had manifestated in my heart.

I felt short term solice for long term feelings. My arms, then my legs. A few on my thighs and wrist. A problem erupted from my dark demons that ruled the kingdom that reigned my head.

A year went by and I met someone who I thought I loved dearly. But to my mistake I only loved their sorrow and was attracted to the despair they had that was quite similar to my own.

It ended and a shining sun opened up for me. My wounds had healed to little white scars. My heart had never felt so swayed in my life. All thanks to yet another man. Who I instead loved for their light and smile. They brought out the best in me.

That also came to a sudden close. For the man was but a boy and even to this day is filled with confusion of his future. I went spiraling down from my throne into the depths of the deep ocean floor. My old cuts and slices re opened and blood filled the whole sea.

I met a dear friend that held the fort down and kept me as sane as possible that year. I turned to him as well. To fill that hole that was still so empty. Yet again only to realize I was wasting my time. Forcing myself to be with someone in order to not be alone.

Then senior year came and I finally had realized something. This battle with myself cannot be won by filling that hole with someone else. I have to get my own dirt from the ground and fill it myself.

The pain I feel is my pain that I have to fix. No one else can heal me or win this on going battle. I have to learn to love myself. To stop trying to see what everyone else see's in me. To discover who I really am.

No other lover is going to do all those things. No one can but myself. I cannot truly love anyone until I learn to love myself.

This battle still isn't over and I have plenty of time to fight. But it's a beautiful blood bath and I am willing to draw my sword until I have reached victory.

Yet after all these three years
You are still on my mind late at night. Call me crazy for still being in love.
Infatuated with someone so twisted and currupt. A person in my life who tore all my walls down and left me naked. For some reason I still cannot help myself. Maybe it's the memories of our daunting past. No, it can't be. I love who you are now. Broken and hopeless and even alone. Even with the world all turned against you. I still love you the same. Smiling or crying, or screaming in my face. I know there are other guys lining up at my door. But I don't care, because they don't matter. It's only you. It's always been you. You probably won't even glance at this little piece of mind I'm sharing. Sigh,  I probably sound bat **** crazy. But I can't get over you. So if by chance you hear me singing. Please make it to my door and tell me you don't feel the same way anymore. Then I swear to god I will walk away. But until that day, I will keep fighting. It's what I do. Because through every single thing. I still am hopelessly in love with you.

In my brain, deeply embedded lies a single strand of memories. Perhaps a few months or of course, a year long strand of memories. Float past me on this meloncholy night in boats of alcohol and none stop regret. Slightly grazing my cortex is then constant image of your face. One I know so well but I try so hard to forget. How does one simply wipe away our past? Our love? Our laughter? Our long lustful nights? When I see you now it's as if all of that never took place. That me and you are complete strangers that never meet. I hate knowing that I have traced every single inch of your body. I've loved you unlike I have loved any other. Yet simply we can neve be and all those memories are useless and wasted. As much as I would pray to forget those moments spent with you. They will bring warmth eternal.