I am lonely, not lonely

the choice up to now
has been mine

I will slip away
(at will)
into the recesses
of small shops
of empty rooms
or quiet spaces

to avoid her touch
or his gaze
or their judgement
our subconscious desires.

But all swallowed up

deep in the belly
of fog, of smoke
a vast, impenetrable

night sky

suddenly the
all-encompassing fear
grips me

washes over
so suddenly

I realize
I have not lived at all

that I am
suddenly
(forcibly)
the only one left.

Down a long, winding road
that trudges on endlessly
into the fading silhouette of trees
and broken sidelines

dim headlights

I am lonely, not lonely.

I'm finding you in the snow again
and I can't seem
to stop
chewing on
my bottom lip

in worry
out of habit

I don't know anymore

Some slightly chapped "I love you"s
"I'm sorry"s, and "I need you"s
curl around my ugly Midwest winter;
drift in and out of the sleeves of my coat
and the skeletons of these poor trees
dust-colored oak leaves
shivering boxelder branches
("Acer negundo...")

I want to sleep, just like them
Breathe backwards
Keep still
Rooted firmly
Nice, calm, steady

But I can't

I'm still waiting
(somewhat impatiently)
To pluck your, "I'm here now, love."
Your, "It's okay."
Your, "Kiss me?"
Right from your mouth

Before you can even say it.

There once was a little mouse
Asleep in his own little house
Cosy in his own little bed
On his pillow is his little head

Dreaming of getting past the cat
Creeping past with pitter pat
Trying not to give away a sneeze
Climb up and steal the cheese

Because that cheese is so yummy
So nice in his little tummy
Has to be quick and brisk
When he awakes, he will take the risk

you came out rosie
and turned to blue

shots to immunize...
shocked the health out of you..

sharp corner called
your toddlers tender lip

invincible, you flew  
shoulder met earth
half way round  
hard into the cold ground

meningitis settled in
lymes not far behind
both with fevers and
lots of tears...thought we
might lose you at 9

3 concussions within 2 years
being pulled off the hill
snow packed up to your ears
                      
daddy went to prison
anguish and pain
forced your decision
To become so thin

running through corn fields
dazed and confused..
up for 3 days, don't 'member
what'd been done to you

boyfriend deals..big guy in town
love him so much
you go down..
2 federal offenses..is he still around?

attempted ****** and ****
left you damaged beyond
all so overwhelming
you look for ways to drown
anything to block the pain
you twirl round and round and round

got pulled back from
the edge last night.
a needle in your arm
announced dead till
policeman felt you warm...

Oh My Darlin
Oh My Sweet
Such a Beautiful Soul trying to
Fly Free
I Call to Your Perfect Self..
Come Back
Please Come Back
Please Come Back to Me**


Copyright © 2014 Christi Michaels
All Rights Reserved.

* * * *
tonight I leave love
everything I held dear

tonight I leave hope
there is nothing more
for me here

finally free
memories of tenderness
reminders of how
our love could be

I see my path open beyond 
boundaries of you and me
finally understanding
that I am worthy

of loving myself
more than I have loved you.
believing in all that I am
knowing complete
have done all I can do

fresh breeze
brings me to this place
To be filled with
strength and grace

no longer will I cower
to your displeasure
now holding my self
as my greatest treasure

pain still fresh..
sap dripping from my heart
will harden now
In defence of my pride
hurt and sorrow.

new paths unfold
before my breath
mists part so I may rest
my tender being
for this night
I await fresh pain
upon daylight

I seek strength complete
to guide me thru
this inevitable act
of leaving you


Copyright © 2014 Christi Michaels.
All Rights Reserved.