One of the hardest things to do in life
is to learn how to let go
You learn to cry in private
and a fake smile is all that you show
To live your life with a broken heart
is not so easy to do
You keep going to ease the pain
you try to do what is best for you
Letting go is one of the bravest things I have ever done
When I let go I slowly start to see that a new chapter has begun
I do my best to go out, have fun
push my pain to the side
When I'm alone I hurt again
all I can do is cry
Loving someone who does not love you back
that takes a lot of guts
You think things, you say things
you do things other people think is nuts
But when you're with that special person
it doesn't matter what others think
You be yourself, you enjoy the moment
you forget about making mistakes
Love is so beautiful to me
it challenges you in many ways
You learn how to respect others
even when you're having bad days
Love is a gift that brings out the best in you
Sometimes love is letting go so others can be happy
even though it is the hardest thing to do

Sometimes I feel like I'm being buried alive
I try to get out of the hole I'm in and every time I feel like I'm making progress
I get pushed further into a hole
Maybe I'm going crazy and this is just the start of it
maybe I'm just worrying too much and I need to take a step back and focus on the main problem
I feel helpless and ignored when I feel,this way
like I'm screaming and no one wants to hear me
Maybe I don't need help
I'm just scared to trust myself
I know I will get through this but after this comes happiness
and happiness scares the **** out of me.

They say life is a book you write yourself.
Well the story I have so far deserves to be burned until every memory that has been documented explodes to pieces never to be traced again.

I am not a perfect angel.
My hair has a mind of it's own no matter what I do to fix it,
my teeth are not perfectly straight,
I don't have a body like the Victoria Secret models you see in magazines,
I tend to shake when speaking in front of a crowd but put me in front of 50,000 people and tell me to sing and I can do that without any probelms or fear.
I don't like being alone,
I don't like sleeping bt myself,
I smoke cigarettes as a way to stay strong when I'm stressed out,
I don't sleep when I should I find reasons to stay awake,
I take 2 hour showers and sometimes all I do is sit there and cry that way no one can hear me,
I feel safe when I wear something that belongs to a friend,
when I walk that's when I dream about my future,
food is never a priority for me I go days without eating and not even notice,
When I do sleep I fall asleep to a different movie every night to keep me from thinking too much,
my feelings get hurt easy.
music is my drug,
I don't tell anyone my birthday because I don't like it when people make a big deal about the day I was born,
I purposely wake up to sit outside early in the morning just to watch the sun rise,
I collect anything that involves the bands Mayday Parade and One Direction,
I'm always worrying about ******* somebody off,
depression is my struggle,
I got scars that aren't pretty,
I have mood swings you wouldn't believe,
I believe in the impossible,
if i had to give up my heart just so someone could live I would do it without hesitation,
I take love very seriously,
I curse a lot,
I get annoyed when people don't do what I ask them to do,
I don't like being controlled,
and writing is my way of coping with anything good or bad.
I have a hard time letting things go and I sometimes let people walk all over me because I love them too much.
I'm not perfect.
I don't try to be.
I just want to be me.
I want to be loved and accepted for me.

I don't know what to think
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to feel
I'm upset that you went away.
You died without any warning
I didn't even get to say goodbye
I feel so much guilt over the fight we had
now all I do is cry
I was supposed to go first
my ashes belong around your neck
here I sit holding your ashes
and I just want you back.
All the memories I have of you
I can't make disappear
I walk the streets we used to run
and I wish on the stars that you were still here.
What do I do know?
Where do I go from here?
You were my source of confidence
without you all I have is fear.
How do I live without you?
How do I sleep without the beating of your heart?
How do I get over your death
when I can't stop falling apart?

If you were to tell me seven years ago
I'd be as happy as I am now
I would have laughed in your face
and asked you "How?"
If God hadn't taken control of certain situations
and just left me all alone
I probably wouldn't be here right now
listening to my favorite song
If I hadn't given up cutting
would I still be alive
or would my teenage wish come true
to go through with suicide?
Life is full of what if's
but there's one thing I've learned
it's okay to not have all the answers
things always happen as they should

She didn’t want trips to the salon, fancy birthday parties, expensive clothes and red carpet photo shoots. She wanted you. She wanted your time. She wanted your eyes to not just see her but really see her for more than just her beautiful figure. She wanted to laugh with you, she wanted to sit in silence with you as she listened to your heartbeat through your shirt because no other sound in the world could compare to the music your heart made. She wanted coffee on the front porch, not a starbucks latte, she wanted to make her own funny videos not watch comedies in a movie theater. She could’ve had anyone and she chose you. In the end you threw her away. Getting drunk with your friends was more important. Getting laid by the girl all your friends slept with once or twice was more important. Throwing your life away for drugs was more important. You complain about not having an honest woman. You complain about not having someone who cared, someone who treated you as if you were the most important thing in the universe. You had that. You threw it away and for what? That last drink, that last ****, that last pill, that last party where everyone is so ****** up they can’t remember ****. Was it really worth it?

Sometimes when I’m at the river all I do is hope.
I hope for greatness not just for me but fior everyone I know.
I hope I’m still friends with the people that I’m friends with at 18 when I’m 35.
I hope I get a phone call in the future from a friend saying “Hey I just had a baby” instead of “Dude my mom died.”
I hope when I’m a Mom my daughter doesn’t go through all the ******* I had to go through when I was a kid.
I hope to fall in love and be with one man for the rest of my life without worrying about another broken heart.

I am standing in the bathroom
with a razor in my hand
My face is covered in tears
I want this pain to end
My chest is pounding hard, it hurts to breathe
I am slowly losing my mind
If I cut just once the pain will ease up
and in a few minutes I will be fine
I do not want to be fine this time
I just want to be dead
I am tired of always faking a smile
as evil voices fill my head
There is nothing left for me here
except for disappointments and unhappiness
No one cares if I live or die
so ***** it, I am going to do this
I cut my vein in the perfect spot
I drop the razor on the floor
Blood starts pouring out of me
I am not feeling pain anymore
I fall to the ground with my eyes closed
curling up to my knees
I let myself bleed to death
as I enter an eternity of peace

I've been wanting to **** myself for a long time
I just don't have the guts to do it
I've thought of ways to die as I lay in bed at night
but I keep telling myself to forget it
I listen to my heartbeat as I fall asleep
and pray to God that it stops eventually
yet no matter how many times I plead and beg for death
I still waked up to my ****** up reality
I'm waiting for the day I take my last breath
so the world will realize what they lost
I want people to ******* notice I'm hurting
I wish I had a remote that puts the world on pause
I'm walking in circles not getting anywhere
and it is eating away at me like moth's on dead flesh
I sit on my bed with a cigarette in my hand
realizing my time to go hasn't come just yet
I want to rip out my hair
so the ugliness on the inside will show on the outside
I want to scream until my vocal cords rip apart
so I didn't have to speak to another life
I want to throw up everything that eats me alive
I want to stop crying all the time
I want to run away and never come back
that way no one has to hear me whine
I want to stop being so overwhelmed
I want my head to stop huritng
I wish this pain would disappear
I want to stop feeling like I'm constantly dying.

She was sitting on the roof of her house
in 40° weather just looking at the stars
and enjoying the stillness of the Winter night
He sat down next to her
admiring her beauty under the moonlight
and he smiled to himself as he imagined himself kissing her cheek
He has loved this girl for years
yet timing was never on his side
He cleared his throat and asked her
"you thinking about your future soul mate?"
She looked at him and answered
"I don't believe in soul mates anymore"
Her answer shocked him
She was always the hopeless romantic
She was always the one who still held on to hope
even when her heart felt like it was in a million pieces
She continued to be the dreamer
Even when everyone else told her she was silly
to believe in the ridiculous things
Trying his best not to let her see his shock he asked her
"since when do you not believe in soulmates?"
She was quiet for a second then answered
"I stopped believing in soul mates once I came to the conclusion
that I do much better on my own
All of the love I gave to other men it was either never enough
or too much and I'm tired of trying to figure out
the right way to love someone only to get dumped
over and over again
I'm not playing the pity card
I'm just being honest
I don't believe I have a soul mate
and I'm okay with that
I'm less likely to get disappointed now"
He sat next to her wishing he could tell her
how much he loved her
He adored how she looked when she woke up in the morning with her messy hair and no makeup on
He loved how she smelled of roses even on a rainy day
and how he felt like he was home every time he hugged her
Hearing all that she said he felt hurt
He felt rejected even though he had no reason to
He looked at her once more and said
"I really hope your belief on soul mates comes back one day"
With a half smile she looked at him and said "me too"
She went back to looking at the stars
and he continued to admire her beauty under the moonlight
The more he stared at her the more he fell in love

I am different in many ways
I don't expect you to understand
I'm sad when I'm happy
I'm happy when I'm mad
I have days where I can be myself
and days when I can't
There are days when I get so upset
that I become a person even I don't understand
I get so emotional
that I could drown in my tears
I can't seem to let go of the baggage that I have been carrying around for years
I get so frustrated because good times never last
I wish the world would just freeze
because it's moving way too fast...

I feel myself falling
with everything I do
you broke my heart once again
I can't stand the pain you put me through
I feel myself losing it
it's even happening in my dreams
with each hour that passes I fall even further
Please tell me what this means?
I can't take the pressure I'm under
why is this happening to me?
I wish I could run away and never come back
why can't people just let me be?
you said you would never hurt me
you said that you needed me too
now that I'm sinking I'm drowning alone
and no one can save me but you
I'm ready to just give up on everything
I'm sick of crying myself to sleep at night
I stand in the shower numb as ice
deciding if I should continue this fight
the way I feel no one can understand
so I suffer here in silence
I smile as if everything is okay
but really inside I'm dying
I wish I could walk and never stop
I wish these scars would fade away
I wish this battle that I have with myself
didn't take up so much of my day
I wish I was a different person
I wouldn't be putting up with this ****
I wish I could get rid of this sadness
so I no longer have to deal with it.

One thing I have learned about break ups is once you face the fact that the relationship is over, you free yourself from the denial that is actually causing you more pain than the break up itself.

Why are we always fighting

why are we always so mean

why do we constantly put each other down

doesn’t our relationship mean anything?

Why do we make each other cry

why do we sneak around

why do we play each other like games

but act fine when friends are around?

Why can’t we be honest with each other

what happened to us

what happened to always being there for each other

what happened to our trust?

All we do is scream and yell

until one of us threatens to leave

then we end up with our hearts broken

this is all drama we both don’t need.

What can we do to fix this

what made us like this in the first place

sometimes I get so angry with you

I can’t even look at your face

But I love you way too much

to let all we have go down the drain

I am willing to fight for what we had

I will do practically anything!

I want us to be ourselves again

I want us to be happy

I want us to be how we used to be

when we would spend the whole day laughing

I want to look in your eyes again

and not have any doubts

I want us to get stronger together

because together is what love is all about.

I can’t do this on my own

you have to work with me

you have to admit your in the wrong too

if you expect to have a future with me

Until then I will stay strong and try to regain your trust

but behind this strong woman is a weakass girl

still asking “what happened to us?”

I do not want to be told I love you anymore
People say that way too much and half the time they do not even mean it
It is to the point that I do not even believe in that anymore
Instead of saying I love you
Tell me I complete you
Tell me I am perfect to you just the way that I am
Tell me that I matter to you
That would be enough

Be the one to always tell the truth. Don’t worry about losing friends, losing a lover, losing family or losing anything. When you tell the truth you open doors to many things. When you tell the truth people trust you and people have faith in you. No one wants to be friends with a liar, no one wants to be around someone they can’t trust and no one wants to spend their life with a liar. Being honest is always the best way to go. Lying leads to danger, deceite, heartbreak, drama, stress and the inability to have normal healthy relationships.

As I lay here and hold you close to me
all I keep thinking about is our goodbye
to think I have to let you go when the sun comes up
just kills me inside
I knew this day was coming
I just wish it didn't have to be today
I wish we could freeze time
that way you never have to go away
I never thought I could love another soul
until your kiss brought me back to life
every touch you blessed me with
just made you that much harder to resist
As my alarm goes off and you open your eyes
I hold back tears as you kiss my lips
I love you unconditionally my dear
I will always remember us being in love just like this

Sometimes I feel like dying
because I hurt so much inside
Sometimes I get so upset
that I contemplate suicide
Sometimes I want to cut
Sometimes I want to drown
Sometimes I want to overdose on pills
when no one else is around
Sometimes I wish I could die
just to see who would miss me
Who would want me alive again?
Who would shed a tear for me?
I wonder if I went away
who would want me back?
No one would give a ****
sometimes I believe that to be a fact
Sometimes I wish I could start my life over
I wish I could fix myself
Sometimes I wish I was in a coma
so i don’t have to face myself
I wish I could cut 1,000 times
and just bleed out all of my pain
Sometimes I wish I had a different mind
maybe then I wouldn’t be insane
Sometimes I wish I couldn’t feel
emotional pain I mean
I would never have to feel bad
my tears would never be seen
Sometimes I wish I could stop the world
just to catch my breath
right now I just want to sleep forever
and forget about life for a little bit

There is a life to start living. Go for it. ***** fear Jump in with both feet, go with the flow, be yourself and enjoy every minute of it. Fighting it won't get you anywhere. Embrace it like you would embrace a lover for all of it's flaws.

I count how many days you've been gone
and I can't help but cry
I wish every day for you to come back
on every star in the sky
You don't know how much I miss you
I just lay in bed all day
I can't bring myself to take a shower
because of the image in my head of you going away
I talk to you from time to time
but that doesn't make things easier
I wear your t-shirts just to feel closer to you
hoping that will be my broken heart's cure
Yet I still cry
as these thoughts race through my head
I stare at the picture of us
as I fall asleep in my bed
Why does it feel like my heart is breaking
more than it is healing
I guess the pain that I'm feeling
is my only reminder that you were ever real.

Cut my wrists
Make me bleed
Tell me I'm worthless
Push me down onto my knees
Make me cry
Make me mad
Give me your pain
so you're not hurting as bad
Take my life
Spit on me
Tie me down
Beat the crap out of me
Say what you want
I won't care
Stab me in the back
who cares anyway because life is never fair
Lie to me
Cheat on me
Knock someone up
Tell me you love me then break up with me
I no longer give a ****
Leave me alone
Take my friends
Tell them a bunch of lies
Let me grow old and die alone
I give up on my life

One thing I've learned about love is that it never stops
once you start loving somebody that love never goes away
even if the person you love is so mean to you
you can't help but love the person they used to be
It's hard to say "I Love You" to someone because you never know if that person loves you back
Love is a scary thing
it can break you, change you, strengthen you in ways you never thought possible
but once you fall in love and really see what love is you are never ever the same

Today I feel sick
I also feel very tired
All I want to do is sleep but I can't because my stomach hurts too much
I have no energy to do anything
I do not want to talk to anybody
I just want to sleep the day away but that is turning out to be impossible
Even as I write this my head is beginning to hurt
I have these headaches so much lately that it is hard to do anything
Sometimes I feel like a zombie because I force myself to live
otherwise I would just lay in bed and waste the day away
I feel like crap all of the time
maybe I am dying from a disease and do not know it
I am too scared to go to the doctor
so I live in pain and try my best to ignore it
Ignoring it does not help it just makes the problem worse
I do not know what I am going to do
I am running out of ways to deal with this
Maybe if I just pop a bunch of pills
I will be knocked out and pain free forever

I'm a very strong person
I can handle a lot
but sometimes I break down and cry
when I feel I've had enough
I can fake a smile like most people
but I don't like to deny my pain
I'm not afraid to feel broken
I don't freak out from a little rain
I know everything happens for a reason
but I can't help to question my exsistence
sometimes I feel like I'm not meant to be here
I overwhelm myself with unanswered questions
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a dream
and no matter what I can't wake up
I get myself worked up for no reason
until I eventually throw up
No one understands what it's like
to live in a mind of racing thoughts
Sometimes I want to blow my brains out
just to shut the voices up
No matter what my strength always speaks for itself
I've come to terms with who I am
I'm proud to not be like everyone

When I think about forever
I think of being with you
I think of you always being by my side
through everything we may have to go through
I think of conquering our dreams together
and making each other smile
I think of us staying strong for each other
if distance separated us for awhile
I think of us being lovers and friends
who never give up on love
I think of us still being madly in love with each other
if one of us was taken above
I think of an amazing future
it is so exciting to see
When I think about forever
I think of you and me

I believe in the term "Anything Is Possible"
I believe you can make something positive out of a situation that is terrible
I believe that with hope and prayer lives can be saved
I believe that miracles happen each and everyday
I believe true love lasts forever even if you're young
I believe you become stronger when you don't listen to everyone
I believe in the goodness of people even after a broken heart
I believe that greatness is born after something falls apart
I believe you can still be a kid even though you grow up
I believe in dreams coming true if you do your best not to give up
I believe God has your back even though you can't see his face
I believe everyone is special despite their religion and their race
I believe in going to heaven after a person dies
I believe it is 100% okay to cry and not know why
I believe I can change the world
I know I can't do it on my own
I believe in friendships
I know that I am never alone

Have you ever seen something so beautiful
that it made you want to cry?
Have you ever felt so horrible
that it caused you to wanna die?
Have you ever been so angry
that you just lost all control?
Have you ever been so sad
that you couldn’t recognize yourself anymore?
Have you ever lost somebody
and you couldn’t say goodbye?
Have you ever done something so bad
and you don’t really know why?
Have you ever been so hopeless
that you just wanted life to end?
Have you ever wanted to run away
never to be seen again?

Right now I am thinking about you
I am wondering how you are
I wish I that I could see your face
I wish you weren't so far
I feel lonely without you
I miss the look on your face when you laugh
I miss taking funny pictures with you
while watching movies on good days that we have
I look at your picture on my wall
I wish I could just kiss you
I want to run up to you, jump into your arms
and tell you how much I miss you
I cannot wait until you come home
everyone here misses you
You're all that I talk about
because I love you
You're the best thing that has happened to me in a long time
you're everything I ever wanted
You love me unconditionally
always have since the day we started
I hope to see you again soon
that will be my Christmas wish
To see you, hold you and dance with you in the snow
as we share our New Years kiss

Have you ever felt like you were falling and you couldn't seem to stop?
You see the past flash before your eyes and you try to grab onto your favorite memory so you can cherish it forever but as you try to grab it the memory slips through your fingers like sand?
This fall has made you speechless.
It practically took your breath away.
You don't remember what made you fall, then again, you don't really want to know because you're afraid of what you will hear.
When I fall I can't control my landing.
It is either soft or it is painful.
Usually my fall ends with me lying in a black hole begging to be saved yet no one hears me.
I forget who I am so I let my mind slip away.
I lose track of everything until I am no longer the same.
My life is like a long fall sometimes.
Sometimes I land in death.
I can land in water and drown or land on a cliff busting my brains out.
I like the part when I die especially when I don't have to suffer.
Not only does the world make sense but that means that my fall is finally over.

In the year 1992
I met the love of my life
I had no idea that after 22 years of knowing each other
he would ask me to be his wife
We were friends on and off for quite some time
yet I had no idea that he was the one
it's rare to meet your future at a day old
but then again that's rare for anyone
Who would have thought that constant fighting
would bring us close in the end
I never thought that the one I used to hate
would lead me to fall in love with my best friend
Who knew that during a time of so much heartache
God would keep leading me back to you
you were there for everything
even if the minutes were only few
When I stop and think about the past 22 years
you have been around the entire time
to think that the one I wanted was right in front of me
just absolutely blows my mind
Our hearts connected so long ago
but we were both too blind to see
that I belonged to you
and you belonged to me
I think I've loved you all this time
but I was giving your love to someone else
when I should have been with you I was with him
even though he treated me like trash
but the past is over now, it's dead
there's not even a sign of it in the stars
all that matters is we are together now
from this moment forward the future is ours