Someone once told me that God didn't create humans
to walk the earth alone
He made us to come together as one with someone else
to grow and walk through life with
I've been around human beings since I took my very first breath
and honestly I still struggle to see why human interaction
is way better than loneliness
Being around people drains me sometimes
to the point I wish I didn't exist at all
Sometimes I wish I had the ability to numb myself
so I couldn't feel anything
Feeling leads you to make choices that only hurt you
in the end
Maybe it's because I am the black sheep in my family
and it's the golden rule that the black sheep is the one
that should be **** on periodically
Maybe I am just a gullible idiot for believing that for once
in my ******* life I can trust someone who will never let me down
Maybe I am insane for hoping and praying to be different
to do things different so I don't end up miserable and hating
every second of my life when I'm old
Maybe it's not other people
Maybe I am the one incapable of handling other human beings
because my whole life has been disappointment after disappointment
Maybe I am the problem
Maybe my constant fear of being shoved away like garbage
once a person sees my true colors is what causes me
to self sabotage anything good that comes my way
Maybe I do self sabotage my happiness
but maybe I wasn't meant for it
Maybe when I was born the Lord forgot to write my happy ending
where everything works out and I don't have to worry about
being let down anymore
Maybe I am finally realizing that all of the good
I had once believed in were just fantasies I cooked up in my head
as a little girl to cope with another beating I got for breathing too loudly
Maybe my fantasies were so great I actually lost my mind
by believing I deserve all of the things most people don't ever
dare to dream about
Maybe I am always going to be the one
who wishes she could be better
yet continues to ruin everything she touches
Maybe it's not other people who are a disappointment
Maybe it's me

I never said I was perfect so do not put words in my mouth
I am not perfect and I do not try to be
I have done things that were not good for me
I have hurt people
I have disappointed people
I have made the decision to change,
to turn my wrongs into rights,
to let go of things that have made me angry for so long,
just allow myself to heal and accept the fact that I cannot control everything
Behind every success story is a struggle
I do not talk about my problems to gain attention
I do it to let others know that they are not alone
Hopefully the stories I tell from my past inspire people in some way
I am as real as I can possibly get
To be perfect is just stupid because there is no such thing

I met a guy two years ago
he became my very best friend
we've been through hell and back together
but it feels like our friendship is coming to an end.
We've told each other things
that we normally keep inside
we've done things together that changed us
but we still stood by each other's side.
We fought, we yelled, we went separate ways
but we always managed to end up in the same place
he's the first person I go to when I'm upset
because he's good at putting a smile on my face.
We've cried, we've fallen but we did it together
we never left each other alone
we went from spending everyday together
to talking every once in a while on the phone.
I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him
it hurts to know he don't and won't ever feel the same way
as I think of all we have been through
I still love him more everyday
I do my best to move on
I spend my days hanging out with friends and laughing
but once I go home I begin to think of him
and I end up going to bed crying.
I've accepted the fact that I'm not the one
as days go by I keep thinking
no matter what I do, no matter where I go
my heart continues to keep breaking.
My life is changed forever
all because of this guy
everyone says I'm better off without him
but he's my best friend and they will never understand why.
I guess I can live without him
it's going to be really hard
I know that it's going to be a rough few days
especially when I fall apart
I have to be as strong as I can be
I have to do what's best for me
if he's meant to be in my life forever
then whatever is meant to be will happen eventually.

I used to be a different person
I used to never be this way
I was always angry and negative
and I cut after school each day
I was lonely and misreable
I never wanted to go  to school
I was so focused on what others said
simply because I wasn’t cool
I used to hate myself
the color black was my security blanket
whenever stress would come my way
I’d stay home because I couldn’t take it
I missed many days of school
because I was so depressed
I had no energy to take care of myself
so I always looked like a mess
It was really hard to become
the person I am today
I went from quiet and shy
to always having something to say
I went through a lot of challenges
some that I regret
but I have to remember to not take on so much
I’m not done healing just yet
life gets better everyday
that’s something that I’m grateful for
I’m happy that I’m alive
I don’t want to die anymore
Life is challenging of course
but I’m so ready for this ride
I’m ready to be who I really am
I’m no longer going to hide

I am so shaky right now
it is beginning to scare me
I am feeling dizzy and tired
I am not quite understanding what is happening to me
Maybe I am not getting enough sleep
Maybe I am really stressed
Maybe I am going crazy
Maybe this is a test
School is feeling like a prison
it takes everything I have to go
The heat is making me sick
I wish God would let it snow
The days seem so long
I just want to fade away
No matter how happy I am
I still get depressed everyday
I am losing all hope for myself
this battle is overwhelming
Despite all of the friends and family I have
none of them are helping
Suicide is a common thought
I even dream about it in my dreams
I mostly think about death
when I am having bad days like today
Hopefully my mood changes
I don't like wanting to die
The only thing I can do for now
is keep going and try not to cry

It’s eleven o'clock at night
I’m lying here awake
I’m thinking of all the mistakes I’ve made
and how they brought me to hate
the one and only person who always stood by my side
yet I pushed him away out of fear
now all I do is cry
how could I have been so stupid
to never let myself see
that the man of my dreams
was standing right in front of me
he gave me his all
even when I didn’t deserve it
still I broke his heart
then walked away and laughed about it
I’ve become a heartless *****
after being hurt too many times
I got sick of the games
and all the ******* lies
so I turned the tables
on every heartless boy
now I’m the one who’s in control
I treat everyone with a heart like their toys
I guess it’s true what they say
you are how you feel
I just never imagined my pain was this real
I’ve become the feelings
I’ve hid away in my chest
I stopped being the good girl
and became the world’s heartless *****

I want you to hold me
I want you to whisper into my ear
I want you to want me like never before
I want you to touch me everywhere
I want you to kiss my lips
I want you to look me in the eyes
I want you to pull me super close
and ******* alive
I want you to caress me with your hands
I want your body next to mine
I want to roll around in the sheets with you
and not wake up until nine
I want to fall asleep on your chest
as I listen to you breathe
I want this moment to last forever
as you take all of me

Sometimes I get so emotionally overwhelmed because I love so many people so much for so many different reasons. Even people who I don’t talk to anymore, they were a huge part of my life and I grew to love them for the way they did things, for the way they see things, the way they felt things. I’ve met a lot of people in my life and every person I meet whether it’s for 5 minutes, 5 months, 5 years, ect. I don’t keep people around for no reason. I keep people around because I love them and words can’t describe how much love I have in my heart for certain people. I write about how I feel and it’s so much that I cry because no amount of words on paper can describe how I feel. It’s not just people either. It’s love for certain places, certain songs, certain moments. I have a way of remembering everything about a particular moment. If something happened and it touched me in a way that it changed my life a little bit or a lot, I remember what song was playing, I remember the weather, I remember how that person smelled, what we were drinking, what we were talking about, what thoughts were going through my head and every time I go back in my head I remember that moment like it was yesterday. It amazes me how certain moments can make us see things and feel things. I just wish I could go to every person who has changed my life and tell them personally how much I love them and how their presence has filled my heart with so much joy.

Waking up to the sun shining on my face
it’s as if I died and fell into outer space
everything around me is so content
it’s like nothing can bother me
everything is fine
everything is going so well
it’s like I’ve been lifted out of this horrible place they all call hell
I can run and this time I’m not gasping for air
I’m surrounded by freedom and there is greatness everywhere
but eventually something has to happen to **** things up
I go from being strong to just wanting to give up
All the greatness disappears
and you can see underneath my mask
that I’m a fake I’m never really happy
because happiness doesn’t last
I’m the girl screaming in her pillow for the voices to stop
I’m the one crying for help because the pain gets to be too much
I’m the freak in the classroom who barely says a word
I’m the ****** up mind in the insane asylum locked up so I don’t get hurt
this depression eats away at me like a disease I can’t explain
I act like it never bothers me
in fact I never complain
You can never tell how I’m feeling unless you look real close
I’m always going crazy
I’m surprised I haven’t overdosed
I don’t talk about my feelings because no one will understand
so I put the thoughts away until the end of the day
then later cry compulsively in my hands
this happens all of the time
it’s so exhausting being depressed
it’s hard to laugh and stay content
when you haven’t gotten any rest
I battle this alone
have been for six years
I can’t keep track of my scars
and I can’t catch all my tears
all I know is that the way I feel sometimes
it just isn’t right
it gets so overwhelming
that I just want to give up this fight
some days are worse than others
but I always make it through
doesn’t matter what happens
I manage to find something positive to do
I don’t know when I’ll beat this
but I’ll try my best to keep going
I’ll do all I can to live my life successfully
to keep this illness called depression from growing

Roll me over, kiss my neck
hold me close don't let me go just yet.
Run your fingers through my hair
as you kiss me so passionately.
Is this a dream?
Is this for real?
Pinch me now cause I can't tell
your so incredible.
your presence is so enticing
the way you move just takes my breath away,
the way you speak sends shivers up my spine,
the way you laugh, the way you cry,
the way you say my name as you hold me close at night,
your perfection in my eyes.
Pick me up, spin me around
sing to me don't ever put me down.
say a joke and make me laugh,
give me butterflies like only you can.
Is this reality?
Are you really here with me?
There is no other place I'd rather be.

One little cut across my precious skin

I feel the blood leaking out of me as it slides down my leg
I feel everything that has been bothering me drift away
As the first drop of blood touches the floor with this high I am experiencing

I make another cut

and another

and another

and another

and another

Until I am so cut up that I am numb
I can't feel anything and this is what I want
To not feel anything
To not have to deal with this pain that makes living so unbearable

But this

This habit in which I have developed is what keeps me going
If it wasn't for this addiction
this pleasure
this outside pain
this high
this coping mechanism
I would be dead
With cutting I cut to numb the pain inside
I cut to make sure that I am still alive

I cut

because this addiction is a secret in which no one else knows about

and I like it that way.

I was sitting on the windowsill
crying after having a bad day
He came home from work with takeout and flowers
and asked me if I was okay
I quickly wiped my tears away
I did not want him to see me cry
I told him "hello" with a fake smile
that you couldn't ignore if you tried
As I was taking the food out of the takeout bags
he looked at me so serious
I asked him what was the matter
he answered do not be ridiculous
I felt stupid for hiding my sadness
I felt even more dumb for being sad in the first place
As I cleared my throat to tell him what was wrong
he kindly put his hand on my face
He said "I do not know what is making you sad
if it is something I can help you with then please let me help
I know how much you like to do things on your own
but sometimes we all need to lean on somebody else
I am not here just for the good days
I am here for the bad days too
and if you want to sit and cry
then I will sit and cry with you
Do not be ashamed to tell me how you are feeling
I won't be angry at you for being human
I will hold you for hours if you want me to
while I list off the reasons why you are an amazing woman
I will spend hours being a goof
until I get you to laugh
or I will lay down with you in bed
and watch you sleep as I caress your hand
If singing you a song will make you feel better
I will sing every song that I know
If I could go to space and bring you every single star in the sky
I would do that if it will make your smile glow
I am sorry you feel this way
I am sorry your day ******
I will do everything to make you feel better
because I love you that much."

Can I ask you a question?
Do you really love me?
Can I have a second of your time?
I just want you to spend time with me
Can I have your attention?
I want to tell you how you make me feel
Will you please answer the phone?
I want you to know that these feelings I have are real
Will you please sit with me?
I just want to hold you in my arms
Will you spend just one night with me?
I just want to hear your heartbeat so do not be alarmed
Will you take a walk with me?
I do not want to be alone
Will you spend forever with me?
My heart could be your home
Will you smile for me?
Your smile always brightens up my day
Will you hold my hand and never let go?
I don't want you to ever go away
Will you please just relax?
Listen to me when I tell you that everything will be fine
I am not asking for much
I am just asking for a little bit of your time

I'm sitting here just thinking about you
I'm wondering how you are
I can't decide if I should watch a movie
or go for a drive in my car
It's almost close to midnight
for some reason I just can't sleep
maybe it's because your so far away
instead of lying in bed next to me
I know your only gone for 4 days
but 4 days feels like 4 years
every time I think of your face
I find myself in tears
I'm not used to being this far away from you
I'm used to seeing you everyday
it doesn't matter what I try to do
the feeling of missing you just won't go away
I know it's only 13 hours
but I wish it was 13 minutes
if that were the case I'd jump in my car to be by your side in seconds
But 96 hours won't **** me
it will just make me appreciate you more
I will be counting down the hours and wishing you the best
until your back in my arms where you belong

When I first showed interest in you
you told me to find someone better
You told me you would end up breaking my heart
and that you could not stand the image of me crying
I didn't understand
You were such a gentleman
You told me yourself that you have never been in a relationship
so how could you know what type of boyfriend you would be
I knew you were keeping a secret
The way you acted sent off signs
After months of being your friend
you finally told me your secret
You told me that you had cancer
You have had it for a year
The day we met was the same day
your doctor told you that you would pass away soon
You also told me that you have been in love with me
since the day you laid eyes on me
You wouldn't allow yourself to be with me
because you didn't think it was fair
to let me fall for someone who was going to die
That was not your choice to make
I loved you before I even knew you were sick
I fell for you even more through our friendship
and the fact that you were sick didn't change how I felt
I kissed you
I kissed you multiple times until you kissed me back
I was determined to make you see that I wasn't going anywhere
Your cancer didn't scare me

It is six months later now
You're confined to your bed
Your cancer has taken over your body
You can't even hold my hand without wincing
I just lay next to you
I'm not sure if I will look into your eyes tomorrow
yet I'm not scared
You have shown me that life will end for us all one day
so embracing the moments is mandatory
Getting lost in moments that won't ever come again is a must
I feel your hand on mine
You feel different
You feel at peace
I turn my head to look at you
You're staring right at me
You smile so perfectly
as God finally sets you free

He still won't talk to me
He won't even look at me
He got rid of everything that was mine
He won't text me
He won't call me
I miss him
I miss our friendship
I miss our song
I miss everything
I want it all back
I want it back so bad
There is nothing I can do
I can't cry
I have to be strong
I can't be negative
I have to be positive
I have to have faith that everything will be okay
All I can say is that I miss him
I think about him all the time
I don't hate him
I'm not mad at him
I won't feel better until he talks to me again
The day he talks to me is the day I will stop hurting
I don't want to lose him
I won't be the same without him
I really miss him

Sitting at home with nothing to do
everything that I touch seems to remind me of you
I’m reminded of times when each embrace made me fly
now all I can think about is your final goodbye
All the things you said to me
they were never true
you had me thinking you loved me
now I’m left feeling like a fool…
The actions your taking
are taking everyone by surprise
you used to be the honest one
now your full of nothing but lies
I don’t know what your thinking
or what your on the verge of getting yourself into
if you were really that miserable
all you had to say was “Mandie I no longer want you”
I would have walked away
and taken all I should have said with me
and left your house with a smile
so my pain you would never see

Being a teenager is not the easiest thing in the world.
You have depression,
you have the problem of not fitting in,
you have the challenge of figuring out where and how you fit into this ******* up world,
you have eating disorders,
you have drinking,
peer pressure,
you have falling in love and getting your heart broken,
high expectations from parents and other adults,
you have cutting,
you have running away from home,
you have friends that stab you in the back.
Then, you have high school.
You have dreams others say are impossible to reach,
you have doubts about whether or not you can handle being a citizen in a world that is so ****** up,
you have the rich kids,
you have the poor kids,
you have the preppy group,
you have the emo group,
bullying,
you ask yourself everyday "who do I want to be in this lifetime?"
It is not easy being a teenager.
In fact it is so difficult not a lot of teens make it to the age of 20.
You also have suicide to deal with.
High school is not something you can figure out with just one day of going there.
In fact those who graduated high school still have no understanding of why high school is the way it is.
One thing is for sure, high school, being a teenager in general, is the time to be free.
Be fearless,
be young,
make mistakes and learn from them,
change your hair color a million times if you want to,
eat all the pizza and drink all the soda you can.
This is the time to have fun.
Are there bad times?
Yeah there is.
Someone might die,
someone might get pregnant,
changes happen but the thing about these bad things is that they are only temporary.
There is help out there for lots of things,
tons of things,
half the time we don't know what kind of help is out there.
Someone once told me, actually a movie told me, that to write something great write about what you know.
This is what I know.
High school goes by really fast,
broken hearts heal,
the mean girls who make fun of you are more insecure then you thought you were,
friends come and go but the ones who stay are the ones who are going to be there for life,
whatever happened in the past will be a faint memory,
that insecure person you used to be will turn into a confident successful person who is ready to take on the world.
Being a teenager is only temporary if you let it be.
Even though it's hard it's the best time of your life and you should never take it for granted.
The choices you make now will shape you and your future.
To all the teenagers out there dare to dream,
dare to hope,
dare to love,
dare to take risks,
fall and get up again
and do not forget to be proud to be yourself 100% in everything that you do.

I feel like I am being pinned to the floor
as if someone is holding a pillow over my face
making it hard to breathe
I see the world spinning
I see colors mixing together making it hard to see straight
I am getting dizzy and it makes me want to throw up
Honestly all I want to do is sleep
I am tired
I am so tired that I am turning into a different person
I get so angry
I get so overwhelmed
Even when I do sleep it still feels like I have been up all night
I can't take much more of this
I am goIng CRazy
I JUST WANT TO SLEEP
I AM SO TIRED I JUST WANT TO CRY
I CAN SLEEP FOR TWO DAYS STRAIGHT AND STILL FEEL TIRED
I CAN'T EVEN KEEP MY EYES OPEN AS I WALK
I REALLY CAN'T TAke this anymore
I don't know what to do
I just want to sleep


This was written back when my insomnia was so bad I missed a week of school because I could not sleep. I was up for almost a week one time, my eyes had black circles underneath them, I could not take part in a conversation because my words would slur. I had one incident where I was walking home from school one afternoon and I fell asleep while walking. There were many times my Mom had to pick me up early from school because I would go to the counselors office so exhausted that she thought I was on drugs but I wasn't. My therapist at the time put me on sleeping pills. I missed another week of school to catch up on sleep I was missing and after about a month of developing a healthy sleep schedule, I was feeling much better. I still struggle with Insomnia from time to time but as an adult now I have better control over it than I did when I was a teenager. People think Insomnia is not a big deal but it actually is a big deal and it can cause many problems for people.

I've been spending a lot of time alone
just thinking about the last few months
I've let go of friends, I've made new friends
and I lost someone I loved very much
What I thought would last forever
was ripped away from me over night
every thing I was told was a lie
and it tore me apart inside
Things have gotten better
my heart is however scarred
I'm scared of getting close to someone
out of fear it will all fall a part
Maybe I'm a dreadful curse
a walking bad luck charm
I'm as ugly as cigarette ashes
yet deep as a **** on an arm
Maybe the last few months is a sign
that love for me isn't meant to be
or maybe this is God's way of preparing me
for the one who is meant to be with me.

Remember me when the sun shines

that’s my way of telling you “hello”

Remember me when the wind is blowing

that’s my way of saying “I love you more than you can possibly know”

Remember me when it’s raining

that’s me wiping all the bad away

Remember me when your sleeping

I’ll be in your dreams and forever there I will stay

Remember me when our song is playing

that’s my way of telling you your on my mind

Remember me when your upset

and know that everything will be just fine

Remember me when the snow falls

that’s me giving you kisses impossible to count

Remember me when it hails

that’s my way of saying “Your being a **** now cut it out”

Remember me on your birthday

know I’m watching over you always

Remember me when your with your friends

and know it brings me joy to see you happy

Remember me when your angry

you may not be able to see me but I can hear you

you can still tell me anything and I’ll do my best to be there for you

Remember me when you want to give up

I’ll remind you how strong you are

Remember me when your laughing

I’ll be laughing too in the stars

Remember me as you look at my pictures

and know that smile I had was because of you

and always remember that no matter what

I will always love you.

Don't ask me to be perfect
just tell me to be me
Don't tell me what a **** up I am
because tears are all you will see
Don't tell me you want me today
then tomorrow go off with some girl you just met
Don't pressure me into marrying you
I'm not ready for that just yet
Don't ask me to change my style
my style isn't what needs to be judged
Whether you like or not as a person
is a type of honesty that will win you hugs
Don't ask me to be happy
when I'm having a very bad day
let me cry and get over myself
my anger will eventually go away
Don't ask me to look like a celebrity
that's a fantasy that won't come true
Don't ask me to change anything
when I'm standing here accepting you
Don't kiss my lips today
just to call me a ***** tomorrow
Don't hold me and tell me how amazing I am
just so you can later call me horrible
Don't give me a gift as a way to kiss my ***
because I will not take it
Don't ever tell me you love me
unless you absolutely mean it.

Yesterday is gone
tomorrow is a new day
live in the moment and don’t listen to what others say
Your amazing the way you are
your beautiful from head to toe
your a great and positive friend
you don’t judge, you help others grow
Care about things that matter
don’t trip over drama
let the negativity roll off your back
follow the advice you got from your Mama
Don’t worry about the little things
leave the past in the past
stop worrying about losing your friends
let the good times last
You really are a good person
why not let yourself shine
don’t be scared of the unknown
your going to be just fine
don’t ever stop being you
Your unique as can be
your body is perfect the way it is
why is that hard to see?
Don’t be insecure
there are people you can trust
go after guys who are honest
and want love instead of lust
Be excited for your future
be proud of your talents
you got the whole world at your feet
go out and live in it.

God you can beat me to death
just don't take him away
you can make me bald, make my eyes black
just please let him stay
You can take away my breathing
you can take away my life
you can take anything you want
just as long as he survives
God take away my hopes
take away my faith
take away my dreams
just as long as he is okay
Let me live in misery
let me live in pain
let me bleed from my ears
just as long as he is okay
Take away my friends
take away my home
throw me in a ditch
just as long as he is not alone
God skin me alive
let me bleed for hours
you can burn me at the stake
as long as he has what he needs
God if I could give up my life
just so he could live
then please **** me
so my life could be his
Hang me from a wall
and shoot me with a gun
rip apart my limbs
if that's what it takes to see his son
Run me over with a car
if it will grant him happiness
if the death of me means life for him
then ****** God just do it
**** me
take it all
you can have every part of me
just as long as he stays alive
and has another day of breathing
If you take him God
you will have to take me too
I can't live without him
and I don't ever want to.

In my imaginary world
it rains everyday
it isn’t a cold and nasty rain
it’s the kind that makes pain go away
In my imaginary world
no one sheds a tear
everyone is always happy
as if everyday was New Years
In my imaginary world
I am successful and wealthy
I’m making others dreams come true
and my body is really healthy
In my imaginary world
couples never split
no one cheats and fights with each other
and no one throws stupid fits
In my imaginary world
anything is possible
stories you read become reality
and the world looks unbelievable
In my imaginary world
I’m gorgeous like an angel
there is no such thing as ugliness
because everyone is beautiful
In my imaginary world
everyone lives forever
everyone is forever young
and no one says the word “never”
In my imaginary world
death doesn’t exist
life is for eternity
it’s something that won’t ever be missed

Sitting in my room
staring at the walls
trying to forget the argument
trying to forget it all
Swimming in a river
staring at the fish
trying not to cry
as I make a secret wish
Lying on my bed
staring at the clock
trying not to fall asleep
as I dream of a river dock
Listening to music
staring at the ceiling
trying not to look down
at my arm that are bleeding
Stanidng at the window
erasing you from my phone
trying to convince myself
I won't be alone
Wiping away the tears
as i look at pictures of you
I wish you would come back
because I'm still in love with you.

I'm not faking my happiness. Life is too short to be upset about stuff you can't control. I know what it's like to be close to making a decision that you can't take back and that decision was almost killing myself. When I sit and think of how close I was to ending it all and then I think about how far I've come, I've learned life is way too short to be misreable even though **** is going down. Nothing good comes from being upset so why be upset? Just because I'm smiling doesn't mean I'm not hurting but I'm not allowing my pain to get the best of me and keep me from moving forward. It's not being fake or living in a fantasy world. It's called being a grown up, being strong and doing the only thing you can do and that's moving forward.

You cannot be terrified to lose someone you lost a long time ago
You cannot be loved by somebody who does not want to love you back
You cannot make someone fall in love with you
All you can do is give them the opportunity to be with you
If they pass you up say okay, go out and find somebody who not only wants to be with you now
they want to be with you until they take their last breath

A snowflake fell quietly on the fingertips of her right hand
As she watched it drift down from the sky
she waited for it to disappear once it touched her skin
However once the snowflake landed it never disappeared
In the blink of an eye all around her she watched the snow rise from the ground
and as it began to spin in a circle she felt herself fighting to stand still
Before she knew it the snow was spinning so violently
she couldn't see through it
Her hair was waving wildly
fresh snow was hitting her skin so hard
it felt like mini razor blades sliding against her pores
As she tried to look for a way through the snow
she quickly came to the conclusion there was no way out of what was happening
She had to let it pass
whatever this was she had to release all control
and trust that this snow would find rest eventually
Slowly the snow started the die down
and it finally fell back to the ground
She stood there trying to catch her breath
as her legs groaned in pain from struggling to stand still
As she began to see around her without trouble
she realized nothing had changed
Everything around her looked exactly the same
She looked down at her right hand
On her fingertips where the snowflake fell was a note
written on pink paper that smelled of sugar plums
It said "the storm you were walking through has finally ended
Your next chapter in life is about to begin
and this chapter will be an exciting one
Let the magic begin
Merry Christmas"
As she read the last word the note disolved into dust
and even though nothing changed physically
somehow the world looked a little bit different anyways

A teardrop falls down my cheek
I do apologize for looking so weak
I'm just really stressed, I don't know where to turn
this week has been hell yet full of lessons I had to learn
There has been so much drama here lately
I can't concentrate on life
All I think about is cutting myself
whenever I see a knife
I am smoking cigarette after cigarette
just to stay calm
Reality hits me so I cry again
because everything is going so wrong
Everyone is breaking up
Everyone is freaking out
People are spreading rumors about situations
they know nothing about
Friendships are ruined
couples they fight
I do all that I can to keep my pain out of sight
I don't know what is happening
I can't control what goes on
I wish these conflicts were shorter
their taking too long
I want life to be good again
I want everyone to get along
I just want my best friend back...

I sit in front of the river
and I stare off into space
I dig my toes beneath the sand
as the wind hits my face
the clouds float by in silence
the trees whistle like a tune
this place is so calming to me
I could stay here all afternoon
as the waves roll to the shore
you sit in front of me
you stare at me for just a second
then you lean forward to kiss me
your hands hold my face gently
as if I’m a fragile doll
you hold me close to your chest
causing me to forget it all
when the sun goes down and the moon rises
the stars come out to play
I smile as I hold your hand
today was a perfect day
we walk through the park with no care in the world
we got nothing we need to do
all I know is I have the best time
whenever I’m with you

They can say whatever they want
what they say won't affect me
I am going to stay strong like I always do
I will be the best Mandie I can be
All these people do is talk
because their bored with their lives
Their not happy unless their ******* somebody off
and no one really knows why
Maybe their jealous of me
I can't understand the reason
It seems they want what I have
and what I have is what they need
Even though these people are jerks
I still choose to be nice
I will hold them if they need to cry
and I will be there to give them advice
I am feeling really great right now
nothing can bring me down
I am not tired and I am not angry
I have a smile instead of a frown
Today is a good day
I'm hoping it stays that way
My main goal for this very day is to not give a rat's *** about what others have to say

People often ask me why a romance lover like myself is single
The answer to that question is complicated yet simple

Love terrifies me

I am one of those girls who smiles when she sees a cute couple walking down the street yet when I imagine doing that with someone my body tenses up with so much anxiety it is enough to make me puke

I lie in bed at night wishing I had someone to cuddle with
yet in the morning I am so thankful to have my bed all to myself

I would love to share a home with a man I love because I do get lonely at times but then I think of all the things that change when you live with somebody and my loneliness does not become a problem anymore

I crave the kind of romance you see in all of the movies
yet if the opportunity for romance presented itself I would turn it down because I do not have the energy to fall in love with someone so deeply and love them the way they should be loved

I do not have the motivation to put myself out there and get to know someone as I am allowing a stranger to get to know me

I do not have the courage to expose myself to the wonderful things love has to offer

I do not have the strength to deal with the possible heartbreak I will feel if things did end

I am too worn out to give my heart to someone just for it to break so I can spend the next three years putting pieces of myself back together.

Sometimes I sit in my room
and all I do is cry
I cry about a lot of things too
I cry for me, I cry for him
I cry for the anger I feel for things that happened in the past
I cry for the first time my heart got broken by the first guy I ever loved
I cry for those who are sick
their helpless and it’s like everyone expects them to die
Doesn’t anyone have hope anymore?

Sometimes I feel like a puppet
being played with by my father
Every time I get *******
the first person I yell at is my mother
My father was like that too
except alcohol was his puppet master
Every time I think of my father
I can feel my already heated blood start to boil faster
Ever since I have gotten to know him
I have realized I am like him in so many ways
We are quick to make opinions
we collect music you couldn't finish listening to for days
We are very particular about the dumbest things
it does not take a lot for us to get angry
We become hateful when someone brings up past mistakes
we laugh at things that should not be funny
We do not let anyone in
we spend most of our time alone
When we do not have work related stuff to do
we prefer to stay at home
We both have a love for trucks
we are cigarette addicts too
When I try to make a list of all of the good things about my father
I can only name a few
My father is clean and straight forward
he has no problem telling the truth
He loves to eat Mexican food
he loves Winter too
He is quiet, he is handsome
he loves m&m;'s just like me
He loves Taylor Swift and Pink Floyd
his favorite time of day is morning
My father has problems like I do
only difference is I got help for mine
My father is a person who can be really mean
then an hour later act like everything is fine
He is worse when he drinks
so am I which is why I hardly ever do
Underneath him though is a conflicted heart
despite what people might think
Whenever I get angry
I think of my father
I can't help but blame him sometimes
whenever I feel like the world's biggest bother
No matter what I do to change
I feel the sadness for my father get worse
With his blood in my veins I have no choice
than to accept my father's curse

You are not broken
You are injured
You are strong in the Lord
You will get through whatever challenge comes your way
You are clothed in strength
You have God on your side
His love for you will never fail

Sometimes I go for a walk and when I walk I think of ways to make the earth a better place
I think of those who are my age struggling with issues nobody else can understand.
I think of those who get made fun of for issues that aren’t even their fault and it frustrates me.
I want to save every teen from stress, from sadness, from wanting to hurt themselves but I can’t because I’m not God.
Some boy or girl is going to die of suicide and there is nothing I can do about it because I can only be in one place, one city, one state, one time zone at a time.

I still listen to old voicemail's you left on my cell
even though your voice causes me to hurt like hell
I think of all the plans we used to make
even though you had no intention of following through with them anyways
I see you with her and I can't help but wish that was me
even though you nearly destroyed me
I still have your picture on my wall
your smile still brightens my days when I feel so small
I go to places we used to go to
just to relive the happy memories again
I walk the streets we used to walk
back when we were just friends
I re-read all the letters you wrote
trying to figure out where we went wrong
on nights when I'm sad I still think of your smile
because despite all the hate you have for me it still makes me strong

If your going to love, love unconditionally. If your going to be there for someone then be there when they need you not when you feel like it. If your going to be fearless be willing to face every challenge that comes your way. You want honesty then make sure to tell the truth. You want revenge sit back and let karma do its job. You wanna scream then scream. You wanna cry then cry. You want to be strong don’t give up. You want to change the world then be yourself 100% and never give up on your dreams.

Right now I need a hug
I need someone to remind me to breathe
I need someone to say my name in such a way that my heart starts beating fast
I need someone to tell me that pain is only temporary
that one day I'll meet someone who will love me endlessly
I need someone to remind me to do good
and not let myself fall into traps I can't get out of
I need someone to hold me
to let me cry until I can't cry anymore
to remind me I'm doing great
even though I don't feel like I am
I need someone to look me in the eyes
tell me I got enough faith to move mountains if I wanted to
I need to be reminded that I am never alone
reminded that someone always has my back no matter what
I need someone to tell me that I'm beautiful
just by being myself
and even though things may get rough
instead of lectures and advice
sometimes all I really need is a hug

When I'm angry I cut.
When I cut it's like this high.
I feel everything that's eating away at me inside come out of me through one cut.
I bleed and it doesn't hurt.
I feel relieved.
I feel like I can breathe and I suddenly have the energy to carry on when really I just want to give up.

When I'm sleeping I dream.
I dream of a world where stereotypes do not exist.
Everyone is happy.
Everyone is faithful.
The economy doesn't ****, the president is someone you can trust and everyone is getting along.
No one is emo, no one is ghetto, no one is scene.
You're just yourself and you're accepted because you're fine just the way you are.

When I'm content, calm, speechless, sad, or nervous I write.
I write about things I can't say in person.
I write about thoughts that interfere with my daily routine.
I write about my fears, my insecurities and words that when I look at them, they form an understanding to who I am but when others look at them they have no idea what I am talking about.
Writing gives me the time to be myself.
Writing is a part of me.
It is me which is why I do it everyday.

You left in your honda half an hour ago

and already my heart is aching for you

I don’t know if this is an obsession

or the fact that I’m so in love with you

All the nights we have spent together

I have never felt more complete

all the days we had just messing around

are the days when you brought out the best in me

Those days were so much fun

but they are over now

you moved on and got back with her

you have a child to think about now

They say I was nothing but a game to you

but I know you felt something for me

if what we had was all a lie

then why would you say you were in love with me?

I’m not sure what to think now

I’m not sure how to feel

I just sit here and cry silently

wishing I could just disappear

I thought I had a real chance with you

but I guess I was wrong

I lost a part of myself

the day you said you were gone.

He was a loser
girls never gave him a chance
they laughed at him for how he dressed
they made fun of the way he danced
he had long hair down to his shoulders
with the most beautiful blue eyes
guys called him horrible names
and ruined his reputation by spreading lies
his teeth were far from perfect
yet his smile was contagious
his idol was Kurt Cobain
**** kept him calm when he felt nervous
he always dressed in black
he looked scary but he was really nice
although he was very quiet
he had the talent of giving great advice
he was a cutter
like most teens he felt like a reject
he wanted to drop out of school
but he wasn’t sixteen yet
he was exhausted from being bullied
and frustrated that teachers didn’t care
whenever he tried to ask for help
all a teacher said was “you need to cut your hair!”
One day at school
a group of guys kicked his ***
the boy wore a hoobie
to stay warm from class to class
the guys tore off his sweater
they saw the cuts on his skin
they told him “GO **** YOURSELF”
and that’s exactly what he did
He ran home freezing
he went in his house and grabbed his Dad’s gun
he went down into the basement
he had finally had enough
he put the gun in his mouth
the shot echoed in the halls
the gun dropped from his hands
as his sad thoughts covered the walls

All I want is to be in your arms
I want to be the one who wipes your tears away
I want to be the one who can look at you and know exactly what your thinking
I want to have a life with you
I want to be the one to tell you everything is going to be okay
I want to be the one you want to spend the rest of your life with
I want to make you smile always
if you stay in my arms
you will never fall
nothing will ever hurt you
my love for you won't allow you to feel pain
your life, your world, your heart will change if only you were to make me your girl
let me show you how much I love you
once you have me you aren't going to want to let me go.

Her:                                                                            Him:

I love you                                                                  I hate you
I need you                                                                 Leave me alone
Let's start over                                                          Forget you ever met me
Don't do this                                                             It's done. Let it go
I thought you loved me                                          I lied
I care for you                                                            Drop dead
Why are you doing this?                                        I found someone else
So that's it then                                                        Yeah! Goodbye!
I guess I'll move on                                                 I already have
I still love you                                                          I don't
I always have and always will.                             I don't and I never did.

I WILL NOT worry about things that I cannot control. I am going to cherish every moment I spend with whoever wants to spend time with me because I know how fast people can just disappear without any warning. I WILL NOT waste time on people who do not want anything to do with me. I will focus on the people who actually want to see me. I WILL NOT feel bad for not having a boyfriend. I know that I DON'T need a man to be happy. I have my writing, my cat, my friends and my family to fill in any emptiness that I begin to feel. I WILL NOT punish myself for things I cannot control. I am going to let go of what needs to be let go of. I am going to smile even when things are bad because I know God has it all under control. I am going to just enjoy my life and have fun.

Someone once told me that to make my writing better you got to read two hours of different kinds of poetry everyday. They also said to make time to read everyday, even when I am tired. Not only will my writing get better but I as a person will get better because not only will I gain inspiration, I am also opening up my heart in a way that is very hard to do with actual people. As I read I will be taken to places I only dream of in my dreams. I will learn all sorts of things that you can't be taught in school. I will make friends with fictional characters that will teach me what it means to be a friend. I will discover things about myself I never knew were there and I will be reminded to dream impossible things. I may seem crazy for believing in the worlds I read about in my books but it's always the craziest people who dare to dream impossible things.

Look into the mirror and say "I am beautiful" 30 times. Afterwards look at the smile on your face and notice how much happier you are when you are kind to yourself.

I remember the first time you kissed me
you took me by surprise
you filled me up with excitement
like it was my personal high
I remember the first time you hugged me
it felt good to be really close
you held me for a few moments
those are the times I miss the most
I remember our first time at the river
we walked hand in hand
we talked and laughed about crazy things
I wouldn’t mind doing that again
I remember the first time you said “I love you”
I felt my heart skip a beat
those words were so unexpected
that it made it hard to speak
I remember the day you broke up with me
it hurt to see you go
I went to class feeling like an idiot
but I never let my sadness show
I remember when everything changed
nothing has been the same since
but I don’t regret anything
because it was all with my best friend.