I can always find a silver lining.
There was never a struggle that I couldn't handle.
But I cant handle this.

Growth is suppose to make you feel lost
it's suppose to make you feel scared.
But should it suffocate you?
Why do I feel like I am dying when I should be moving forward?

Dear God please tell me I am not dying.

Why is my life ending when it should be starting?
Their whispers ring in my ears through the night,
they wake me up at 7 A.M.

why the **** are you guys screaming at 7 A.M?

Please go back to bed.
We don't have to drown if we are not awake.
We can live in our dreams.
You are still smiling in my dreams.
I am still smiling in my dreams.
When I am awake I am dying.

How am I already ******* dying?

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

For each step
I inhale your presence
Stuck in your sight
I evade with shame

Confused with the signs
which tell your desire
To have me
Or to just be

With each caress
I cry my heart
Not to take advantage
Of your kindness

Built with this bond
a caution and limit
of what I can be
For you

But the toxic seeps in
As I fell hopelessly
I try to stand my ground
Too late

Every aimless try
leads me to an abyss
Not just to be a friend
but more than

It is awful to feel sickened by the thought of myself
So is sobbing in the bathtub while the water hits my body
And soon my tears blend in with the ***** water

It is awful to avoid mirrors and to always look down
To hid from who I would see if I did

It is awful  to scream into my pillows every night
Hoping no one will hear the cries
Or staining my wrists with sharpie
To remind myself to stop eating
And to stop being me

Or living in my dreams of other peoples lives
Than facing the reality of mine
Self-hate is awful
But so am I

you can’t keep chewing me up and spitting me out until you get the flavor you want.

4 plus 3 equals 8
1 times 1 is 2
because if you and me are false
then I don’t know what’s true