If it were to only rest upon my hands and breathe through my life..
to posses what others view when they smile fondly on their past
instead..
I feel velvet scars rising
forming into reminders;
my dreams slept were only nightmares
my dreams awake were only mirrors to night
the only one to hold me was my dead teddy bear
cold, stale, mildewed from my tears
suicide preached upon, with words of parents
A happy childhood is all I asked for..

sometimes
i don’t want you to know me

i want to walk past you on the street
raise my eyebrow and look at you
while we pass under the streetlight
and swing my hips
so that you turn around
and turn back to your friends
to whisper about me

i want our shoulders to accidentally touch
and i want you to feel your skin tingle
beneath the shirt you wore
--the one that is tight on your muscles--
hoping you would see me

i want you to wait for me by door frames
to walk me to class
and live for the moments i giggle at you

i want you to find my fears
and ache to protect me from them

i want our lips to touch
and i want yours to part
and breathe in
because you couldn’t have imagined
a first kiss
like that

i want you to be unable to stop thinking about me
keep my name on your tongue all day
until you dial my number
and call to talk to me

i don’t want you to know me
because i want you to fall in love with me
all over again

there is more than one type of cold.
there’s the cold from that winter wind
it blows through the window
with the hole in it and it sneaks around
the curtains and comes up
through the floor
there’s the cold during the summer
when it’s ninety degrees in the shade
and you turn on the a/c in the car
and it numbs your fingers
and the backs of your arms
there’s the cold when you’re sick
and ten blankets couldn’t reach the chill
that’s made its way inside
and your eyelids feel the fever drifting
there’s the cold that arrives when you’re scared
when you’re nervous
it nestles just under the skin
and you’re losing feeling in your fingers
there is more than one type of cold
but you’re the only one
that ever made me freeze.

One terrified question
Two visits with 'folks
Three trips to the movies
Four corny-*** jokes
Five rides to the mountains
Six parties all night
Seven tears over nothing
Eight reasons to fight

Nine years old when they met
Friends from the start
Ten lustrums they've remained
Telepathically heart to heart

You struck me down
I brought you up
You broke my heart
You stupid ****
My ****** body
Lay by your side
A knife in hand
You laugh with pride
On my hands and knees
I crawl back to you
With bleeding wrists
I whisper, "I love you too"
There's no way out
Of this hell I'm in
Slaughter me now
Consume my sin
You didn't care
About me now or then
So I'm done with you
I won't come back again.

You saw me naked.
Not without clothes, but without my wall.
The 10 foot, steel reinforced, wall around my heart.
You broke in, brick by brick.
And I let you, I let you see me vulnerable.
Forgetting what others had done to me when they saw me the same.
I wish I could say you were different.
But, you saw me naked.
And you laughed, pointed out my insecurities, and broke me so much that I rebuilt my wall.
I rebuilt it higher and stronger than before.
Protecting my heart from so called love.
You also saw me without clothes.
Burned your touch into my skin.
Whispered sweet nothings into my ear, and that's just what they meant.
Nothing.
I can't look at my body without thinking about you.
Because, you saw me naked.
Defenseless and with open arms.
I shouldn't have trusted you.
But I did anyway.
I thought that since you had a wall to we would be amazing together.
But.
I never saw you naked.

hi, welcome to our world,
you must be new.
i'm sure it sounds exciting;
but let me explain something to you.
you're a girl so
things are a bit more tough.
things are hard when nobody listens
when you say "enough is enough."
it's almost like you can't say no--
wait, that's not it.
it's more that when you say that word
they still don't quit.
opinions run rampant--
nothing you ever do or say will satisfy them.
"them" being not only girls tearing each other apart,
it's also men.
this idea of "them" is that you're being attacked,
physically, verbally... it doesn't matter.
they say you have too much makeup,
your stomach should be flatter.
and then it's the clothes...
you wear too much and you're a *****,
too little and you're a ***,
might as well be ****.
like to flirt?
too bad, you put out.
like to keep to yourself?
you're a *****, no doubt.
there's no such thing as winning,
in our society today.
but please, have fun!
enjoy your stay.