I retch, I retch and I retch and retch and I cannot dislodge the salt of your sweat on my neck. Like a curse, it has rooted its way into my pores and poisoned my veins. The searing pain of stomach acid in my mouth

Our lives are moving at the speed of light,
weaving our veins together in such symmetry
that it reflects rain like a window,
we become one and find our feet to rule

Like eyes,
(a) heart know(s)
(how to waste) away time.
(With every) smile,
(&) day
(a) mind just
forget(s) past
(& current) fear(s) (of) life.

You can say you made me,
Created me all you want,
But the truth is
I’ve always built myself,
This has been the finest creation I’ve made with raw hands.
All you ever did
Was stamp me down,
Keep me squashed
Under the weight of your narcissism.

But I’ve grown strong,
Bashed and wriggled and crawled out
From under your gloomy shadow.
And I’m shining again.
A certified self-made masterpiece.

Your eyes scream apologies

and not even you know what for,

you took my hand,

we left the room,

and i fell in love with you again.

The seascape in my mind
Just became dark
Filling with morbid clouds
And fiercely black swell.
All of a sudden it switched
And the tv static that only my ear drums can conjure
Became forceful and loud.
In an instant,
Conversations I never imagined,
Spoke loud and vividly.
“I can’t leave my bed today,
Im dreaming of killing myself”
Why?
I feel intoxicated,
And nauseous.
I feel unsafe,
And I can see myself
Dipping under the waves.
Why?
Send the coast guard,
I can feel my lungs draining.

Fill this pen with blood from the sink,
Bleed between the lines, let it soak me in,
Let all my pain, happiness, thoughts,
Become one with the paper,
The ****** blotches represent toughest times,
And the world smiles at the fading happy lines,
This is how I create my form of art; my poetry,
Every word is entirely me.

The truth is;
You're bad,
You're a torture
i inflict on myself,
You're not healthy,
Bad, Horrible, Disgusting
But i miss you.

The fact is;
Despite what they say,
I still loved you.
You treated me better
than they ever knew.
You were so beautiful to me
and I loved you.

My jagged teeth are gleaming.
My eyes are waiting, dear.
I want to watch the sun set
On your beautiful heaven
& give birth to light
In your ******* hell.
I can't wait to see the look on your face
When you realise you like hell better.
I'm awaiting the day you burn your ******* bible
& make a shrine to Satan instead of God.
Oh, how that day will make me happy
In a sick & twisted way.

It's time for me to find creativity and feeling again.
I'll start with the sky where you and I met.
Stars are all we have left.

I wonder what it’s like to dream...
What is it like...?
To dream anything but static.

The statement

                              

                                       To keep me



                                                                      Forever,

A promise?

Or threat?

.                                                      I don't wish
                                          
                                                                ­          to read "Meaning of Life",
                      
                                                                ­     though,
                                                                ­                      tempting.

It’s the memories of your fingers dancing across my skin at all the places you’d touch me so carefully.
Maybe you’re aware I’m already broken,
Gentle to avoid further damage,
Or maybe your first language is softness, delicate understandings of how to move with my body.

With delicate, yet awkward, fingers
I edge my way down my throat
And loosen the cut you made on my neck.
Nails crawl through my flesh
until I hear the strum of my failing violin, cat gut, vocal chords.
An ear drum bursting TWANG;
Reminiscent of the s c r e a m s
You forced from my bones.

My body twists around the thought of your
Gaze pounding down my spine.
You’ve buried your way into my skin,
A burdensome parasite I can’t shake, or dig out.
Despite the number of nails I break
And bones I dislocate.

I'm waiting





                For the world




                                            To collapse around me





                                                                                              Again.

From the deepest depths of this heart of mine
Is my vault of feelings that I've ever felt.
Before you, I layed them in a line
and at your feet I knelt.
Surrendering to you every truth
behind every lie.

I think we were buried,
******* and yearning before we spoke.
A cosmic connection strung out
Over thousands of years,  
Millions of experiences.
Just waiting for the tension to give in
For the spell of gravity to take hold
And pull us back into each other’s arms.

Or maybe it is much less.
Maybe it is just chance,
Change,
The right time.
Maybe it just is.

I would let my demons consume me
If it meant that you would be better.
I would let you eat my heart
If it took away your loneliness.
And I would set myself on fire every single day
If it meant that I could hold you
o n e. l a s t. t i m e.

It’s a dark night.
And I sit here,
Cigarette choking me.
But I realise I have learnt so much.
One thing I realised,
Through the tortured delusions,
Is that I am strong.
You taught me strength.
To crawl through the mud,
Dust my bones from the ashes,
They didn’t dissolve in the flames set alight by you.
You taught me,
I can unbury my head,
Push out the heavy smoke
And breathe.
Especially when the lights are gone
And nothing seems tangible.
You taught me to grab a hold,
And pull myself out.

I’m sorry that I don’t want kids
I’m still a kid myself.
July 2022 was my birth.
Age 25 and flung into blinding light.
Ripped from the suffocating womb that I had been shoved into
And incubated.
Squished, pushed, moulded,
Deprived of nutrients
From my mother,
From him,
And also him,
And my dad,
And the list of contributors is extensive.

I’m sorry I can’t commit to giving you the grandchild/ren
That you so desperately want.
But I’ve only just been born,
Yet I’ve already done my time.
I have two sisters.
Two kids.
Two souls I’ve grown, nurtured, sheltered, loved, taught.
But didn’t birth.
I’ve already been a parent.
And I’m sorry it’s not in the correct way.
I didn’t choose it.

I’m sorry.. i’m sorry to the people you call your friends.
But I’m not sorry… I feel no remorse
For their wilful ignorance.

And the loss of losing them in my life
Keeps me weightless.

I know you’d want to,
I know you love to knock me down again.
Punch me in the face, knock out my teeth,
Fracture my wrist and leave me black and blue
For another Christmas and new year.
Just for old times sake.

But I am weightless.
Flying like helium balloons released in happy memory at a wake.
I soar without you.

I don’t need to hope,
Or pretend.

I know you’re sinking.

Like a wardrobe filled with too much ****,
The door that leads to you
Won’t shut, jammed by memories,
And of the constant need of you.
So I’ll leave it like that,
And let parts of you seep out
And swirl around me forever.

I thought I was dreaming when you said you loved me.
You uttered I was a fantasy...
The whole world unravelled and gave way beneath me,
Revealing a colourful universe.
A world I fell in love with.

But now you’re gone...

And you don’t love me anymore.

And I am lost...

Sunk back into the darkness.

I don’t know.
It feels like I’m floating in limbo
Wrapped in barbed wire
Watching you tug the end
As you walk away.

I am waiting. I am aching.
I need to know if you’re working on this too.
Because yesterday was my last day and I’ll be better from now on.
I hope you’ll love me, from now on.

I feel so small and unimportant.
Maybe I was never meant to be more than a fleeting thought.
A disappearing memory; a false attempt at love,
A stepping stone in the direction of anyone else.
There are so many ‘maybes’ filling my tear ducts to the brim.
Like maybe you didn’t love me,
And
Maybe this is how I’ll finally drown.
Suffocated by my own tears,
And ripped apart by your emptiness.

Maybe .n.o.t.h.i.n.g. is all we were ever meant to be.

You found me
Shrivelled and collapsed
Wilted and completely withdrawn,
Dangling on the brink of death.
A shell of myself,
A prospect of what I was meant to be.

But you stopped…
Reached out,
Hands open,
Heart whole and bright,
Watered and held me,
Dragged me into the sunlight.

Unable to stand
You held the stake I grew upon
Kissed and nurtured and tended to me.
You let me rise and find my strength.
You showed me the warmth I’ve never felt.
I shone once more.

I’ve never been so loved, so supported…
So…
h o m e .

I’m so thankful.
I’m so happy.
I’m so me.

And I love you.

I imagine you holding me,
While I sit and stare at the stars, for hours.
And you watch and smile
While my eyes hold the universe,
And your eyes carry the sunrise.
We're alive.
And I'm so glad I
Stayed around for this.

I used to be comfortable with the idea of loneliness,
And for the most part welcome it as normal.
Solitude was my high ground
And I didn’t need anyone.
Self sufficient, functioning.
I was strong.

But then you showed me it didn’t have to be that way.
I didn’t have to ‘survive’ alone.
I wasn’t an outcast.
I wasn’t alienated.
I was loved.
And could love.
You showed me that I could be accepted.  


And then you left.

And loneliness is so terrifying.

And I am so scared.

i can't see your face anymore,
and yet i taste you every time i close my eyes.
lingering in the sticky gel i gouge out in the mornings,
it smears the mask i've created,
pretending i'm healing.

does the sun finally set
once i've purged you out completely?
or will the flames you wish upon me
drag me back to a clean slate?
phoenix? or perpetual purgatory?

tell me... will i be numb forever?

((your final gift or act of control.))

Your love was like a light switch in my head,
You know the one where it’s taped up to stay on?
The bulb blew sometimes
But you always ******* another one back in.
Your love made my world so bright,
Gave me clarity and warmth.

But eventually the tape fell weak,
Peeled off and curled up without me realising,
And a chilling storm ripped through my mind.
Flipped the switch, shattered the bulb.
And I grew cold with the rain.
Shivered so much I fell asleep,
But when I woke
I couldn’t flip the switch again.
The light was gone and
You didn’t love me anymore.