"Hello, Madeline. What have you come to share with me today?"

"Lately, I've been having these dreams, you see, and they've generally been about the same thing."

"Tell me what they're about."

"I'm always falling and hurting myself really bad, or getting lost and he always turns up to save me."

"How long has this been happening?"

"The past two weeks or so. It's quite literally sending me insane."

"Why's that?"

"Well, Doc, this morning, I was just sitting on my bed and suddenly I felt him wrap his arms around me like we'd never fallen apart. Only problem was, was that He wasn't there. It was just me."

"Hmm.."

"So, uh, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong with me?"

"You still love him."

The worst part is,
I would actually do it.
I'd take the gun,
Just like she did,
And shoot myself
If I was given the chance.
I've always been uncertain
Of my future.
My minds always changing.
Anyone who knows me,
Would've known that.
No one knows me.
I'm scared.
I'm scared of change.
I'm scared of the future
And how I'll get from here
To there.
I'm scared of this world.
And I'm scared of me.

Young children skip stones on the lake.
The boys, they "accidently" fall in.
Mistakes are the best memories made.
Laughter fills the sweet summer air.
On their chubby cheeks
the sun dances
and they breathe in
the lucious smell of springs late blooming flowers.
Summer is finally here.
Handmade Lemonade stands scatter footpaths
and lemon peels litter the street.
Lemonade 5cents
Daisy chains rest on the older girls heads
as they tan in the sun.
And in ten years time, polaroids will fill their walls
Of this beautiful summer
in the town by the lake.

Fighting to get away from sleep,
suffocating,
I woke up.
Not quite together-
my mind wasn't sure what it was doing,
Only half aware of the blade that traced your initials on my wrists.

I stumbled
and roamed the house
staining the carpets with blood
eventually collapsing at the foot
of my parents bed, falling asleep once again.
When my Mother found me
she was scared and confused.

This dream was different to the re-occuring dream
i usually have.
Instead of watching the usual dream
of you taking your own life;
instead of seeing your face,
one i had known and loved my whole life,
morph into an unfamiliar being...
I had murdered you.

Imagine a world
without fear...
We'd all throw ourselves
off buildings
and cliffs
thinking we could fly.

                                       Imagine a world
                                       without love...
                                       it wouldn't look
                                       much different
                                       to what it is now.

When I didn't receive your card this year
I wasn't upset, or wanting to read those pointless words.
I was happy because you stopped trying to pretend  you were a good father.
And for a split second... I even thought you were dead.
I wasn't sad at that thought either. I may have even danced at the thought.
But my memory is fuzzy.

Today, 21 days after my birthday,
My family decided to stop protecting me & supply the truth behind my thoughts.
They gave me the cards you had sent for Christmas & for the day I became a year older.

"If your special day is anything like you..."
Was the cheap ******* note on the front.
If the card was plain.. it wouldn't have mattered so much
But the fact you bought a card that refferred to you actually knowing me
Makes me sick to my stomach. In fits of rage I tore up that card
And abused you, even though your whereabouts is a mystery & you couldn't hear me.
They told me to be quiet and calm down... Tell me, Dad, how could I be quiet when you cause me so much pain & anger?
They didn't see my tears, they never do.

After I had walked out that afternoon & sat at a beach for hours I came home
Only to hear my Grandfather apologize for hurting me.
Why, Dad, should he apologize for the pain you caused?
I hate it, Dad, when Grandad says sorry to me.
You, dad, ****** up so badly. I was hoping you were dead...

The moon,
a shy beauty,
only emerges at night.
And the sun, only in day.
Funny how they're always chasing
each other. Always one behind the other.
Silly, though, how only once in years do they cross paths
like the cat and mouse chase is over only for moments
then it begins again.
A cycle. Just like everything else in life.
Life in itself is a cycle
as is love, happiness, good and evil.

Waves crash and roll longer than existance, they carry more love than any heart could ever hold and shelter more than a mother could ever protect. Waves, seas and oceans are more powerful than any white, black, pink, or green president could ever expect to be. Humans or any animal for that matter should fear the ocean more than a predator or serial killer because the ocean is a killer. It's dangerous. The water doesn't strive for power, respect or eternity, it was given those things. I do not fear the water, if for some reason it wants to take me, I will let it. Theres no point in fighting against something so pure and beautiful. If religion was forced upon me, I would not choose to worship any god-like figure I would simply worship the ocean as it can and will promise me everything a 'god' will. It will give me protection, love, eternal existance and a certain death.

Every afternoon after school
I'd get to your house
as fast as my legs would take me
and let myself in through the back door.

Seeing your face as you spun around to see me
was the brightest part of my day.
Even though you had issues with your legs
you'd still get up as fast as possible.

Hugs off your Grandfather
who has always been like a father to you
is the best thing a girl could ever recieve.

You'd lead me into the garage
and I'd take all caution uncovering the machine,
the motorbike. The work in progress.
And the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

You used to get me to hold the bolts while you ******* them in
because I have small hands that could reach where your warm ones wouldnt.
We'd spend hours on the Harley fixing it, building it.
Nanny would watch and laugh at how intrigued I was
because she thought that you'd bore me. You never did.

And when mother came it was hard to tear me away from the bike
I didn't want to leave. I wanted to help you finish.
But, I'd come back tomorrow and roll up mysleeves
just to hold more screws and listen to your technical talk.
I could sit for hours and just listen. You're so wise.
You taught me so much. I love you Grandad.

"I've seen you trace the straight lines on your wrists,

There's such precision; it makes me sick.

To waste such elegant canvas',

With the use of ****** lines...

It doesn't make sense.

How?        Why?

What compells you, sweetheart,

To do such a thing?

There was never any beauty

Behind geometrical lines."

"Whatever you do, do not travel alone.
That way you have memories you both could only ever have known.
You'll always have something special with them.
Travelling with another person is a gem.

-"What if you'd rather travel and see the world on your own?
And just meet people along the way?  As you said, you're never truly alone."

"Why's that, Maddy?"

-"Well, what if you're happier alone with oneself?
And, sir, you can't leave yourself..."

Like eyes,
(a) heart know(s)
(how to waste) away time.
(With every) smile,
(&) day
(a) mind just
forget(s) past
(& current) fear(s) (of) life.

The trees did cast their dim shadows
representing every soldier
early this morning on the side of the road.
For hours we drove
waiting for the sun to greet us
and for the fog to stop seducing the trees.
When we arrived
you pledged your alligiance to our flag
and then whisked away in a bus.
We barely even said goodbye
it all happened to fast.
You became a soldier.
The drive home was... quiet.
The sun had finally greeted us
and the tree's soldier reflections had vanished into the light.
You were gone
and the ghost of every past soldier wasn't there to guide us home.

Today, we spoke properly
for the first time in weeks.
It was the first time
since that ***** came along.
We spoke about
every weekend we'd spent together,
hand in hand
and smiles that matched.
We spoke about our plans
to be rebellious
and break into buildings
that no one else knew of.
We spoke of our silly
childish games we'd play.
You smiled.
I laughed.
And I looked,
in your eyes,
for all those feelings we felt
to come flooding back in.



They never did.

Just... I am demons.
You are beautiful, love. I've seen inside your smile.
I'll tear apart what's left of your heart.
You have eyes... darker blue than the night,
so deep they pierce my burnt soul.

Puzzled by your too sudden disappearance,
I sat in your dim little room
trying to put the pieces together.
Sifting through the past week
trying to find something strange
you had said.
I kept coming up blank.
After sifting though each conversation twice
I dug deeper into the past.
My memory never did let me down.
Deeper.
Deeper
I kept digging and sifting through
the past 3 weeks of conversations.
Then after sitting for hours
on your made-up bed
it hit me.
In each little coversation
of the weeks,
there was a different flicker in your eye.
A change in your voices tone
and a shift in your body language.
You'd been building up to this.
You had planned it
and I didn't realise.
I should've known.

I then noticed your bed was made
and you never made it
unless you weren't coming back...

You
were in the headlines
of every local newspaper
and on the lips
of every local
evening newsman
just the very next day.

Missing teen found dead at the bottom of a cliff.
Family and friends swamped the lookout earlier today.

They say you fell...
But I know you jumped.

I underestimated loves vicious abilities.
Love has
left us with nothing.
No lover
and no bestfriend.
We just evaporated,
vanished.
We were washed away
in rapid floods
of lies
and deception.

I saw you today
and everything
    just stopped.
My heart paused
                it's beat.
My lungs ached
                   and lost their air.
My head spun
       and then I fell off my feet

Onto the concrete pavement.
A fool I made of myself
                   Paralyzed by heartache
On the street.
And not ******* once
                            Did our eyes meet.
You barely even
                    Turned your ******* head.
There on that street
                         I sat
-Frozen and broken
                       And you...
You don't even care.
                                So much for "I love you"

Insomnia came to play again,
so we'll probably just wait
and watch the sun come up.

And when people ask me tomorrow
"Gee, how'd you get such a healthy glow?"
I'll reply awkwardly with
"I have not slept in days."

I lie on the concrete floor.
My bruised body just an empty shell.
Another round of our fight: I wanted more.
My mind became my own hell.

The nights and days grew colder.
I stayed a fragile shell on the concrete.
Time never freezes: our good memories grew older.
I hid behind your deceit.

Pain stricken
Tear stained
My eyes flickered
Like the candles last flame

Maybe, I
Am on my last flame.
Once again, at the thought, I cry.

I dream,
And awaken
To my screams
Of pain. My hearts been taken.

My tears fall so gently
And my heart beats so softly
While the pain of breathing erodes me so quickly.

Cuts.
Bruises.
Cracked ribs.
Black eyes.
Shattered plates
And empty bottles.

What have you done?
You destroyed me.

I'm going to make a collage
of all the things you never said
to me
And burn it.

I'm going to put all the pictures
of us together
in a folder
and burn it.

I'll make a list
of sentences
of words
that i remember
you spoke
and burn it too.

I'll compose an array of feelings
smiles and tears
that you left with me here
and burn it.

And if I could
I'd take every memory
from my
unforgetting mind
leave them in this house
and if I could
if only I could
I'd let fire consume this house too.

I kicked and screamed my way out of your grip.

(You frustrate me no end.)

I hope that one day your razor slips.

(You were never my friend.)

I want to see your blood drip.

(Your heads broken. It won't mend.)

Enough blood will flow to sink a ship.

(Your madness is without end.)

I'd tear everything apart
Just for you.

My heart,
My soul,
My sanity,
My body,
My kingdom.

I'd rip it all to shreads
Just for you.

I
Could die tonight,
But who would cry?
Who would mourn if I lost my life in the darkness of night?


I lay sleepless; someone must care, surely?
Then a voice whispers "there's only one way to see."
And my left hand reaches for the gun slowly.
WAIT. There's no one else here to whisper but me.


I'm going insane.

Everything creates haunting shadows of you.
I can't run from them,
Nor can I hide.
You follow me everywhere.
I can't escape.

Blisters. So many blisters. But I had to keep running. I had to get away from him. I forced the thought of my aching feet out of my mind. I had to keep running. Desperation and fear were now controlling me. My mouth was so dry, my legs burned, my knees were coated in blood and the tears made it difficult to see, but I kept going. The pain and tiredness didn’t matter. Nothing mattered except running.

I have never realised just how dangerous the streets had become… all I wanted was to go out and have fun, but now I was being chased through the town by a hideous beast. The thought of the town going down the drain quickly left my mind, I had to concentrate on keeping the concrete rolling underneath me. I had to keep running.
My dress had begun to tear and my feet looked like the aftermath of a chainsaw massacre. Pain? I could no longer feel it. I didn’t know where I was going… all I knew was that I was going to get away from this man. I had to.

Eventually, I turned onto Swan Street which would, at one stage, lead to the hospital. Once at the hospital, I’d be safe. I hope…

RUN! RUN! KEEP RUNNING! The words stuck on repeat in my head. Out of curiosity, though, I spun my head around to see if he was still there. Black. Just the black of the night followed me. A screech from deep within my body erupted. It was a noise I’d never thought I could create but I continued running for the safety of the hospital.

Then, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I turned down an alleyway, in hope it be a quicker route to safety, and stopped halfway down the alley. There he was. Just standing there. His grin gleaming in the dim light. No longer could I scream. No longer could I run. Fear had taken a strong hold on me, forcing me into becoming a statue. He begins to laugh as he moves closer and closer and soon enough he reaches his hand out…

Emtpy. Just emptiness. At first, I thought I was dead until the throbbing in my head begun. I was alive and in a dark metal box. He, the predator, had won his prize.

From the deepest depths of this heart of mine
Is my vault of feelings that I've ever felt.
Before you, I layed them in a line
and at your feet I knelt.
Surrendering to you every truth
behind every lie.

Is it bad to hate who you are?
Is it bad to fall apart when that number appears on the scale?
Is it bad to want to rip yourself apart?
Is it bad to just want to bail?
Failure is something we all know too well.
Self-destruction shouldn't be such a pretty thing to me.
Happiness is not a pill they sell.
No one can save you from yourself, see?

The demons keep chanting.
Drawing you to them,
Closer with every song.
Their magnetic pull is too strong for you.
Before long
They'll consume you
And we'll laugh at your misfortune.
Like the soulless creatures humans are.

A father
Recently met his daughter
For the first time since she was born.
Lack of being in her life left him not at all torn.

Little Annie, is four.
And has never met her daddy before.
He came to visit her,
With her breathtaking eyes and blonde hair
Eye contact sadly seemed rare.
She wouldnt look at him.
So, he asked with a faint grin,
"What's the dolls name, sweetheart?"
Just to begin conversation
And maybe get her attention.
Without looking at her father,
She answered, a little harsher
"I didn't name her.
Just incase she left me, sir,
Like you did.
That way she's easier to forget."

I yell for the monster to come out from under my bed,
but all that emerges,
is the monster in my head.

Sleep,
It scares me.
It allows my mind to roam.
The white canvas sleep creates,
Lets my mind paint terrifying pictures.
Some are images retold,
Others are oil-paint horrors.

Once asleep
I am no longer in control,
Sleep snatches the reins
Jumps off the horse
And watches it run wild
Through puddles of memories
And past feelings
Then, explores new caves.

I am afraid
of what sleep will let
my mind uncover
in it's frenzy of freedom.

I hear the heavens getting angry at me
They said to me, "follow us, for you have sinned"
I have lost control
I've lost my soul
And they're letting the rain pour
I await the storm to drown me
I'm stuck in this world, like a prisoner of war
The heavens want to wash me away, this I can forsee
No longer can I pleed
They want me gone.

Depression's cold hearted grip will slowly tighten,
And strangle you  to the point of just past broken,
And keep you prisoner.
It will hold you captive for as long as it pleases,
For as long as you are not strong enough to break free,
And emerge; spreading your wings like a newly awaken butterfly.
Except you won't be new the day you emerge,
Your wings will be bruised and battered.
But over time, we will see,
They will regain their beauty and help you, once again, to fly free.