I don't know who else to write this to
you seem to understand me
more than others try

so I am going to pour my heart out
to you

now.

I hope that's alright,
but you're the kind of person that will say yes
to anything

so long as someone's emotional well being
will benefit. And I promise
mine will

So dearest diary and closest friend,
I hope all is well in your world
because in mine the skies are grey
the clouds refuse to move away

I miss the sun
I don't remember what a smile is
I feel trapped in my own being

pencils with lead and pools of ink
just don't know how to convey
the things I feel right now

my thoughts eat themselves
before I get the chance to think them
and I am breathing enough to get by
but it's only just enough with no extra space
to breathe.

I don't understand it either,
there's nothing at all wrong
everything around me is fine,

but I need to say something
in hopes you will have the cure
I need more than ever before

being alone is a choice
but
loneliness is a disease

and lately:

I am more alone than ever before. . .

While I don't expect you
as a book with uneven lines
and coffee stains or a person
with a life to live and your own fears to face
to understand this or to help me at all

I don't know who else to write this to
you seem to understand me
more than others try

so I am just here on your door step pouring my heart out
to you.

You disappeared a while back
no sign of you in months
but you slipped out the door,
left it unlocked and turned the
porch light on,

but you didn't show up again
the sun rose and you still weren't back,
I made the coffee and drank every drop
all by myself on the blanket
in the back yard

the way we did last summer.
Birds sang and crickets chirped
it's been a year since you left
the door is still unlocked and the
porch light is on

but this place doesn't feel like home
without you anymore.
At least there's space to breathe
and some blank walls to paint,
a table or two to write ideas on
and some ghosts

for inspiration. Wherever you are
I hope you're happy and the sun
shines brightly day after day
I could have sworn I meant it
when I said I didn't miss you anymore
but it's not that simple.

I know you will forgive me for
not writing in a while. It's just that
life got in the way of living again.

Then they needed me at home,
to clean up all of my messes.

Later I was out of ink and my quills
flew back to the birds they came from
(and I didn't have enough spare money
for new ones.) And now I know you will
forgive me for not writing you in a while.

I was caught in the tide and pulled down
lower for longer than I ever have before.

I know you will forgive me
but I'm still so sorry. . .

You are so perfect

my innocent daemon

please be well

I love you

only ever always.

You always said you just wanted me to be happy...

I miss you. But you always said you
just wanted me to be happy and that
you left because it was better for me
and my feelings. So you went away
without anything close to goodbye.

You walked away in my darkest hour
saying it was right because I liked
someone else and you didn't want to
get in the way of anything good coming
my way, especially love.

When we met I made the mistake of
showing you the width of my pain
instead of the depths of my heart and
you decided that I deserved love to be
happy more than just one friend.

You always said you just wanted me to be happy...

I have never been more happy than
when you were close enough to hug
after my nightmares and yet far enough
to muse from without having to bleed
first. I don't understand this - you.

What is happiness in your eyes anyway,
***, you taught me every other
conceivable lesson about emotions,
human growth, and love so what lesson
was this if you only ever always said

you just wanted me to be happy. . .

You started learning a song
titled "Never forget" you began
this endeavor before we ever met.

You showed it to me when I
wasn't feeling well because
you thought the piano would
make my headache go away.

You always did a better job of
making me feel better from far
away than anyone near by ever
really could - thank you for that.

I swore to myself that I
would never forget
you because of that skill.

Because of that beautiful song
from such a horrifying game.

And so far, I haven't, but I think,
I think you have and that breaks
my heart every time you cross my mind.

Right now I am listening to that song,
the one with more beauty than words
can describe and more meaning
than the writers intended with the title

"Never Forget"

and I hope that you
have not forgotten
me just yet.

There once was a time that I created
a new language with everyone I met
that I wanted to keep around. Together
we'd make up new words to describe
the things we felt that we knew others
would never understand and we used
inside jokes and silly things that happened
to make sense of other things or to forget
things that hurt more than we cared
to admit. For a while the people I met and I
would explore town and claim little hideouts
as our own and everyone got one
but no one ever shared the location

with anyone else.

We would meet at sunrise or sunset
depending on the day and talk about all the things
everyone else would think us bratty or stupid
or whatever for saying. Where we would write
and paint, laugh and cry, give birth and die
just a little more each time. But it was never
meant as a bad thing. When I was younger
I talked to people and I knew what happiness was

but when my teacher taught me
about the taste of ink and the feel of keys
beneath my fingers I traded reality for
what I could create myself. I longed for a story
better than dreams and kinder than the
real thing. But I quickly became addicted
to that feel. Now I'm sitting behind a
brightly lit screen opening healed wounds
and cutting into my veins as I search for

new ways to say the things poets have beat me to
by centuries and trying to convey the cruelty
of this world around me that really isn't
all that cruel. And I really don't think you
are able to comprehend this but I thought
if anyone would listen to me it would be you.

And I figured if I was going to bleed out tonight
this would be the best canvass.

Thank you for all of your kindness
and love. Thank you for only ever believing
in me and wishing me the best. Thank you
so much for everything. I will not let you down

this time.