I made a list of things that remind me of you.
There was a knot in my throat but a grin on my face when I thought of dinosaur sheets and the beach in October.
Your mother’s back yard and the shape of your favorite sunglasses and the tea I’ve made every night since the last time I saw you.
What a delicate, terrifying thing to love and be loved back.
What a wonderful thing you are to miss.
My heart has grown softer as I’ve gotten older and I hope the world is gentle to you.
I hope you find a love as great as ours felt without all of the barriers but I hope you don’t find it too soon.

I worry I'm not as good at loving as I'd like to think
you can't put band aids on broken bones
all my doses of resentment seem to pour out onto you
and I whisper that I don't need you
with tears in my eyes and white knuckles around your fingers
I do not know how to love what's in front of me
only the ghost of the past and the fantasies of my mind

press your tattoos against me
until they rub off on my skin
we have built something bigger than this sadness
drink me in like a well aged bottle of cabernet
you’re my favorite escape from the madness

In another life, I’m folding laundry and hear you singing to our daughter in the next room. You are steady and I don’t feel like I’m living something I need to escape from.
In another life, I cook and you clean and we laugh at the kids we used to be. You bring me coffee in bed on Sunday mornings and never get exhausted of me telling you how much I love you.
In another life, our love isn’t dependent on either of us healing and we never reach a season where we have to walk away.
In another life, you find your way to me and I to you and being with you is the easiest part of existing.

I can’t imagine myself without my longing
call it infatuation or blind optimism
while my suitors may have changed, this feeling seems to follow me through the milestones
find me in the dead of night, breaking my own heart
searching for a hero

A man who loves you won’t call you a *****
or a *****, or say you’re crazy, or say you’re the worst thing that’s ever happened to him
and ******* 2 hours later like somehow that will  undo the memories inside your brain of all the ugly words he’s ever said
So why am I stuck in a limbo of knowing this isn’t what I’m supposed to be spending my life like and staying because it’s comfortable
Maybe if I loved you less you wouldn’t resent me so much
Maybe if I was a little less of this and a little more of that you’d hold my hand in the car on the way to dinner
Why does loving you feel like muscle memory to me
Why does hating you feel like breathing
Why don’t I hate you enough to walk away
Maybe I’m afraid loving someone else would feel too safe after all of the wars I’ve fought with you

and I don’t mean to get so far ahead of myself, because there is so much time for things to fade away rather than fall together
and I have worked so hard to learn to protect my fragile heart
but maybe it’s in the way I thought he was so perfect, so pure
I see you dancing with the devil
but I swear you’re the light for me
and maybe it isn’t so much in the the way someone pretends to be but in the the thoughts they never speak
eyes wide open at 3 am and the music you played on our way home
unravelling you makes my head spin and he’d only say he loved me in the dark

I missed you before you were mine
dismal nights spent wondering what t-shirt clings to your back
& what it would feel like to wake up with it falling off my shoulder
but now your fingers keep getting tangled in my hair
& your skin fits mine like a puzzle piece
& my imagination never did you justice

Isn’t it strange? How eventually we all become a slave to our sadness? All I’ve ever known is children full of longing and adults full of cynicism. It’s a means to survival and I recognize that. But who am I if not a child full of hope believing that eventually things will be the way I imagined them to be? Who am I without the trust that good is someday rewarded? Who am I without the fairytale ending with the man that saved me from it all? I want to believe it’s him. I know that it’s him. But who am I apart from finding my identity in the trauma of it all? Who am I if I’m not in survival mode? Maybe the idea of it all scares me more than I realize. As if I have nothing to offer if it isn’t the broken parts of me. As if I’ve got nothing interesting to say if it isn’t pertaining to the things I’ve been through. As if I’m nothing except the way been burned.

I'm in the mood to remember you
legs crossed over yours;
I can't see the moon without thinking of the way it looked through your windshield
safety is your locked car in an empty parking lot
and your hands dancing on my shoulder
I trace the lines on my body the way your fingers used to
and dance across the carpet to the songs you used to play
I hope your plans and your future have saved a place for me

If I could, I would count all the ways my troubled disposition
led to the breaking of my own heart
or maybe how your fugitive tendencies always caught up to you
the faintest sign of affection
and you disappeared before I could muster the words that might’ve changed your mind
it’s inescapable, the moon will ceaselessly pull souls like ours together
our hearts are magnetic but you lost your innocence too young
and I was always searching to fill the emptiness I didn't know was there
again and again, the demons within us will be too heavy to push away
so they will overtake us
consume us until we become a slave to all of our wrongdoings
and I’m sorry I kept asking you to fight away what we both knew would only break us apart
you can write poetry in our shadows but they will always follow behind

to be the person of your dreams
to be less a body and more an idea
to be an unlit cigarette kissing your lips
the lavender in your coffee and the aftertaste in your mouth
your Malibu sunsets in a 70’s Mercedes
what if love is trying to break apart the barrier between what you see and what you feel
what if you close your eyes and you find yourself reaching out for me
I dream of what you’d see in me if you couldn’t see me at all

you will sleep in the same shirt for three weeks before you realize it's just as ***** as the memories
and the apology will never come when it is stained with the tears you swore you wouldn't waste
he won't miss you when you are still remembering him like a reflex
but he will appear on a Thursday afternoon
empty text messages and you hate the way your mind feels dizzy
6 months clean and half in love with someone new
he was never meant to complete you
please believe me when I say he only wants you because you are no longer his
please don't go back to the very thing that broke you
expecting to be healed

I always wanted to pretend that nothing changed - that my feelings were steadfast
that who I loved then I would still love now
as if life weren't made up of seasons
I was scared of losing the passion and maybe losing the pain
but aren't we all made to move forward
and if love always stayed we wouldn't cling to it like our last breath
everything is temporary and I haven't decided whether that comforts or terrifies me

I was listening to sad songs on the way to work and crying in the grocery store before it was over
as if my heart knew before my head that you were too good to last
& it's not about how little or long I knew you or the way your lips felt against mine
time was never a deciding factor and I didn't lose sleep wishing I were kissing you
maybe it was me and my tendency to make things so much more than they are
but I always felt like I lost you before you really left

there are some people whom you simply cannot pull the darkness out of
you can love and love and love and they will empty you and ask why you have nothing more to give
because sometimes moths are drawn to your light
and sometimes it is better to protect yourself than try to save people
no amount of nourishment can help someone who doesn't want to bloom
there is a fine line between friendship and toxicity
I hope you learn to draw it

today it rained
I thought of you and how you might feel alone
and how I feel alone even though you’d never think it
I’m surrounded by so much love and I can’t get my thoughts away from the person I lost
and I hope you’re not still pretending to love the emptiness beside you and the spaces I once filled
you don’t have to like your solace as much as you pretend to
today it rained and I wondered how I’ll feel when you fall for someone new
I hope you give her the chance you never gave me
to show you intimacy and warmth and the kind of passion you keep searching for
I hope you stop looking
the way you should've when you had me

and if you choose to walk away, if you choose not to hold her
know that she will nurture herself back to light
she will move to a different city and make something of herself
and you'll spend tuesday mornings and sunday afternoons wondering if you let go of the love of your life
and you'll be walking a street corner in late September when you see her
warm air blowing through her thin hair and you have to give a second look
happiness looks wonderful on her
you'll small talk about the weather and pretend not to notice the ring on her fourth finger
she'll smile warmly and say she's glad to hear you're doing well
and the most well intentioned words feel like a gut punch
because all you want to do is tell her how your arms have been empty for the last 7 years
and you traded the person you love for the safety of being alone

You wouldn't understand the words I wrote about the way my hand felt resting in yours
you didn't care that I made you my home
that in the sorrows of this life you had a way of letting me forget about it all
& I thought that I could make you adore me
with the things I said;
how I couldn't make sense of anything except the way your chapped lips felt against mine
& the way your eyes looked while we sat beneath a street light
the effortless movement of your hands when a song you love played
I closed my eyes in those moments, in fear that what we had was fleeting
I worshiped you and you never had to ask me to
I know that some people are born with the uncontrolled capacity to give more love than they could ever possibly be returned
I just wanted you to have the same fondess I did
for the way my stomach never got used to seeing you
the way it felt like a lifetime and I could choose you everyday
& the thought of spending the rest of my days by you never scared me at all
& even after everything I'd let you have me all over again
if you wanted, that is
but you can't beg for someone to want you in the same way you want them
maybe in another life this isn't real and you see galaxies in my eyes the way I see everywhere I want to be in yours
but I know that in this life all the words you never said are breaking me apart
and there are so many miles between us
and I'd give you the world but you wouldn't let me

I lay awake and I think about the way feelings taste differently
the way every kiss before yours tasted bitter and nonchalant
the day grows dim and I don't know how to think of anything but you
I envy the pillow holding your head and the sheets wrapped in your body
It's 2 am and I swear I can still hear you after all of this time

I discovered you slowly
and I don't know that I ever believed opposites really attract
but you are my peaceful and I am your wild
I discovered your language and you tucked my hair behind my ear
assurance falls from your tongue like honey and it's got my hand stuck to yours for good-
"I love you
I love everything about you
even the things you hate, I love
and what you love I love even more"

I dare you to stay here for a day
find me in-between white sheets with yesterdays hair
and your t-shirt hanging off my shoulder
find you with your silk skin tangled in mine
let's forget the difference between the two
call out of work
tell them you aren't feeling well
but tell them you're in the sweetest hands
we can watch the sun rise and fall from the same positions
we can be the only lovers left in the wicked world
find my hair caught in your mouth and my feet curled against the edge of the bed
call it working from home

you look at me like you might drown in me
a body of water, to rinse away the exhaustion
you look at me like there are depths you've yet to dive into
uncharted territory
you trace the inches of me like there will always be more to love
like you will never grow tired of the skin I'm in
I've grown up knowing that my body is a temple
but I've never met someone so dedicated to worshipping it

you’ve been told that you love too much
as if the way they receive it is your fault and not theirs
you’ve been brutalized and burned
and they kept saying that maybe if you were a little less of this and a little more of that
you wouldn’t keep waiting for people to hurt you
like maybe you should work on giving in moderation
but believe me when I say
someday you’ll find someone who welcomes the depths of you
you felt like you had to hide from everyone else
he will never reduce the galaxies in your mind to mere constellations
he will love the way you give and the words you write
but he will love the way you love the most

every time somone has left
I've gotten a bit better at loving myself
there are lessons in the losses
and I've found solace in the vacancy beside me
I don't mean to refute my feelings
I still pray for someone to stay
but I won't let anyone feel as though they complete me
no one can disturb the peace I created in solitude

I don't think I'll ever love you but if you want the rain I'll be a thunderstorm
& if you prefer the warmer weather I'll burn so you can see the light of day
I'm not saying you'll ever be the one but I'm so used to all of these thoughts making me crazy
and with you I swear I never think at all
maybe I stopped believing in soulmates a while ago
but if there's such thing as bodies meant to dance and lips meant to touch
I think that's you and I

If you fall in love with yourself the way you want to be loved
you'll stop letting strangers take refuge in your body
a temporary home for a boy who doesn't care to understand you
If you could look at your reflection and find beauty in the spaces between your teeth
you'll learn lessons in the pieces of your shame
and you'll no longer feel safe in the arms of foreigners
your skin is your sanctuary
short-term visitors are not worthy of resting in it

I think the most important trait is to be teachable
to understand that sometimes you are wrong
that sometimes you don't know what is best
there will be times where you are hurt, others where you are the one doing the hurting
the cards you've been dealt don't take away your ability to break someone
you cannot use your pain as an excuse to be ignorant
understand it and rise above

I am yours in the first month of fall when the trees begin to dance their autumn song.
I am yours when the sun smothers your cheeks and I envy the way it kisses you.
I am yours when December air pulls against your lips and sends shivers down your spine.
I am yours in the crowd of a million people and I am especially yours when the silence of your solace drives you mad.
I love you.
and I am yours.

I could spend the rest of my nights searching for another you
trying on lovers like new pairs of shoes
knowing the sun will rise along with the memories
but I'd rather spend my morning hours with thoughts of you
than have to pretend his hands will ever compare to the way your words made me feel

one by one I am burning all of the bridges
the warmest I've ever been was the night I lost you
it hurt the way it does when you swallow a pill
your chest tightening and the strangest discomfort
and it seems like it might feel this way forever
until it doesn't
losing you didn't feel like a disaster
it messes with my mind because I've never known how to let someone walk away
without begging them to stay
it's as if from the first night we met I was preparing for goodbye
I've had far too many glimpses of the kind of love that wrecks you
to ever settle for going through the motions

you probably think you drained me that afternoon
stole the last bit of hope I had that love is more than bare bodies pressed against each other in the dark
but I still have the same fire in me I’ve had since I was six years old
hearing my father slur his words at 2 am while I pretended to sleep, trembling hands and sweaty palms until we make it home
and I swore I’d never choose a bottle and a hollow heart over someone I was meant to love
but if I didn’t need a man then to show me I was worth more than empty promises and inconsistent affection
what makes you think I’d need one now?