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 Jun 2014 Madame Eleanor
Coco Li
I want you to stay sane
even for a week
maybe a month
hoping it could last for a year
and so it can be forever.

I need you here.

stay sane.
It wasn't easy for me. I've been battling anxiety for years, it was since my highschool days. It's like diving deeply underneath the ocean floor, unprepared for what's coming, full of darkness. I realize that I need to help myself. I've been doing a lot of works lately. As much as possible I talk to many people, even strangers. I just wanted to let it out. I wanted to stay sane.
I’ve seen a fiend inside me,
who seemed destined to be,
so attentive and aggressive at manipulating,
these doctors and these nurses
whom when they see me,
they lock up all the pills,
and then they swallow the key.
But I moan and I groan to own the script that I seek.
Let insurance pay my habit,
now my checks spent on ****.
it might be a life without light,
but to me,
its alright i’m just fine
so stop worrying please.
If I need some help then you know,
you'll hear it from me.
But until then just chill,
while i **** these zanies.
Once I’m gone then I’m gone
and i know that I’m wrong,
coping with prescriptions just to string me along.
Cause addictions a sickness,
and a big ***** to live with.
Your mind plays these games,
and fools you with tricks which,
say it’s okay,
and it starts to convince you,
you cant walk without your crutches,
when life starts to trip you.
And thats when it hits you.
The fact of the matter.
Which gets even sadder.
The higher I was,
the lower the ladder.
The lighter the buzz,
the chase even faster.
Used to smoke bud,
like some just for laughter.
But moved onto drugs,
that sent my life down to crapper.
So i just flushed,
and rushed in a new chapter.
Not saying I’m perfect,
but it works if you work it.
I wouldn't say I’m an addict, just a curious person.
Paper.
Is canvas so white,
I ruin what it is every time that i write.
Or create what it had the potential to be...art.
So she breaks me down.
Uncreates someone that had potential to be...smart
but dumbed down,
lower than the ground,
to appease his main squeeze.
Everytime she came around,
it was like he lost his ground;
and with lost ground comes broken dreams.
Broken hearts and unspoken things,
that needed to be said.
I cant believe the things I've heard or seen.
*******
**** kisser.
*******.
used to love her,
now I miss her,
every hot summer.
Every cold winter,
to hold so close.
Like a puzzle we would fit we could sit nose to nose,
and not say a word,
not move one muscle,
we would still find a way to get us into trouble.
The better we were,
the worse that we got.
However clever our harsh words were,
we always worried a lot.
When things got too good,
we hurried to stop.
And blame got very,very blurry a lot.
Our own worst enemy.
Or are we?
Who are we?
We’re not we.
We are you and me.
Separate as could be,
ill be a,
you and you be z
because you see...
we were a canvas so white.
You ruined what we were
with the habits and the fights.
Now we is a past tense term,
that isn't spoken
because its known when,
brought up
the subject takes a wrong turn.
And things are said that were never meant.
Ego’s tongue spits out its two cents.
But more than two or three or four,
so many cents we’re talking dollar stores.
So many ups downs all arounds,
peaks and valleys,
so many smells and sounds,
that equal you.
Like a sequel taking me back to the first time,
the very first case of some stomach butterflies.
But now i feel empty,
so empty down inside.
If you hadn’t marked this canvas,
this blank white canvas of mine.
3 days ago I cried for the first time in 5 months.
I felt a drop or two, as my body heaved in pain
and desperation.

I thought I forgot how to cry.
I thought that I had the ability to be stronger than that
Or that the veins that constricted
my deamons
Were indestructible.

I was wrong.
I can cry
And I can feel
But the feelings haven't changed from then
I feel weak.
I want my strength back
I don't want a constant tug at the back of my throat.
I broke.
I want to be fixed.
at 4 years old, she rode a horse for the first time and
felt this sensation  she thought only a book could give her.
at 7 years old, she caught her dad coming in the house
with someone else’s lips on his neck and all she
could remember was how red they were, similar to the roses he
brought home on valentines day every year
(he only brought home seven, the other five were hidden).
at 15 years old, she told a boy she loved him,
but she was talking to someone else.
at 16 years old, she chose me.
at 16 years old, she gave me herself for the first time.
at 16 years old, we got caught by the cops.
at 16 years old, i told her i loved her.
at 18 years old, she cried her eyes out because i didn’t love her
anymore (or so she thought).
at 19 years old, she chose someone else.
at 25 years old, i think she married him.
at 32 years old, i think she was looking for me in the deepest parts of her
mind, but she forced herself to forget how my voice sounded
at 6am when i woke up from her shoulders fourteen years ago.

i think she wanted to me to write this,
but its become a prayer to me how i’ve said her name
under my breath when a priest passes me by.
i think my lips are the same color as the women your
father cheated with, but they’ve been stained with blood
because i don’t want to lose the way you said i love you.
i think too much, and i lost perception on what’s a dream anymore.
god doesn’t wake up in time at 4am to answer my prayers anymore.
who the **** cares anymore
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAMWdvo71ls
 Jun 2014 Madame Eleanor
Court
You were almost the one.
You almost loved me.
We almost made it.
We almost had the time of our lives.
I almost understood the five heartbreaks before you.
I was almost content with how the constellations looked down on us.

*but almost never got anyone anywhere
Six heartbreaks later, and I almost still believe in love.
I almost believed in us.
The world almost spun for us.
 Jun 2014 Madame Eleanor
Court
If it doesn't set your insides on fire, is it really love?
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