I'm clicking my pen
against my teeth
thinking of you
hoping you'll hear
I don't know to what end
but I don't want it to end
some beginning things
would be lovely

I'm starting to see shadows
in the peripherals of my
memory
the noises are a muffled
echo
this illness filters
I'm scared
I'm alone
stumbling over what was
always there

Keeping a corpse
as company
cold hands to match mine
at least this one
stays
At least this one
listens
warmth it seems
corrupts

Unlikely on what ends?
How do I dream
When I never ever know
to begin with?

I don't have scars
I have words
buried into my skin
seeping deep past my flesh
through an innocent pen
wielded by a ruthless
broken poet

It's like I'm
building a house
but I don't know I'm
made to live in trees
and I don't know
stairs are supposed to go up
so I just
spiral in place
with hammer and nails
in hand
and an open white wall
future in mind
trying my best
my absolute best
to ignore the leaves
growing from the vines
wrapped around
each and every vein

I was broken
pieces of glass
on a hard unforgiving floor
You knew I was broken
You told me I was broken
yet you took up a hammer
and crushed
what I had left
of myself
into a dust
coarse
and painful even to look at

Go on
Dig nails into my hands
for frustration
at their creating
nothing

I would tell you
to do what you want
with me
my body
but I already know
that's nothing

Somewhere in the apology
I lost my direction
a nervous outpouring
commingled with red heat
In the most obvious of places
and well
my train derailed
in a flurry of regret

You missed your chance
his ears were free
But you hid silent
under the canvas where he
can't see
and won't want

I wake up every morning
with blood between my teeth
so I keep my mouth
shut
as tight as I can
I don't want the red
in my friends' eyes
I clench closed harder
and bleed more
but then you say hello
and your deep voice
numbs my gums
and I'm not afraid
to give more than
a Mona Lisa smile

The best of intentions
has fed the worst of habits
birthing bitter memories
Echoes that crawl and creep
when you're not looking
into the shadows
where you pretend not to know
they are

If I sigh louder
will they notice?
At what decibel
will I sound damaged?
Do I have to scream
my hurts in their faces
to make them hear my pain?
To make them care.
My problems must air
in tears
and blood

So rich and red
was the blood
when I cut my tongue
on an expression of love

dazed and confused
stuck in a murky stupor
the warmth of spring
and the lure of a free day
they tore down the calendar
and stole my books
so here I lay
unaware

I walked myself into a
house of mirrors
where I'm slowly drowning
in my own well-wrought tears
I didn't get to say goodbye
so at every turn
I see myself
and choke on a grim hello

My pen is running from me
it knows the power it holds
The danger in my hand
that wields it

The more you look
the more you see
little things
like a patch of red
amongst neatly clipped
chocolate hair
endearing little traits
pieces of a visual whole
that tie the vision together

My smile
so 'easy'
muffles the sound
of the scream
swirling in my chest
ready to tear through
my heart
and break past my
flashed teeth

It's the deadpan
he said
moving his hand
across his face
No
It's me
I thought right back

I am angry
that you don't see
how much it hurts
when I swoon

Or maybe you do
you just say nothing
and that just makes me
sad

Answer me
Answer me
You don't understand
please
these ears were made for
laughter
love
the speech of friends
please
answer me
You don't understand
what silence does to me
I'm begging you
please
answer me
anybody
answer me

I need to quit this
bittersweet
Candy Man
sweet sugar
burns my eyes
he's rotting my teeth
out of my
***** mind

Alone
in a darkened room
I have hidden
with the
chalkdust remnants
of a dissembled nation

Will these ones stay?
Not many do
My exposure is hard to handle
for long
it takes them time
time enough to raise my hopes
to a haven of peace
and love all around
for them to cut and run
cut and run
through my heart and over my soul
I am trampled and hewn and ******
from so many old stampedes
frightened well wishers
How will these fare?
How will I manage?

Quiet sincerity
and a deep brown stare
I like sitting here with you
engrossed in our philosophy
where will the conversation lead
that I could foresee wistfully
but a practical short time reality
pervades
so I am content with you before me

I don't share this view
Not with anyone I know
maybe I have my
pen and journal
but as alive as they are
they're just dead things
so really
I'm lonely

Countless cards and
Infinite ink just
so that you might turn around
and flick your eyes up and down
the length of my body
and
spread a soft smile
gently
warm and honest
across your flushed face
you may turn right back around
bashful
so nobody sees
but I saw
and it was worth
every word

lift me up
I want to touch clouds
from your golden wings
they'll melt in the rain
but the fall
will be worth the ecstasy

A gargantuan
among flimsy slips
the card
Where the world was dropped

Shake me down
just try
I'm walking up
in the air
the wind
playing with my hair
like a lover
excited to have me back in his bed
after a long
long
time away

There have always been
dead smiles between
my teeth
Dishonestly
I resent them

Close your eyes little girl
close them and dream
Dream of a day
when all you want is what you have
Dream of a you
completely yourself
Dream of a future
you can live with
Close your eyes little girl
close them against the reality of now
but don't forget
it's what you have to get through
first

Awful spirit
reclined in a chair
sleeping in indifferent good humor
Hold your legs up
let us look on sideways
and don't you dare look back

Spotlight on an empty field
Where is the knight?
He slumps by a stream
I don't know what he waits for
or why I can't look away
All is concentrated
in that one spot
where nothing really happens

The turn of the corner
is where the rainbows
hide
learn to cut corners
(glass and walk)
you'll find transfixing
color

I wish I didn't have to
pick my way
across each room
I don't want every
single step
to have to be
so carefully chosen
I want to run all out
this tiptoe dance
is tiring me

Second time
around
here we go
or we may not
so I'll board the merry-go-round
this carousel of disappointment
expectant as always
I shouldn't be

My head hurts
because you're forcing my jaw
shut
where you once
opened up an easy smile

Staring
glazed over
lost in a state of wonder
single planed
dimension of disembodied one
I find my courageous future
in the pinnacle
of a symmetric background
a whole wall of it before me
this is what we're dying for
in this moment above forward
and all beyond
us
so innocent a face
to your dark new feel
meta strange
wheel and float
you are mine
it is ours
this gives me hope
and a willingness to
grander cohesion
I wish this will all
be vibrant tomorrow

Just because I
traveled down a
new road
doesn't mean I can't
revisit old footpaths
favorite strolls
in shady memory past
New destinations
good
not permanent

Parallels running
stagnant
frozen underneath a bridge
we are unsure where the
water leads
So we watch the light
bounce off it
and theorize

Shadow and sun
converge on sinkholes
who could have known
Snow could be both so
strong and fragile
to support the entirety
of a complete
and a slight
profile?

I smile all
warmth and
summer of best intentions
host of hopes in spring
lukewarm courtesy is all
I receive
so I just put my head down
to hide my frigid burning tears
ineffectually with my
cold steel hacked so short
and shove my numb hands
into the snow
I have packed into my
ample pockets

You're so
dry
you'll soak
any old
mean word
up

I'm bleeding bones
and weeping bile
everything hurts
just that much more
because you
stole my blood
and stole my tears

Have you ever seen
the inside of bones?
look into your own
the red mess
impossibly deep
pour it out like a slow night
watch it closely
the fragments fall
all you are on the floor
clarity comes
once that experience of
breaking and melting
comes to pass

A broken pencil
and some cruel words
a nuisance
an uncomfortable memory of a fantasy
that's all I am
now

A gradient of shade
blocks out what falls
and I'm left wondering
what comes next