Maddie Lane

Maddie Lane Oct 2014

Untitled

St-st-stuttering over undeserved apologies,
these eggshells are hurting my feet,
I've been walking on them for eternity.

Elephants stomp on my heart,
SOMEONE TELL THEM TO STOP,
my voice never raises above a whisper.

Tread
c
a
r
e
f
u
l
l
y
,
always.

Wearing your
heart
on your sleeve
makes it easy to steal.

LISTEN TO ME.
Build walls,
dig moats,
anything that will
halt
people from getting close to you,
close enough to hurt you.

Know that hurt is inevitable if you don't listen.
Giving someone your heart means signing a contract in blood,
it means stuttering over apologies.
Apologies that aren't always deserved,
but are somehow always given.

Sep 2014

bucky

the five stages of loss and grief

step 1: de·ni·al
noun
the action of declaring something to be untrue.
i thought about sending you an email today.
i got through four drafts before i quit.
i haven't talked to you in three months. i haven't deleted your messages in three months. i haven't stopped thinking about you in three months. my heart is still synced with yours. it stopped beating 131,487 minutes ago. please leave a message after the beep.

step 2: an·ger
noun
a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, or hostility.
i'm glad you're gone. you were a house but you were never a home for me. i've moved three times since i left.
you shoved your fingers down my throat and left me retching in the snow, excuses tripping on their way out of your cherry bitten lips.
you made me your slaughterhouse, blood on my hands and heart.
i am made of too many things, a conglomeration the size of a galaxy, thirty people sewn into my skin. there is a hole in my chest the size of your fist. please leave a message after the beep.

step 3: bar·gain
verb
negotiate the terms and conditions of a transaction.
(maybe if i had loved you a little less you would have learned to love me back)

step 4: de·pres·sion
noun
severe despondency and dejection, typically felt over a period of time and accompanied by feelings of hopelessness and inadequacy.
i spent more time thinking about you than i ever did about myself. i'm not sure if this is selfish or selfless and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i hung up on you once and you didn't speak to me for a week and i'm not sure if this is love or hatred and i'm not sure if i know the difference. i haven't spoken to you in seven months. please leave a message after the beep.

step 5: ac·cept·ance
noun
agreement with or belief in an idea, opinion, or explanation.**
you told me that acceptance was the same as tolerance.
i don't think i believe you.
i haven't spoken to you in twelve months.
please leave a message after the beep.

if i put your name in an anagram and showed it to you would you remember a thing

#anger #loss #bad #angst #idk #denial #acceptance #etc #thisisaboutashittyrelationship

Maddie Lane Sep 2014

Never (12w)

I can never make you love me,
I'm finally okay with that.

It took a while but I've finally accepted it.

#relationships

Maddie Lane Sep 2014

My hands

will always be far too small to catch all that is crumbling.
It is all crumbling.

It seemed to have imploded,
infiltrated from the inside,
we lost all that we had
(which really wasn't much)

I don't think it can ever be the same,
Broken things are hard to put back together-
especially when no one wants to.

I showed up,
hard hat on my head,
ready to repair,
until I saw that I was the only one there.

#family

Maddie Lane Sep 2014

I'll always wonder

when our bones crumble and turn to dust,
as we both know is inevitable,
will we be remembered?

When my smile fades,
or becomes a facade,
will you notice?

I've been wondering for some time now how easy it is to let people leave your memories,
I know that I've always struggled with it.

I know that optimism would say that it's difficult,
pessimism would say it's as easy as breathing,
but what about the realistic part of the mind?
Is it actually easy?
I put effort and energy into make people fade into the past,
do you do the same?

Maddie Lane Sep 2014

It's not about you,

anymore.
It's about this ever-growing emptiness that I feel when remnants of our time together appear.
It's about the reminder that I am alone,
that I will likely be lonely for a while.
I do not miss you, do not take this as a love poem or anything of that sort.
You are merely a frame of reference for a time when I was not so alone.
I feel that when I knew you was a different time in life,
so much has changed,
very little that existed during that time remains.
Memories are blurred as I willfully forget them
(I've been wishing them away for months now)
but still some linger,
a reminder of the time when I wasn't so alone.

Maddie Lane Aug 2014

New York City

In the hustle and bustle of the city I will always wonder why it is so easy to feel alone.
How is the easiest thing to feel loneliness?
Why is the hardest thing to feel happiness?
I used to revel in being alone, I used to take every silence as a moment for my creativity to bloom.
Now I dread it.

I feel that I could shout it from the top of the tallest building,
make it front page news,
and still no one would hear me.