Maddie Lane

Maddie Lane Feb 2013

I don't even think this deserves a title.

I do not know how to put my thoughts into words.
It's just never worked out for me.
I may be sober but my words are drunk.
I don't know what I am saying to you.
I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.
What is the point of this all?
We go to high school and graduate, that's expected.
We go to a decent college, start to build the debt that we will be in until we are old,
that's expected.
We go to graduate school to get a good job,
continue to build our debt.
We get out of school and struggle to find a job.
More often than not we are not happy.
What's the point of it?
We are unsure of our words because they have no point?
The get us from point A to point B.
Happiness is nowhere in between.
We just mumble and stutter our way through this uncertainty that we call life.

Maddie Lane Feb 2013

Okay

I want to tell you that it is going to be okay.
It's not
I can't lie to you
(I'm scared)
What does the future hold?
I have no idea
All I know is no matter how many miles are between us,
you will always be on my mind.
Whether you are right next to be or a hundred miles away,
you are on my mind.
It is a scary thing for the future to be so up in the air.
Everything is uncertain
Nothing is permanent.
Who do you trust these days?
No one but the dog.

Maddie Lane Feb 2013

Blame.

Blame is heavy;
it seems you've forgotten that.
You put the blame on me without thinking that maybe I can't bear its weight.
It seems to not enter your mind that it could crush me.
We both know I'm not strong
(at least, I thought you knew that)
I am weak minded,
I used to be strong hearted.
You broke that long ago.
The love that I had for you,
the love for you that was in my genes,
has somehow disappeared.
I lay in bed at night,
aching for you to care,
hoping that maybe one day you will try to call me.
You don't.
It's been two weeks without a single word.
The last words you spoke were angry,
you shouted as you mercilessly put the blame on me.
It seems that you forgot to take it with you when you left.

Maddie Lane Feb 2013

Every picture is that of a smile

Old photographs taunt me.
They show a time where everyone was happy,
a time that I have no memory of.
I look at photos and am forced to imagine what it must have felt like,
to have everyone under one roof,
happily.
To be a normal family.
Nothing like the mess we are today.
I have vague memories from before the separation.
I remember a certain argument,
where they were shouting so loud,
I had to lead my sister outside.
We sat under my colorful umbrella,
I read my American Girl Doll book about divorce.
I don't remember how they told us what was going to happen.
I don't even remember the day my dad moved out.
I'm not sure how, I wasn't even that young.
Maybe I erased it from my memory.
History is repeating itself.

Maddie Lane Jan 2013

I

I am alone.
I am afraid.
I am sorry.
I am a disappointment.
I never meant for it to be this way.
I just wanted a happy family.
I am unsure of what I did.
I sometimes wish I was never born.
I wish you could be happy.
I wish you didn't hate me.
I wish I didn't hate you.
I wish we could keep up the facade for a few more months.
I wish I had paid attention.
I wish I had a plan.
I wish I was smarter.
I wish I wasn't such a disappointment.
I am sorry you don't want me.
I am sorry you have to defend me.
I am sorry to be causing so many issues.
I am sorry.
I am afraid.
I am alone.

Maddie Lane Jan 2013

Sometimes words aren't enough.

Your words are kind,
they are not nearly enough.
I need comfort- not advice.
I can try to look through muddied waters myself,
I just need you to grab me before I accidentally fall in.
I need to know that I will not drown.
Your words are comforting,
but I need your touch.
I need you to kiss away the tears like you usually do,
keep my face dry.
Tell me that everything will be okay.
Tell me it's not my fault.
Make me smile,
I'm not sure I know how to anymore,
but your touch is a surefire way to make me smile,
forget my problems for a moment,
to be happy.
But you are hundreds of miles away,
offering me your words.
I am sorry.
They are not enough.
Distance is to blame,
not you,
you're trying, that's admirable.
You just won't be able to fix me from hundreds of miles away.
All I need is your touch.

Maddie Lane Jan 2013

226.08 miles

Two hundred twenty six point zero eight.
That's the quickest route from my door to yours.
I have never felt so alone.
You try to fill the void in my heart with phone calls,
I admire your attempts.
We fill the silences with:
"I love you"
"I miss you"
"I need you"
But it is not nearly enough,
it does not work.
I am still alone.
Waiting,
always waiting.
Waiting for this year to end.
Waiting for you to be closer.
Waiting for the day where you are not two hundred miles away, but a couple feet away.
Waiting for the day where we rest our head on the same pillow.
Waiting for the day where I stop crying every time I think about how far you are,
how long it is until I see you again,
how lonely I am.
Waiting to stop feeling so alone.
Waiting to get used to being left behind.
So
much
waiting.