i’m trying to be strong but i have to admit

living without you

ruins me.

*the hurting continues

I laughed at the way
you ruined my darkness now
you're gone and smiling.

In one year we went
from being two planets
that revolved around each other to
one trick question written in braille on a blank page.
Only one of us could not see.

This year will be better,

Good,

BRIGHT, even.

I promise myself that.

And I don’t plan on breaking that promise,

Or breaking any other part of myself

For that matter.

it’s hard

to stop staring at you

to not count the seconds between the gaps in which

i’m not smiling

it’s hard listening to you

not because i don’t understand

it’s

the way you speak as if i have given you my heart

and you are spewing out its truth

through a megaphone, its remnants echoing

off of our bodies as if

they were buildings built side by side

it’s hard to walk away from you

knowing i’ve already swam too far in

the ocean of

wanting and not having

treading water,

the bittersweetness of walking away from you wondering

if you can feel the piece of my heart i slipped under your skin

when we leaned in close to say goodbye.

Time is money
Distance is money
Money is money

But when your best friend lives in a different country and a single phone call from you
Might give her the chance to remember
What real laughter feels like,
A 47$ phone call really doesn't mean anything
In the long run.

i needed you now

not then

not tomorrow

probably last week

and probably in a week

or maybe tomorrow at 2 o’clock

until my walls go back up

and when you invite me over

i’ll say no.

because *******

i wrote down the definition of
loneliness
and then i wrote down the definition of
solitude
directly below it,
so that i will always have some kind of reference point
for when i confuse the two.
(which is often.)

in three days i am going
to get on that plane
and as soon as i feel
your warm embrace
i already know
i am never going
to want to
come back.

i keep having dreams
about you
they are another version
of waking life
and sometimes i wonder
if there is any way out
of the shadows in which
you haunt me.

For once in my life
I'm not craving you
For once in my life I'm not
Needing
Waiting for you
To say
I miss you
I love you
I need you
I want you
I'm sad come help me
How are you? Come over
You're brilliant
I'm sorry
Please, come back

For once in my life I feel understood
Even if it's by one person who lives
3,781.8 km away
Someone is better than no one
I'm understood and loved unconditionally and for once
I'm not scared
Of abandonment because I've learned
That I can only ever really truly
Abandon myself.

And actually sometimes,
What's gold
Can and will
Stay.

Fear
Of being what you are not,


Happy.