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Lydia Jan 11
sometimes I wish you could make someone take back something they said
because as soon as they did
the image you had of them in your mind explodes in an instant
they are just like Them after all,
there’s the hate and prejudice and refusal to have empathy for others that seems to flow so freely these days
no where feels safe anymore in a world where the people you love are part of the problem
Lydia Jul 2018
Why do I pick people with problems, as if I don't have enough already?

I can barely breathe through my own flaws, how am I supposed to love someone through theirs?
Lydia Jun 2024
I got my raise at work today
it’s a reminder that you’re worth is based on percentages in life and titles that you hold
I should be so happy
I should be grateful for pennies because I even got anything at all
my value is in the dollar amount I make an hour and bring home annually and I should feel proud that it still isn’t enough but I made more this year than I did last year so how dare I be ungrateful
I should be purposefully working my youth away for a few cents every year because I have a job and I have a roof over my head and bills to pay
And ya know Wow what a blessing it is to be alive and be a human
in the rat race called life I should just so grateful to be here….
Lydia Sep 2024
I wonder if my cat knows
she’s helped me keep going
a few times
by just choosing to sit in my lap
Lydia Apr 2018
For the first time in my life I realized
Love is not heavy breathing from tears that wouldn't stop falling,
It's not begging someone to stay and then being left only to slam the door

It is not explaining myself in a sentence that goes nowhere
or feeling alone in a room next to the person who is supposed to care

It is not wishing for understanding or the feeling that no one ever will,
The emptiness inside when physical touch is no longer yearned for
or expected

Love is someone who won't go because they want to stay
and sweet hands wiping away salty tears from my cheeks before they even touch my lips
It is ears to listen and a mind to grasp all of me even when I don't understand myself
It is wanting a person for all their worth and loving them for all their flaws
It is soft kisses and giggles and laying in your lap as you stroke my hair

Real love has shown me
all of what I thought was true,
has always been a test,
I know I won't ever have to fall against the closed door ever again wondering how love could hurt so much
Lydia Feb 2019
I’m so anxious I can’t sleep
I have to get up for work at 4 am
I’m a little light headed
and my stomach hurts
I have a numbing sensation running through my legs to my head
I’m scared
I just want to cry
and scream
and run
and sleep
all at the same time
I’m so ******* uncomfortable right now I am mad
I’m lonely
I don’t want to be alone right now
but I also don’t want to be bothered
My prescription ran out and this is what I get for not getting it filled in time
My anxiety makes me so forgetful and spontaneous
Lydia Jul 2022
when I think of regrets in this life
there are more than I could count on both hands and feet
regret is natural and normal and healthy
but some of it is not
the kind that creeps up on you day after day
when your brain isn’t fully involved in something or a conversation and so there is space to fill with memories, ideas, or a bunch of nonsense
or all of the bad things you’ve ever done in your whole entire life
I’m not sure if I’ve ever really told anyone or said them out loud even
the past ruminates in my conscious
waiting to bite me in the most random moments when I least expect it
several sentences in and I still can’t get it out
the words are there right behind my lips but I can’t get them out
I might die one day being the only one who knows
Lydia Nov 2016
The fan is on, the constant hushing sound adding rhythm to the room
I can hear the hum of cars passing by outside my window
a added sense that I am not alone even though I am here by myself
Novembers cooling touch has crept in
nipping at my toes, drying my already dry pale skin
my favorite time of year when life seems to slow down, putting a glow on the usually bland days
here in my bed under the warmth of my flannel blankets all is right with my world
but my brain still finds something to bring the anxiety out
I thought if I started writing down my thoughts on paper it would lessen the night time stress
but then I stress about not writing on the nights I forget
the streetlight outside my window flashes a constant shadow on my wall
and I find comfort in that
something about the added light on my wall is friendly, familiar
when my brain finally shuts off I fall into dreams of my past
of people I haven't seen in years, all the stories blend into one
repeating like a rerun
at least I still have dreams
even if they're only in my sleep
Lydia Nov 2017
I have been the thunder
tearing through life with a heavy heart
drenching my soul with sorrow
as if in a dark cloud
I was surrounded by my own grief
over not living the life I had always dreamed
afraid of the wind ripping my roots out of the ground like flowers in a thunderstorm
not realizing that like the sun,
I will always find my way back
Self realization
Lydia Apr 19
It makes me sad
to my soul to say,
I think there’s one that got away

It would be my fate,
to meet my soulmate,
a few years too late

What could have been
is lost to the abyss,
So within my heart,
You’re mine to miss
Lydia Feb 1
I know
So many
Secrets
About so many
People
I could just
Three
Two
One
Blow up their tomorrow’s
By revealing what they did
yesterday
Lydia Apr 2020
I never understood what the phrase “seeing red” meant until yesterday
when I turned into a cherry while I was angry
It was the first time I’ve ever gotten so mad that I noticed my skin was red all over my body
like the blood had risen to the very top layer  trying to burst out and explode, just like the words from my mouth were
I was seeing the red all over my lips when the things I was saying were warning signs of hurt, volatility, and fear
that they may have sounded sharp like a razor drawing blood, but were actually disguised insecurity overflowing from my red, bleeding heart
I was seeing red bloodshot eyes from the volume my voice was reaching
it was so loud my ears didn’t even recognize the sounds coming from within me
the noise was so piercing it was like my eyes panicked, the natural blue color faded and they shrank away from the anger by disguising themselves as someone else’s
the red was everywhere in me
the color of stop or else you’ll hurt or get hurt
I saw red meant that my heart was breaking
Lydia May 2022
It is disappointing
that every thing you think and build up in your mind
is better than the reality of it
Lydia Jul 2024
the things that hurt me
are not what I ever expect to
I remember what those words felt like
when they are numbing
I immediately **** into myself straight for disassociation for protection
it stung so hard you should’ve smacked me
when I’m left speechless
and my heart turns off
I don’t find it ever works the same again
the things you say that hurt me
are not curses but they cast a spell on me
back to wondering if I’m too sensitive
Lydia Aug 2020
I feel my chest filling up with pressure
my heart is in knots
and my stomach hurts
I am feeling so very sad that it’s painful
I’m so sad about this whole thing
I guess I just have to say I’m laying in bed and my throat feels like it’s closing as I choke back sobs
They say good times will come
I’m starting to become afraid that I’ve used all of my good times in the past
I have given so much of myself to people I’ve become used up
and left with an empty shell of a girl who used to laugh and sing and dance and take silly photographs and drink a little too much, read and write poems
I’ve become the shell of that girl
and I miss her very much
Lydia Sep 2015
Its the little things you do,
like the way you pulled the covers up over my exposed body before you left this morning
You probably thought I was asleep
but I was awake enough for a minute to see the last thing you did before you shut the bedroom door,
and went downstairs
was take care of me

it's in those moments that I fall even deeper in love with you
the moments that remind me how lucky I am
to be the center of someones world
who absolutely dosent have to revolve around my orbit
but decided that they wanted to

I am loved deeper in my weakest moments
you never stop trying
your love is unwavering
even when I do nothing but push against you
you simply stay
and love me
anyways

maybe it's because we're more than lovers
we are two souls
connected in a bond tighter than I think either of us can comprehend
you are my best friend
and loving you comes easy
natural, free flowing,
like breathing

many people will confess their undying love for someone in their lifetime
claim that their relationship is stronger than anyone else's  that they know
that they have something so special no one could ever understand
but I don't think our love is complicated
or hard to comprehend
because with us
you get what you see
and simplicity is the beauty of the bond that we share
we have never needed more than just each other

because love is enough
Lydia Nov 2018
I feel like my skin is crawling
I am bottled up
and my jaw keeps clenching
I am just feeling rough this week
I need a break
Can't wait for one
I hate when I'm like this
I can feel myself being angry
and a little mean for no reason
I dont mean to be
It's that feeling of needing space
but also being cuddled at the same time
I can be so stubborn when I'm like this
which aggravates me more
I wish I could peel off my skin today and put on someone else's
Lydia Sep 2018
I think I'm just bloated but today I feel fat
my period is probably just going to start soon
maybe that's why when I spotted those dreaded stretch marks between my legs while shaving it totally ruined my day
it's a bad combination of insecurities
flaws I pick and pick at until it drives me insane
my thighs are too thick one day
and the next I feel like showing off my legs
my tummy is too round this week so big shirts it is
I know if I don't eat much for a couple of days I'll be happy when my abdomen sinks back in
but then I'll feel bad that I did that just to feel good about myself again
Lydia Aug 2023
it’s the feelings of embarrassment
shame
guilt
pressure
remorse
and
stupidity
I have felt this before
now it rearing it’s ugly head again making me feel small
Im the size of an ant inside
people always do this to me
they always say they won’t or that they didn’t mean to
but I think that’s a lie and it’s human nature instead
it’s those small power trips someone gets from putting another down that carry most through life so they themselves don’t feel small too
Lydia Jul 2024
this morning I’ve already done the thing where my brain attacks itself and starts to wish things upon myself that would keep me from having to be a human,
or I start to pine to just be a snail,
a slimy, low to the ground, nothing to do,
snail,
I’d be green and I would take my time, scooting along munching on a leaf as I passed it by,
being spineless may feel weightless, I bet my back wouldn’t hurt,
maybe I would take a nap in the sun and then die and not even know
Lydia Feb 2019
My problem is I don’t let people use me anymore
if you don’t understand how that’s a problem
then you’re being used by someone
I refuse to let another human take advantage of my kindness or have some of my energy they do not deserve
even if it’s just a smile or to make them laugh
they do not deserve me
they do not get to use me up just for their own gain
by being so aware
it causes me to become outcast from others often
I feel their energies and vibes so strongly it makes my stomach churn
some people carry darkness around them
but only a few of us can see it
those dark pieces try to soak up any light left in anyone who has enough to take
but oh, when I meet those who shine
they can be so bright they are blinding
Lydia May 2024
when my chest gets tights and I start to feel like I can’t breathe,
grabbing onto you steadies me,
just the heat from your skin and the energy of you is enough to heal me,
I feel like a little kid gripping my favorite stuffed animal,
a soft blanket of your warmth wrapped around me as your words of patience and kindness surround my anxiety
you’re too good for me
Lydia Jun 2019
I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to show my love
or why I can be so present and unavailable when you need me the most
it’s not like I don’t feel it
the way my issues have built up a wall
I look so warm but I’m cold to the touch
my ability to love is shadowed by my self hate
I’m sorry you fell in love with someone who hurts themselves but causes you pain
Lydia Aug 2018
If you could just stay around me all of the time
that would be great
carry me when I'm feeling like I can't stand anymore,
hold the weight,
prop me up and shower me in confidence when I can't find any of my own
kiss my bruises
and form me into something beautiful
in your eyes I am always magnificent,
I need more of that in my life

maybe I am guilty of needing you too much
I always said I would never let my soul rely on another,
but
with you it's like breathing,
it's just too easy
Lydia Jun 2023
when I was younger I had so much to say
I think I overdid it and spilled so much out
I have nothing left in my cup to even sprinkle
Lydia Aug 2017
Sometimes I think about you
I wonder if you think I just go on with my day to day life, never a thought of you crossing my mind

Some days I can
not think about you or your voice or where you are;
how you're doing

Most days things cross my mind  

like all the beautiful things you said to me
and I don't mean the compliments, I mean the way you spoke about life,
how you're voice floated to me like the nicest sound Id ever heard

I think about how you were nice to me,
nicer than anyone ever has been
How your soul was sad like mine, the way your eyes searched for something

You told me once how it felt so good that you had found me
like you had waited your whole life for me
You always said things like that,
no one else has ever said anything like that to me

I think a lot about the pretty things you loved to tell me
Lydia Jun 2018
out of bed and into your arms
your fresh eyes, morning hair and scruffy face,
your hands go up my sides and back around my waist as you
pull me close and take me in
no where else on earth feels this much like home,
I've never felt such security in fingertips before
loving you is like breathing
because I can't get enough
Lydia Dec 2023
For over 6 months I couldn’t cry
as someone who has spent countless tears over her lifetime, it made me feel disconnected from myself
even when it made sense, I physically couldn’t
I started to think there was something wrong with me or that I had lost a part of myself that feels so deeply it causes tears
and then, just like that
I started again
I’ve cried two days in a row
and yes, it is a good thing
to be feeling again
Lydia Dec 2020
Today has turned into one of those days where I feel like I’m missing out on life
whatever that means
wherever it means


it means I’m at home, a young mother at 25, at home on a Tuesday evening and I have work in the morning and I’m feeling left out
I’m feeling jealous of anyone who isn’t tied down to someone
I’ve gotten to taste what that life is like,
on the weekends my son is with his father,
it’s bittersweet,
It feels so good to do what you want with no responsibility for a little while
but having someone to miss and a home to go home to hits different when you know what you’re missing


It’s a lonely life
I didn’t realize how isolating parenthood can be
how many hours alone I would spend
how much time I’d be unable to talk to another adult
how much I’d feel left out by the people I care about
how many times I’ve had to turn down plans because I had my child

It’s also a fulfilling life
a beautiful one
a challenging one
a scary one
a fun, adorable, loving, and be loved life I have

It’s just a Tuesday night
and I’m at home with my kid on my couch in my living room
one day I’m gonna miss these days
I have successfully written myself out of the funk I was in when I started this
thanks for listening
Lydia Jan 11
the difference in the lives of women and men seems to be
That a man can live his entire life selfishly without being chastised or accused
But a woman has to live hers selflessly or else she will be called selfish
Lydia Nov 2018
when you find the one
who makes you feel at home
no matter where you are
who brings you comfort and warmth
with only their prescence
who holds your hand on the couch
and plays with your hair
the one who is there for you when you are at your lowest point
and when you are at your best
the one who is also your friend
and keeps you grounded or encourages your dreams
who calls you beautiful and wonderful and cute because they want to
hold onto that love
and follow your deepest truest feelings
our feelings tell us so much more when we tune in and listen
the universe has a way of always guiding you home
Lydia Mar 2018
I have let myself wander and go
away from the me I always was

a wild thing,
rootless,
unforgettable,
&
resilient,

the world is trying to muffle the sound of my
soul yelling through the fog my heart has created

other's views and negative thoughts
have affected me greatly
every harsh, word or tense way has sent me reeling,
pushing me farther and farther away from finding myself again,
got me off track, pointing me in every direction except the one I need to get back to me

forget myself and I forget it all,
lose the best parts of me and the worst at the same time,
doubt creeps in and I don't wanna try,
because who I am doesn't seem to matter anyway,
no one would even care if I disappeared,
in fact they would be happy I wasn't here

the voice that's left in my soul is exhausted from holding up the weight,
but space and time has created some beautiful things and the Lydia who is left under my skin hopes that the same will be true for me
Lydia Jul 2018
the last thing anyone wants to hear when their hurting is that
"it will get better with time"
but it's honestly the truth

one day you really will be going about your daily life and that baseball in your gut won't be there anymore

you will find yourself slowly but surely in a different state of mind, so much so that you won't even realize you're not sad anymore
you'll find yourself around those new people everyone said you would meet, and doing all those new things everyone said you would do

the sun is still going to shine and there will be days the sky is bright blue and the best songs come on the radio all in a row

But one day you'll be driving down the road or folding your laundry and it will hit you,
that pain you thought you had forgotten
but this time you'll be stronger, you'll be wiser and you will be better for it

when it comes out of nowhere you will actually feel content for being human but also uplifted because it's over

when I was so sad and heartbroken I used to think "time heals all wounds" was a saying people said who had never felt real sorrow
now I know the ones who say it have lived their life through the hurting and came out feeling just like I do right now
Lydia Sep 2015
I walk around my boxed up house
and carefully step around the edges,
scoot around the clutter and ignore the blankness
this house no longer feels much like home
not since the warmth of familiar things
have been boxed up, taken down or thrown away
it was all so sad how quickly
my home disappeared behind cardboard
and just became this temporary space before we move on,
just a place to sleep
I no longer look at a room and find its potential
or care too much about how it looks
because these aren't my rooms anymore
there is no future here between myself and these walls
it's bittersweet to think back on the memories made here
not all of them were good,
but not all were bad either
in the near two years spent here
we grew
together and apart
and back together again
turning a space from four walls to
a house we called home
the boxes are like a metaphor to my life,
to the unavoidable change that will occur in a few months,

change is in the air
and soon the long, hot, dog days of summer
are going to fade into colorful leaves sweeping the earth,
cool breezes in the window late at night,
and the end of summer, the last one of its kind for us, will be envitable
and
just like the time of the seasons
as the world slips into fall
  our ending in this time of our lives
will slip suddenly through our fingertips and give way to something a new,
sudden yet almost unnoticeable
but also completely, irrevocably welcome
Lydia May 2019
I don’t want to get up anymore
I don’t want to leave my bed
Or my house
Or go to work
Or have to fake it
I’m so tired
I’m
So ******* tired all the time
It’s hard even being awake
I feel bad
I don’t see why mental health isn’t treated like any other type of illness
Lydia Oct 2018
On my way to work this morning
I had an anxiety attack while driving
I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I slowed down to 35 and my arms were shaky and my legs felt numb
I get so tired of having this problem
I'm so tired of it springing out of nowhere and keeping me from being able to do normal things
and making my mind race and my stomach turn to knots
I try to talk myself out of it but that doesn't always work
I dont even know what it's like to not feel like this anymore sometimes
I'm so tired of it
Lydia Nov 2017
how is it possible to be a person on the days that leave you feeling empty?

why doesn't that count as a good reason for a sick day at work
or a reason to take a break from life
responsibilities
until your soul feels better
or at least a little normal again

how can I be expected to be a mother, a friend, a coworker, anything
when my insides are bending and breaking and my brain is unable to connect the dots

when my hands won't work
and my legs don't feel strong enough to hold my weight
and my mouth forgot how to speak

how can I be a person
when I've forgotten that I'm even alive?
Lydia May 2018
to the man in my life who has loved me through all my heartache,
all the bad days and good days,
who sees me for who I am,
even when I don't even know where I went
I
Love
You
so
deeply
that
I'm
afraid
I
may
drown
Lydia Nov 2017
the microwave dings and my dinner is done
I pull out a plastic bowl filled with what once was
frozen spaghetti
for one
I remember thinking before
anyone who resulted to eating frozen dinners was sad
settling
hoping for something better

these days all I see
is freedom to do what I please
and happiness in being alone
Dinner for one
Lydia Sep 2018
Growing up I was always told,
NEVER BE AFRAID TO BE WHO YOU ARE AND TO STAND UP FOR WHAT IS RIGHT

I never knew how hard both of those things really were to do
until
I grew up and
became confused about who I am
and I found myself at times too weak to say anything when I knew something was wrong
What if I my parents told me that growing up
in hopes that I could do the things they never found the courage to?
Lydia Nov 2017
you
make me want to say things
I swore I'd never tell again
Lydia Jan 2019
I have moments where I'm manic
absolutely pathetic
can't stop talking, can't be quiet
can't think clearly unless I'm writing

never notice until it's too late,
how my mind is rushing and my head aches,
every word I say and thing I do
feels just like an endless list of mistakes
Lydia Aug 2018
There are women inside of me screaming to get out
Figured it was worth posting. Sometimes I write little things and then keep them on hidden
Lydia Aug 2020
I don’t think love goes anywhere when it’s over
It stays right there in the crevices of your heart until you have a moment of dejavu and it seems real again for a minute
long enough to hurt
long enough to satisfy the hunger you feel
Lydia Aug 2024
No matter what I do
I can’t stop the mental vibration
that comes and goes as you
What was a soul like mine supposed to do
When it crossed paths
With a correspondence like this one?
It rang like home
and sounded like me
Lydia Jan 10
8 in the morning
and a realization hits
No one in the world really gives a ****
About me and my problems
Or my feelings and conundrums
It’s over dramatic and silly
They just don’t have time for me
Change the subject, get over it
You’re gonna be turning 30
Everyone is self absorbed or going through it too, we all live the same lives in our own worlds
Lydia Jan 2018
the person you are now
is not the one I'm heartbroken over
that man is long gone
and I don't know which hurts worse
being heartbroken over a person who doesn't exist anymore
or missing a man who disappeared because of me
Lydia Nov 2023
I am not sure if it’s possible for me to be fun. Or at least the definition of fun that everyone else around me seems to have
I don’t want to drink or do drugs and stay up late
I want to go to sleep at a decent time and wake up and play Animal Crossing and do some things around the house and then go for a walk
Random thoughts
Lydia Aug 2020
I left the music on while I laid on the floor
sinking into the carpet felt good
I had no purpose to get up
and no intentions on trying
I had no reason to be anywhere and no one wanted me somewhere
I realized if I disappeared no one would notice
if I stayed right there on that floor in my bedroom for the weekend, it wouldn’t matter because nobody cared
I was utterly alone
and insanely lonely
I thought
I’m going to stay here forever
where the carpet is soft and the world has stopped and no one knows what I’m doing
and most of all, because I dont have to feel anything except the floor on my face
Lydia Apr 2024
I don’t mean to
and I will probably never completely stop feeling this way,
but so much of me is.. angry
It comes out in all forms for me
my 28 year almost 29 year old self still feels like that defensive little girl I was when I was 8
the one who wished to be someone else, anywhere else where being happy lived
so much time has passed and I find myself making the same mistakes I was falling into when I first thought about dying
now I’m angry for the version of myself I never got to be because now it’s too late and I’ll never really know
if I would have been trustworthy and smart
if I would have thought of myself as beautiful and strong
if I would have felt like I was capable
Instead I’m stuck being an angry 8 year old who doesn't know how to control herself
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