your death and therefore mine
are real in pictures from
that Spring.

a patchy pale skull is not really
”fuzzy”
and I miss the eyebrows more
in the remembering.

your arms are filled with our
baby boy’s
fleshy radiant potential
such stark contrast in rearview.

I kept out your pain
with a wall
of new dad
and charming dutiful service
that looked so good
to the rest of the world.

you were alone.
you were so alone.

I fear the eye that judges
The mouths that spit horrors in my dreams
The words that want to control everything about me

The minds that think for me and the hands that stop me from reaching my dream

The cold-hearts that burn my emotions
The smiles which are filled with hatred but seem pleasant

The laughter that cuts through my skin and the teeth that watch me bleed

The pain of the words which run around my mind
Torturing my soul

The darkness that fills me as I sit in the moonlight's ring

The voices in my head that scream for freedom
The scars imprinted by the hearts that love me

The demons that follow me as I reach for the light,
pulling me into my nightmares.

Break my heart

    Tear it to pieces

       Just so I can understand

          What it is to be touched by you

~Polaris~

what does it feel like to be held
not by another body
not by a set of limbs, a chest, a chin
but
by another soul

what does it feel like
to see truth in another pair of eyes
instead of hidden intentions
instead of absence

what does it feel like
to hear a familiar heartbeat
resounding next to your own
reaching through skin
through bone
two rhythms
indistinguishable

what does it feel like
to write poems about
a love that exists

To the bone

      To the end

As a queen

      As a friend

Never lost

      Never through

Ever yours

      Ever true

In the morning

      In the rain

Take my life

      Take my sane

Be my love

      Be the now

Feed my hunger

     Fill the void

~Polaris~

i pretend through night
that the pink flower spring
is for us, wild woman

In a billion years, will you recall
any of this at all?

Imagine recalling it all, as if
it happened
yesterday and before I slept I prayed an if
I have one more day,
let me make it
worthy of remembering in a billion years,
just in case.