for him i write
but my hands are never able to catch up
with my thoughts
and my thoughts for him are messy,
they spread far out
so quickly and suddenly
when my heart is bursting—
such love is not meant to be kept to one's self
so my feelings run and run
i never know where they go
or where they're meant to be

but i hope they somehow find
their way to you.

i entered a room i haven't been to since forever
suddenly it was smaller than i had remembered it to be—
wasn't it just yesterday when i was ten years old,
neck painful from looking up at the ceiling that was too tall for me to reach
and wishing i could swing from the chandeliers that hung from them like vines?
and now i'm suddenly seventeen,
caught between here and there
the rooms i know seem much smaller
and suddenly i don't need help
in reaching for things from the cupboard
in fact, i no longer need help for a lot of things
but why do i feel more helpless than before?
why do i just want to go back to when
rooms seemed much bigger
and i could easily hide in closets
whenever i wanted to be alone?
now i'm seventeen
and i can't ever be alone when i want to;
i'm caught in between here and there
but the problem is
i don't know what "here" and "there" is anymore

How lovely is the boy
Whose smile brings about spring
The lines forming his face
Engraved in my memory with his smile
And maybe if it's winter outside
I see the flowers bloom all the time

How majestic is the boy
Whose poise speaks of royalty
And though a peasant lowly I may be
The way he reaches out, so carefree
Makes me feel the rags I wear
Are riches too, when it touches he

How dandy is the boy
Whose gestures are of a child
The sun-kissed skin that glows
When frolicking under the sunlight
And a mind though a handful of years ahead
He sometimes chooses to play instead

How gracious is the boy
Who forgets his roots never
He prays and thanks for blessings
Even in the stormy weather
And never once he has forgotten
The shelter he takes when he has fallen

How thankful I am for the boy
Who was born on the cold harsh winter
For he forged a spirit of warmth
And his heart makes this world feel kinder
As I stare at the boy that I adore
I couldn't ask for anything more

In a world this cruel
Some people choose to let go
But some hold on too tightly
For the wounds of your past to show

Solitude was the thief
Its accomplice was old man time
In this quest to find myself
And desire to make you mine

The heart my greatest downfall
Though it calls out just one name
Young and blind, incapable
Functional although insane

For you it shouts and echoes
Repeats it four to five
Each step I take towards you
Makes the echoes multiply

My feet though bleeding, blistered
From running miles and miles
On the quicksand we call longing
And love drowns me alive

I shook hands with my demons
To reconcile with yours
Ablaze I set my being
For an ending I can't be sure

The tunnel's dark and distant
Your hand nowhere in sight
So I diminish into nothing
In search of you, my light

I'd close my eyes, ignore
Cuts and bruises on my soul
Not much love is left for me
To you I gave it all

do you ever wonder how many stars there are
do you try to count the hair on your head
will we ever know why people stop falling in love
what happened to amelia earhart
what lies in the bottom of the ocean
was atlantis ever real
is there life on the moon

perhaps we'll never know,
but i believe that if anyone could find the answers
it would most definitely be you.