laying in the leaves
on the forest floor
outside of a
suburban neighborhood

i am partially high
and closing my eyes
to avoid the brightness
of the sunlight

for what does the
sun mean
if the leaves still fall,
and what purpose
do my feelings serve
if you do not
feel the same
anymore

i thought that maybe
drugs
alcohol
tears
blood
would finally
pack up the last
few pieces
i had left of you
and sweep them
away
like the leaves
i am cradled by
as the oncoming
breeze
of fall
descends upon
the trees

but the high
makes me feel
lower,
and the buzz
just rattles
the crude stitches
i had hand-sewn
onto my heart

i am drowning
in what is left
of you,
even though it is
only a puddle

i am only
awake
enough to feel
the pain

i drunkenly mutter
i loosely scream
i silently cry

no matter
what state
i am in,
whether i am
solid
liquid
wasted
trashed

there is
still
enough of you
left in me
to make
summer
freeze over
and my
heart
stop
with the sudden
change
in temperature

you are standing
right in front of me

but your gaze
shows that you are
honestly
thousands of miles away

like the rings of
saturn
you spin in endless
circles

and catch up to me
every so often
but then continue on
within your orbit

his eyes
were as
blue
as the way
he made me feel.

i used to
look at you
like you could
walk on water
or like you
created the stars

but you were really
only a thief
who stole
everything
i had
and smashed it
right before my
eyes

seven hundred and twenty nine feet below
a ferris wheel turns
shimmering in its slow white circles

a vision blurred
by hotel room windows
and sad thoughts
at 12:00 am

bleeding isnt fun
but its easy

he wants to sleep
forever
and she cannot stay awake
for two people

i am a human -
and sometimes,
that scares me

he reminded me
that hands
that big
were not only meant
to hurt

and another persons
largeness
was not meant
to make me seem
small

thank you
for swallowing
my hand in yours

thank you
for covering me
with love

turn me off
and turn me on
like a wind up doll

who needs love
when you have
electricity

who needs to lie
about their feelings
when they are
made of stone

we broke
each other,
so its only
fair
to say
that you
still have
some of
my pieces
with
you

hello heart-eyed doe,
tripping over your delicate feet
following the warm promise
of spring

hello heart-eyed doe,
don't let your spirit go
while you're out searching
for your love

they expected me
to miss them
but i kept walking
in the opposite direction

a hex
a curse
a spell

im trapped
tormented
teased

i cannot escape
but i love it

they always told me
that my heart would never heal
if i kept letting it break
and break
and break
and break
but i never listened
and probably never will
because i gave up on caution when i was 12
nowadays i claw at my throat
and tear at my hair
pick at scabs on my forehead
and play with pencil sharpener blades
all to get away
just to get away
maybe one day i'll get away
but for now i am stuck
in this never ending ocean
of chewed up words
and scarred skin
and fragments of memories once held dear
because once anything gets close enough to me it shatters
just as i have shattered myself

she used to be
a good girl
but now she's
smoking away
all her friendships

stop hiding behind my eyelids
let me sleep

she
bent
to your
will
until
she snapped

now
do not
blame her
for
making you bleed
from the wounds
caused by her
splintering
shards

its always there

sometimes
i get so happy
that i find myself
sad
again

how is it
that two things
that are so different
are so connected?

the song
pulled out
my old heart
like a mighty
whale
resurfacing for air

huge, yet silent
creating ripples
in the surrounding surfaces

the house settles;
i am not alone

i slept inside of your ribcage
until you purposefully broke all of your ribs

you threw yourself down the stairs
and didnt cry until i disappeared

i tried to repair your broken bones
but all i had to my name was some dental floss

now my teeth are rotting out of my skull
because i stitched you back together

you cant make me
undo what i did
and i cant make you
care again

so i will acknowledge the pain
and do my best
to pave a new road

your fingers
still reach out
in the form
of tree branches,
scratching open
remnants of
scars
i almost had
forgotten

the finality of flame
smoking out my compassion
i watched the remains
go up in orange ribbons of goodbye

same place,
but never
the same time.

when it is cold
i want to freeze to death
and when it is hot
i wish to burn

so whatever the
circumstance
i always wish
to find the way
to die
most violently

hearts break loudly

overshadowing light

all i can hear
are all of the pieces
hitting the floor

sometimes
in the midst
of a power struggle
i miss him

when my head
and my heart
do not feel my
consciousness
bleed for him

in shattering
myself
i shattered
you;
i always
considered
you
part of me
but i never
thought
i was
part of
you

they say that good things
come with time

but with you
time is an illusion
and every day spent
building up to this point
means nothing

because all i know
in this moment
is you
standing before me

i said id never
rip you apart,
but that was
before
you turned me
into a monster.

i did not
throw anything away

it was you
who threw me out

and i simply remained
where you left me

i believed
in breathing
until i realized
every breath
i take
brings me
closer
to death

she used to cry
when she stubbed her toe
but now she never cries
and theres one less blade
in the pencil sharpener

a number is just
a number

a character
written on paper

it has no value
until we give it one

based on
accuracy
amount
rank

please do not
be mad
at the number
for reflecting
the value
that you give to it