I need to stand out
Like typos in a paregraph

And I'm back to no longer caring about anything anymore.

I survive, I strive, I sacrifice, I strengthen
I live, I lie, I let down, I learn
I differentiate, I decide, I demand, I deduce
I respect, I revive, I redefine, I redesign
I am, I analyze, I articulate, I anticipate
I conquer, I condescend, I confine, I cultivate
I improvise, I initiate, I inspire, I invent
I grieve, I gather, I grumble, I grapple with my inner demons
My life in a few words, nothing I can't overcome or handle
because I am who I am, don't matter what people think of me.

"Where is this going?"
you ask me, breathless

I know you are inquiring
about the next 5 minutes
but I cannot help but consider
the next 5 years
as I spill out words
that affirm the next move
you have been patiently waiting to play
for months

and the word friend
flashes in neon lights
behind my eyelids
as I think about your arm around my waist
in the bar just a few hours before
and your mouth pressed to my head
aggressively whispering
"Stop."
on the way home
when the heat in my chest
started to build
after looking at your phone

"We'll talk about this later,"
you tell me definitively
and so in the cold December air
you tell me that I deserve better
and that you do not deserve my suppressed tears
that might freeze if they fell

As you turn on the lights
so you can see what you're doing
I lie in your bed
now knowing
what it is like to be in a relationship

(but please don't use that word)

There has never been
another person
capable of
fixing me