kiss my lips after dark
let's drink til' we're lost
two kids madly in love
needing each other
like they'd need a drug
the passion is enough
to take em' places
different positions
different paces
different levels
of the same rush
through their veins
you are deadly but fine
like the purest *******
your lips intoxicate
it's like drinking
the finest wine

love; we're all addicts.

I'm sitting in the library before school,
talking and laughing like any other day
when you reach over and pick up
a book on overcoming anorexia.

You hold the nonthreatening orange-and-purple cover in your hands
that I once thought were gentle
and scoff, saying, "People with anorexia are so stupid."

Our friends sitting around us agree
and laugh and joke about it
while I sit in mute horror and suppressed panic
and dig my fingernails into my skin
until someone asks
why I'm not laughing.

Why am I not laughing?

I am not laughing at the disease
that consumed my life for nearly a year,
that ripped and clawed its way into my mind
and through my veins
like an addiction,
like a freight train gone off the tracks,
out of control and spinning
and uprooting everything crucial and meaningful
and burying it it flames,
turning it to ashes.

I am not laughing
at the nights I spent crying
and hating myself
while I felt the lining of my stomach
try to consume itself
in a poor replacement of the
sustenance I was denying myself
while I again dug my fingernails into my skin,
pins holding a dead butterfly
to its morbid display.

I am not laughing
at the thoughts that constantly filled my head
of death and disaster and pain
of wishing them upon myself
of making them happen
of letting myself shrink
and shed the space
that I believed I did not deserve to occupy.

I am not laughing at the thoughts
that after two years still plague me-
is my stomach sticking out?
do you really deserve breakfast?
your thighs are too big
your hips too wide
I count fewer ribs each day
you are fat
fatfatfatfatfatfat
worthless fat useless fat pathetic fat
you deserve to die
fat.

I am not laughing
at my choice
of slow suicide
that I made the
agonizing choice
to save myself from.

I am not laughing
at the book that I myself read
at every torturous bite of food I took
at every painful step of recovery.

I am not laughing
because I will not take away
every moment I felt strong for not relapsing,
every prayer I pled
every tear I shed,
every time I decided that I did not want to die
anymore.

I am not laughing.
I am leaving.

Twisting and turning through this restless night
if this is my lucid dream
why is my control so weak of it
I just want to control it to a reality

its all over now you and I isn't it
let our dreams together last forever
but can they truly last forever
I want this, you forever

you can end it all today
please don't end it all today
you still are all I desire in this hell of a home
make me your forever

to walk with you side by side hand held together
my only everlasting dream I so desire
you are my everlasting dream
can I be your everlasting dream

its all over now you and I isn't it
let our dreams together last forever
but can they truly last forever
I want this, you forever

to this day I will never forgive
to this painful day I will never forget
I cause this tragic ending
it has always been my fault everything

just to hear three words
is what will wake me from my nightmares
my tragic nightmares of you lost from me
will I find you in the lost and found I want to find you

its all over now you and I isn't it
let our dreams together last forever
but can they truly last forever
I want this, you forever

in the morning
we struggle with the bed sheets that
wrap us, bind us

in the afternoon
we crawl to our desks
and burn our faces
with radiation
from our phones, from our laptops
reasoning, pleading, typing, and clicking
away the words and sentences
that could decide our fates

in the evening
the voices sharing laughter and stories are
nowhere
to be found in the dinner table
there is only the hurried clanging
of forks and knives against porcelain
we swallow several morsels of reheated leftovers
and just drown our stomachs with coffee and pills
the breath of our sighs fill the air
and bring us to suffocation

we drag our limbs
to wherever
the answers and solutions may be
with all our might,
we anchor ourselves against the world's spin

our sunken weary eyes
glance at each other from time to time
no words are spoken
but from those fleeting moments
we know the burdens that the other carries
as much as our hearts ache to
we can't help each other
because we're already too lost helping ourselves