You came into my life
at an unexpected time
in the most unusual way
yet everything about you
seemed to fit with ease
like the way you smiled
with your teeth or
how you place your hand
against my cheek
or how with the uttermost perfection
you fit into the crease of my neck
with such grace and such love
and all I can ask if you'd like to
stay.

today I reconnected with my best friend from freshmen year and she couldn't stop talking about how much she missed her friends from the simpler time and she didn't even mention a word about the boy who broke her heart in January, which led her into a rapid downfall that included drugs and alcohol and self manipulation. when I brought him up, she chuckled a little and said, "oh yeah, I haven't thought about him in a long time" and I swear to god, it felt like a stab in my heart because I remember being heartbroken with her in late January when you spit on my heart and threw salt in my wounds and we promised each other that in a few years they wouldn't matter anymore, but I'm still here two years later and the tables are turned and I'm drowning in alcohol and drugs and self manipulation and she is recovered and beautiful, and I swear it's like *everyone is able to heal and recover from an catastrophe except me.

I don't want to write
about the aches and pains,
the light-as-a-feather feeling
of love anymore
because they aren't
just some words you
write on paper,
they're the feelings
left from the one
you thought was the one
and they weren't
and I don't want that anymore.

when i was 13,
"if your friends jumped
off a cliff would you?"
was an effortless,
"no"
because when i was 13
the cliff was a tall,
intimidating
piece of land
with a neon sign that said
"impending doom"
lit up at the edge,
but now im 20
and the cliff
comes in glass bottles
and the cliff
comes in thick syringes
and the cliff
is drawn beneath
my skin
in india ink
and down below it,
i can see my home town
and i can hear the patient voices
of the kids i grew up with
that never got out,
shakily shouting
"come down here;
it's easier at the bottom"
and if im being honest
im stumbling toward it
with an alarming
lack of fear

you told me
about what you wanted
your future wedding dress,
future kitchen,
future kids to be like.
and I kept thinking
gods, let me be the one
to give it to you.
I never even wanted to get married,
never wanted any children, and
your imaginary kitchen is
positively hideous.
some people want the same things
out of life, but
we absolutely don't.
still, I could settle for a wedding
if it's you across the aisle;
and maybe I want kids, you know,
with your eyes, or at least
your heart, your grace, your forgiveness.
we'll talk about the kitchen.
look, I'm not gonna tell you
"I love you", not yet,
and I'm not writing you more songs,
and I am not wasting more words,
just these, just the once that tell you
whatever you want, it's yours,
if you'll still have me.