i told myself i was done.
scrubbed the bathroom tile like it was me that needed cleansing,
not the floor.
drank coffee instead of shots,
hit the gym,
got good at smiling again.
they said i looked better.
they always say that when you’re not dying in front of them.

but they don’t see
how the ghosts still come at night,
how the itch lives in the jaw,
in the back of the eyes,
like a ******* radio playing a station
you thought you turned off months ago.

i was clean.
for a while.
like the silence right before a scream -
that beautiful, dangerous quiet
where you think maybe you made it.
maybe this time you beat it.
maybe this time you win.

but addiction is smarter than you.
it waits.
doesn’t need to rush.
it knows you’ll come crawling
when the applause fades,
when the texts stop,
when the world gets boring again.

you think you’re sparing them,
keeping it tucked away,
like shame’s just a private little pet you feed
when no one’s watching.
but hiding it doesn’t protect them.
it just breaks them slower.
like they’re loving someone through bulletproof glass -
close enough to see the cracks,
too far to stop the bleeding.

and the worst part?
the worst part is that some days
you’re proud of how good you’ve gotten
at pretending.
how well you play “okay.”
like you deserve a ******* medal
for surviving your own lies.

truth is -
you don’t ever get out.
you don’t get cured.
you just get distance.
and even that -
that’s a rental.

because addiction
isn’t about weakness,
it’s about forgetting how to want anything
that doesn’t destroy you.

and maybe one day
i’ll be better.
but i’ll never be new.

and maybe that’s what clean really means -
not the absence of poison,
but the choice to keep waking up
even when it still lives
in your bones.

she kissed me once,
in the dark corner of a bar
nobody we knew would ever walk into.
her hands were trembling,
but her lips—
god, her lips knew exactly
what they wanted.

and for a moment,
I let myself believe
she could be mine.
just for a moment.

she pulled away like she’d been caught,
looked around
at all the strangers who didn’t care,
who didn’t even see.
but she saw them.
she saw their eyes in her head
even when they weren’t looking.

“this can’t happen,” she said,
like it hadn’t already.
like I wasn’t sitting there,
still tasting her on my mouth.
“you don’t understand,” she said,
and maybe she was right.
because I didn’t understand
how you could feel something that big,
that loud,
and still pretend
you didn’t.

but I didn’t fight her.
I just nodded,
because I’d seen this before.
not with her,
but with others like her—
women who carried love
like a smuggled thing,
hidden deep in their pockets,
afraid to let it see the light.

she called me late sometimes,
when the fear wasn’t as strong
as the wanting.
we’d meet in motel rooms
on the edge of town,
where the curtains were thick
and the walls were thin.

and in those moments,
she was alive—
all fire and ache and need.
but when the sun came up,
she’d be gone before I woke,
like a ghost
afraid of being caught in the daylight.

I told her once,
“you don’t have to live like this.
you don’t have to hide.”
but she just shook her head
and said,
“not everyone is as brave as you.”

brave.
what a word for it.
it didn’t feel like bravery.
it felt like ripping myself open
over and over,
waiting for her to decide
she was ready to step out of the shadows.

but she never did.
she stayed in her closet,
her church pew,
her tight little box of shame.

and I stayed outside,
watching the door,
waiting for it to open.
but it never did.

keep your eyes closed love.

           e     t      
       m           i
    o                 m
s                        e  
                            s     all you have to
                                                                ­
                                                                ­ l                  to is what the sound
                                                           ­      i            n
                                                  ­                s           e
                                                               ­          t

                                                              ­                               v
                                                               ­                         a        e
                             ­                                          of the  w               s
                                                               ­                                       
                         ­                                                                 ­            tells  you
                                                                ­                                        to do.

What
if
I
was
just

























Gone?

In the silence of the moment, when the world fades away,
Your presence wraps around me, like the soft light of day.
No need for words between us, we’ve always understood,
That every breath we take together, is a memory of good.
We’ve painted skies in colors, no one else could ever see,
Shared secrets in the quiet, where our hearts are wild and free.
With every step you take, the world feels just a little right,
A friendship built on moments that will last beyond the night.
Grace, like ivy, we’ve wrapped ourselves in time,
In the shadows of our whispers, where the world won’t find.
In the park at midnight, where the stars were all we knew,
We counted every constellation, just me and you.
At 12 AM, our hearts would race, like time was standing still,
With every wish we whispered, the world could never break our will.
Grace, you were my universe, my dream beneath the sky,
At that moment, I believed that time could never say goodbye
We wandered through the echoes, where the world was just our sound,
In every step, we found our place, where love would always surround us.
In the quiet of the night, when the stars began to fade,
We promised each other forever, in the memories we made.
Through seasons that would change us, we remained the same,
In every storm, we found the calm, calling each other’s name.
We’d dance in fields of memories, where the light would never die,
With every step we took together, we touched the endless sky.
Grace, in every heartbeat, I feel you by my side,
Like whispers in the twilight, where no secrets can hide.
In the park at midnight, where the stars were all we knew,
We counted every constellation, just me and you.
At 12 AM, our hearts would race, like time was standing still,
With every wish we whispered, the world could never break our will.
Grace, you were my universe, my dream beneath the sky,
At that moment, I believed that time could never say goodbye
And when the world fades away, and the skies begin to fall,
I’ll still hear your voice whispering, through every shadowed call.
Grace, you’re the fire that burns, the wind beneath my wings,
In the quiet of the night, you’re the song my heart still sings.
Through the storms that try to break us, we will never bend,
For in every twist of fate, you’ll always be my friend.
No matter where we wander, no matter where we roam,
In the silence of the universe, with you, I’m always home.
You’re the echo in my chest, the pulse that keeps me alive,
In the vastness of this world, with you, I’ll always survive.
Time will try to change us, but our hearts will stay the same,
For in every fleeting moment, we’ll be forever framed.
Grace, you’re my constant star, my light in the darkest skies,
And in the end, we’ll soar together, no more goodbyes.

i wish youd let me go
so id stop hurting you

i wish youd let me go
so you dont have to see me in pain

i wish youd let me go
so you could get better

i wish youd let me go
so i stop hurting us

i wish you stay
so we get better together

there’s an
impostor
in the mirror
and she has
my smile.